Ok I haven't posted in a long time even though I check in from time to time to see how everyone is doing.
Sitch is my wife dropped the bomb 10/03 and finally decided in 5/04 that she was done. The divorce was final 12/05. We have one D 10yrs old
I always tried to mantain a close relationship with her, but she was very cold and non responsive for about 6 months after the divorce. I always thought we could get back together because our issues were a lack of communication. I started a realtionship about 6 months ago with an amazing lady, my ex has bounced from bf to bf.
She called me two weeks ago when my D had an away basketball asking me if we would like to go together like "a happy family" I'm like OK, whatever. When I drop her and my D off she gives me a big tight hug and a kiss on the lips. I thought this was totally out of character and very confusing. I decided to see if she would go to dinner with me one night to catch up on things, she agreed. We go to dinner and it was great time. I feel like I need to test the waters so we have a conversation about us and how we changed for the better. It was a good 45 min convo and she tells me we both changed a lot and probably could date each now. She leans in to give me a hug good night and we end up kissing passionately for about a minute. She then says we can do this again sometime if you like. WTF! She has me all confused and has stirred up my feelings again just when I thought I was over her. I decided to go over her house last night to talk about what happened Friday night. I get there and we ended up watching the Oscars for two hours. As I am leaving I asked her if she had a any interest in dating. She replies, she never would have thought she would consider that until recently as she has seen that I have made some major life changes. She doesn't know when she will be ready to pursue a dating relationship but its not out of the question. She said it could be one month or 6 months, she can't give me a time frame. She doesn't expect me to put my life on hold, but now I am all confused. She is ok with hanging out maybe once every week or two for right now.
I am in a great relationship now, but I would want to be with my ex if I had the oppurtunity.
So may question is, how do I approach this? I feel like I am DB'ing all over again.
I am also feeling like she still wants to date around and if she doesn't find anything better she will give me a try.
That was my first impression, but I would feel the same way you are right now. WOW, WTF! is right. I have no idea on what you should do, but I think if my emotions were take over, I would jump back into it with ex.
My ideas being on the outside, I would continue doing what your doing with YOUR life. and not do anything intimate with ex untill you decide to actually start dating.
My fear would be she wants sex, and she had it with you so why not. Just things in my own head.
My advice, take it with a grain of salt, just be a closer friend than in the past, and see what happens down the road. But don't hurt the person who you are with now.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
james, thats exactly my plan. I am just going about life as usual and i will see in a couple of weeks if she wants to hang out again. I got nothing to lose as I am already divorced!
This does mess your mind up, I worked hard for two years to convince her to open her heart up and let me show her a different kind of relationship. But she was totally shut off, like most WAW.
A part of me feels like she doesn't deserve another chance. I already told her if we were to date she would have to be a different person as well. I refuse to settle for anything else.
I think that another chance is well deserved, and I think that there is no reason not to. Unless, you think that she hasn't changed. The old saying you don't know what you have, untill it is gone. Fits perfect here.
I think it's cool whats happening here, and it makes me happy to see this. Take it as a positive thing, and roll with it.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
I don't like the sounds of that. To me, it sounds like a woman that got wind you were finally seriously dating and because she just has to know you are on the back burner, she tries to get you on the hook again, like her own personal fish.
It's obvious from your post you would like to try again, but I think you should really think hard about this. Have both of you changed or is she still the same? As she strings you along, what makes you think that this time it will be different?
I would make no more moves towards her. I would continue on with my life as though she never said anything, as she suggested. And if she approaches you again, make her work for it. Don't come rushing back at her with open arms. She'll find you more attractive if you weren't so easy for her. By the way, are you opening dating multiple people or are you in an exclusive relationship with this new woman? If you weren't dating other people, perhaps you should explain your dilemma to the OW and give her the opportunity to run away. If you're still willing, after all this time to get involved with XW again, you aren't ready for anything more than casual dating with anyone.
