Wow...I really appreciate your honesty. Discussing this with you gives me more insight into the situation in my marriage. I can actually start to get how my wife feels in another woman's voice.
You are not a horrible, terrible person. There are many good things in your life. You want to live a full life, you want to be happy, you want intimacy. Your desires are legitimate. The issue is *how* you are going to meet those desires. Lying to your husband about an affair, that you are still involved in, is, in my opinion, a lack of integrity. What you are saying is -- it's OK to lie and have an affair in order to meet my needs.
I'm not saying, don't meet your needs. I'm saying, meet them, but do so honestly. The ethical shortcuts we take in order to keep the peace and meet our needs end up shaping us into people that we might not want to become.
And, if truth be told, we have been raised in a culture, where "meeting our needs" is what we live for.
I am proud of you for keeping the marriage together for the sake of your kids, you are giving them a great gift.
Now, regarding your husband...
He doesn't know how bad it is for you.
He doesn't know you really want to leave him.
He doesn't know about the affair.
Often, men won't attempt real changes until you "drop the bomb" and tell them you are very unhappy in this marriage. Often, revealing the affair is what's needed to open his eyes.
Also, I notice you have little or no hope for your marriage. You keep saying he can't change, he won't change, he's a loser, he's co-dependent, he's a couch potato, etc. You are painting a mental picture that, even if your husband did rise to the occasion, you would still reject him.
In addition remaining in touch with the OM will only serve as some comparison with your husband. It's more than a connection. When you speak with him, you are offering him your heart. Let's assume you had never slept with him -- you are still connectign with him in a way that is crowding out any intimacy with your husband. You can only really offer your heart to one man. We really aren't polygamous beings. Even in harems there is a pecking order and dreadful jealousy. Yo have opened a window to the OM and are building a brick wall to your husband.
Why not find good friendship/intimacy with your girlfriends?
The fact that it's a man means it's a romance.
The fact that you can't (and I stres can't) seem to let him go means you are in love with him and, it seems, addicted to him.
I think you owe your husband honesty.
Tell him the whole truth, how you feel, etc.
Then let him see YOU for who you really are -- a hurt woman who is so emotionally dry that has resorted to lying and sdultery to fill her needs.
Maybe he can still love that woman. And wouldn't that be a powerful love?
Maybe, in an honest way, you can both change. You might surprise youself.
I think, honesly, you haven't given your husband the chance to change because you haven't told him the truth.
