Amy, I don't see how it can be any other way. I understand what you're saying but I think sometimes sacrifice and suffering is our lot because of the choices we make and the choices those around us make. I don't think there is any way to truly escape that...we can suffer lightly now or try and run away and, in the end (like Jonah), simply compound our suffering and (perhaps) delay the date we have to pay the piper.
Sometimes we have to not only choose but even embrace something that seems painful and unbearable because that's what it means to go THROUGH it instead of avoid it by pursuing something that (we think) will make us "happy". I mean, that's what my wife did and I think despite my pain over this (and, for me, it's been heavy) she suffers worst of all because she is responsible.
In the end, though, there are millions of people suffering far worse than I ever have in my 40 years of life. Right now there are soldiers and their families whose sacrifice is much greater than what I've been called to at this point, so I really have no business whining about most of it. I'm not happy about it, but all things considered I've got it pretty good.
The more time and distance we put between us and this the easier it is for me to go about my business, but it's become more and more difficult to simply accept how black my wife's heart was in all this...how can I be yoked to such a person? What if the supposed changes I see in her are simply more self-preservation on her part...the path of least resistance? She clearly has an amazing ability to be deceitful and disciplined in her deception. The thing that makes it so bad, I think, though, is the way she has, in the past, lied to herself even before the rest of us.
But I'm committed to loving her. As her husband there is no way I can be obedient to God but be lukewarm in my treatment of her. That's tough...but there is no better alternative for my sons. They need their parents together; they need to see me treat her well because that's the most signifcant (external) influence on how they treat their wives someday.
I can be nice and polite to my wife. But these days I have a hard time drumming up anything more than that. I can't take joy in our good times when we do have them because coming from her it's meaningless. I think that's why piecing is so hard....kind of like putting together a puzzle with some pieces missing...or having pieces of two different puzzles mixed together.
What else could it mean to be crucified with Christ? I mean, if HE can go through the cross because it was necessary, I can surely take care of my wife and family no matter what because that's the commitment I made, the vow I took. So when I say that I love my wife, that means something. When she tells me that what does it mean? That right now it's expedient for her to tell me that?
Sometimes the worst thing that can happen is for us to get what we think we want. Obedience to God and doing what is right protects us from the unintended consequences of lousy decisions. I've never been harmed by doing what was right no matter how difficult or unadvantageous it seemed at the time. I have, at times, rejected it or even briefly regretted it, but looking back I see much more clearly and I hope I can use that to look forward with clarity as well...at least in terms of what I do and how I do it.
God blesses obedience, and always has in my life. That is my peace and comfort.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
