I've been silent, but following along. I've scanned the last week of posts and think I get where you're at, hopefully! If my comments seem out of place, I apologize if I missed something.
You are in the hardest spot and I really feel for you. I'm speaking for my experience which I'm sure won't surprise you! You know my sitch pretty well, so I won't go into history detail where it's not needed. I've just shared what you've been through with J and asked his opinion. Like your H, he felt for years as if I had one foot in and one foot out of the marriage. He was right! I asked him what changed and he said "you grew up". We've talked about it for a bit and it was that I grew up and am now totally committed to our R. He said though, that he also wasnt fully committed to the R and he used my lack of committment as an excuse for his. I asked him what changed that and he said "sitting alone and realizing all I had lost and how I'd be willing to change if I just had a chance to do it.
You've posted about feeling duped and like things will not change. Is it possible that although your H realizes that he wants his family, he's not to the point of doing whatever it takes to keep your M? That's what it takes I think. KNOWING that you want the M more than anything in the world and setting aside pride in order to change and work on the M. J said "gosh, they should go to counseling together and learn to communicate and work through their issues" I said it may not be possible and explained how your H felt about C. J said "then he's not there yet". The disclaimer is that every sitch and the people involved are different. But... I think his email might just be an awakening that he's realizing what he's losing. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's in a place where he realizes he MUST change and do things to make you happy in the R too. He said he asks what do you want him to do now to keep him there. Is it really a matter of what he "does" or is it more a matter of you wanting him to stop doing things that have tore down the R. Stop disrespecting you, stop punishing you, stop playing power games. There's a diff in that line of thinking. I am totally committed now.. for better or worse.. no foot out the door, and for me that is amazing. It's not so much what J has started doing, it's more of what we've both stopped doing. No one wants to feel that they must earn the love of their spouse. We all want to feel that even at our worst, we're loveable.
I've had to give up the notion that he has to "do" anything in order for me to love him. When I think in those terms, I'm trying to control him. However, when I request that he not do something, I'm setting a boundary with him. I can feel confident in that, and not doubt myself. I need my boundaries in order to be healthy and there is a consequence when they're not respected. I damages the R. I'll give you an example. J is irresponsible financially, and lies to me about financial problems and his spending at times. I'm no longer comfortable insisting that he be financially responsible in order to be in a R with me. I am comfortable insisting that he not lie to me about finances though. The first is unconditional love and understanding him as he is, the second is setting a boundary for a trusting R. He can understand why I can't deal with lying, but pointing out his personality flaw, personal struggle that he himself hates makes him feel like I don't accept and love him regardless of his faults.
I've gotten off track.. but wanted to post this in case there's anything from our sitch that might help. Is there a way that you can love who your H is unconditionally, but be firm that his treatment of you is a problem. It's clear to me after reading your heartfelt email to him that there is SO much you love and cherish about him.. you just want the disrespect, control and games to stop. I'd be curious to see your H's list of what he loves about you. It'd be a shame to see two people who adore each other creating obstacles out of fear and control. You know J and I have been there. That's the biggest change we've made to our R, but not the only one.
We started by loving and forgiving ourselves for the past. Have you forgiven your H? You keep coming back to sleeping in the bed and him wearing the wedding ring. Why are you hanging your hopes on those things? Those are his issues Heather and it seems that you're allowing it to control your thoughts and actions. I'd say that you do allow your H a lot of control over your emotions and having been there, it's not healthy. Does it change who you are that he won't let you sleep in the bed and doesn't wear his ring? I'd say not. If it changes how you're willing to be in the R, then embrace that for yourself. Come to terms with it and accept it. It's VERY hard, I know. I've shared with Burgbud our C's advice to us to go about creating a healthy, nurturing R for ourselves. It has to start with you. Clear boundaries, whatever is healthy for you. If your boundary is that you can't ML or be emotionally intimate with a man that won't allow you to sleep with him, then own that as health in your life. By doing that, you have to respect the consequences and enforce them. It can be painful. J lied to me last week. It made me furious.. it made me emotionally sick. I didnt pitch a fit and feel unloved and want out of the R, but I had to enforce the boundary by saying "hey, you've disrepected me and our R. I can't be close to you right now and deal with you." Someone said it as childish that I refused to sleep with him that night. But, it's my boundary and the message was clear to him, and I was OK because I was loving myself enough to not make myself sleep with someone I didnt want to even look at that night. There was no mention of getting out of the R, and it didnt feel that way because I was taking care of myself. As long as I'm willing to do that, I'm comfortable being in this R. If it became a constant, then I'd have to re-evaluate (not my boundary), but what it means for our R in the long-term.
This is rambling and disjointed because I'm in a hurry, but I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best always.