Don't you get the feeling that you are just a fallback plan? A "just in case"? A second, third or fourth choice? I would need to be first choice. I wouldn't be able to accept your W offer because she made it sound like you were almost finally worthy to be with her. The hell with that....you were always worthy and she might not be the one to deserve you (personally without knowing anything else about your sitch I think that is so).
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I have to agree with Me - it sure sounds like she got wind you were back in the game and serious about someone (aka she's feeling threatened that she might lose you completely)
I don't know, sounds a little fishy to me. After all, what's with the passionate kissing and all? Go figure. I think she has a screw loose somewhere. If she really was wanting to "date" you why didn't she actually sit down with you and seriously talk to you about it, not just "test you out" like she seemed to. I don't feel good about this one - she sounds like a player
And, as for the woman you say you have a great relationship with - if its so "great" why are you basically "cheating" on her? I think you need to step back a little and see what it is you really want AND you need to be honest with the woman you are dating. I would be choked to find out my bf was kissing passionately with his X after I had been dating the guy for 6 months and they were divorced
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Me and Heywyre, you guys are right on target. At first I was excited that there might be a chance to reconcile, but after I thought about it I really started getting po'd. If you want to work on things then say so, I feel like she wants to keep dating and if nothing better comes along I will settle for you. BS! The other side of me does knowledge that she was so bitter and angry for so long, that her wall is finally coming down. I think because she was so sure she would never want me, she is a little aprehensve to be vulnerable. As far as being afraid she may lose me, I was in a serious relationship that ended in 10/06 for about 7 months and she knew about that one and never said boo. In fact she was still in her bitter mood. I do beleive that by me treating with dignity and respect as a friend so has released all of her toxic feelings and can she a little more clearly. She does say she has changed, if she has made enough changes I don't know. The woman I am involved with is a very good friend and I plan on discussing all this with her and backing the relationship off a little until I resolve my issues. Just for the record my stich involved me working too much and basically not spending quality time with her, which is LL. Our D was over communication, she would yell instead of discussing and of course I would withdraw. I have down a complete 180 from who I was and know for a fact she won't find anybody else that has done the soul searching that I have and the rest of us on this board that work so hard to save our marriages. I am willing to show her a terrific realtionship but she neess to earn that back from me.
I have down a complete 180 from who I was and know for a fact she won't find anybody else that has done the soul searching that I have and the rest of us on this board that work so hard to save our marriages. I am willing to show her a terrific realtionship but she neess to earn that back from me
I'm fairly sure that this is true. So make her work for it if she ever gets busy chasing you. Perhaps the odd way she's going about it is not a bad thing. Maybe she'll make an informed decision...and as you know, love is a choice, so maybe she'll make a choice and stick with it this time. Anyway, at this point she isn't ready and your life shouldn't be on hold.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well I had b-day party for my D10 last night and my ex had to come by to drop off some clothes for my D. As my ex was pulling up my brother was walking out so she chatted with him for a few minutes just as my GF was walking out to her car. They have never met before but the both said Hello. I get a phone call this AM from the ex wanting to know when I was bringing D home. She was still sleeping so we started BS'ing about some other stuff. The topic turns to my gf and she starts asking some probing questions. What does she do, where does she live, etc.. The convo was pleasant. This is the longest convo I have with her on the phone in 3 years. My gf owns her own business, drives a BMW and is very attractive. I am not sure if my wife was being nosy because she thinks I have moved on to better things and she hasn't or she is feeling me out? She made one comment saying if she drives a BMW then the ex wife should have a Mercedes, joking around.
My friends think I should show her no interest and let her chase me, but then again the are all very stubborn males and would never DB. They think she should have to grovel.
My counselor says to pursue a little, test the waters. She was hurt very much by me in the past, not showing her attention and quality time that her wall is finally coming down. If I can start meeting her emotional needs she will draw closer to me. Everything indicates that she is much more comfortable around me.
My ex has a hard time admitting making mistakes and more than likely will not come right and say lets date.
DB'ing says not to pursue, don't say I love you, dont't probe.
