HELP PLEASE!!!!

I am new to piecing and am desperately in need of some suggestions quickly! Feel like I'm losing my mind and need to get grounded again.

Briefly, H was having a PA with OW. I found out a few months ago. He told me he had decided to work on our M and to give us another chance but that he just wasn't sure when. He lied to me and told me that he was not staying with her (he wasn't staying at home), and I found out that he was - complete devastation. He still told me that he was planning on giving us another chance. I hung in there and DB'd the best I could after doing the whole begging, crying, pleading thing. The DB'g seemed to help, as I did see baby steps. Long story short for this part, H came home a few weeks ago. I was absolutely thrilled and so excited to begin piecing.

However, my "twist" is that when he did come home, I guess I thought he was making the commitment to our marriage again. However, apparently I misunderstood? While I expected things to be awkward for quite some time, I thought he would be supportive and loving towards me again - that didn't happen. He did want to ML to me, which we have done often since he came home. But outside of the bedroom, he just wasn't there. He didn't want to talk about the R or the OW at all and got extremely defensive if I even approached the subject cautiously. I felt I needed to have a game plan for how we were going to tackle our reconciliation. That didn't mean that we had to tackle it now, just that I wanted to know that we were on the same page. I also wanted to make sure that he had ended it with the OW.

I feel like I've been walking on eggshells ever since he's been home. Although I was miserable when he was not staying at home, I guess I was getting into a routine with that and always had the hope that he was going to follow through on his word to come home and give us another chance. I knew I just needed to be patient but that I was hopefully going to get the chance I so desperately wanted. Then, how disappointed I was when he came home and wasn't all "there." It was as if he was physically home but that he wasn't "in the game" with me.

We had a trip scheduled for several months (way before I found out about the A). He kept reassuring me that he wanted to go on that trip as H and W and that he would be home by then, etc. Well, it went right up to him not coming home until a week before the trip, but at least he came home, and he stayed home for that whole week.

Our trip was for another week or so, so we were together pretty much 24/7 for that whole time. It was business as well as pleasure, and a lot of our business friends were there, so it wasn't as if it was just the two of us, but we were still sleeping in the same room and together the whole time.

We did ML a few times on the trip, but he also turned me down a few times, too. I was feeling so distant from him and hurting so much inside and was struggling with what to do. I had hoped I would be able to let my guard down and start working together on how we got to this mess and start just having fun together again. None of that was happening, which was tearing me up inside.

I ended up breaking down on the 2nd day of our trip and asking him some R questions - I just couldn't take it anymore and really felt like I needed to understand where he was at. I was angry that he wouldn't at least give me that. At any rate, what it came down to is that he said he just needed some space and that everything was going to be fine with us in time. I was okay with that and agreed to give him space and that we would work on it when he was ready.

The next several days of the trip were okay. We had nice times together. I told him that it made me feel better if he would hold my hand and kiss me when we weren't in the bedroom, that it made me feel close to him, but that I only wanted him to do that if he felt comfortable with it. He started doing that(at least hand-holding) immediately, which made me feel really good.

Then, the night before we left, he happened to be talking on my phone, and his phone rang. I went to grab it for him and just missed the call. I looked on the "missed calls" list to see who it was for him (completely innocently), and I noticed that there were two missed text messages that day from the OW.

Well, that was all it took. I couldn't take it anymore and absolutely had to have a conversation about this. I had purposely not "gone there" yet as far as asking him about the OW and how he had left things with her. He told me the first night he came home that he had resolved things with her, and I assumed that meant that he had told her that he was going to give us another chance. But I had not asked him again about her. Then, when I saw the missed texts, I just couldn't take it anymore.

Well, long story short for that night, we talked for about 3 hours, got about 2 hours of sleep and woke up again, talked for about 3 more hours, got a few minutes more of sleep, and woke up. We talked about so much, but the important parts for now are that he said he only told the OW that he needed some time to sort through things and that he was going on this trip, etc. He did NOT tell her that he had decided to give us another chance, which tore me up. I asked him why, and he said he just didn't want to hurt anyone. I asked him if he didn't tell her because he really wasn't intending on giving us another chance, and he said he didn't know. He also said that he hadn't decided whether he wanted to work on our M and that he was hurting and confused. He asked me a few questions about if we could not be married anymore but still continue our business together, which tore me up. We talked about that a bit. The next morning, after not getting much sleep for either of us, I told him I was sorry if I said some things I shouldn't have, and he said that he was sorry, too. I asked him if we could agree to just not make any rash decisions and work on our marriage slowly, like we had agreed the other day. He said that would be fine. We then ML. I had a pit in my stomach the whole day after the difficult night of finding out about the texts and having the hard conversations. We came home from our trip later that night. We got home this past Sunday.

So Sunday he stayed at home. I came home, and he was asleep on the couch. I tried to get him up to bed, but he was too tired, so I just let him sleep. I slept in the guest bedroom just in case he had purposely fallen asleep on the couch and not wanted to sleep with me. He came up to bed in the middle of the night.

On Monday night he worked really late, and later in the evening before I came home I stopped by where he was working and asked him some business questions and then just asked him if I could ask him a few questions, as I was feeling sick to my stomach from being so unsettled still about things. He said I could. We just talked for maybe 15 minutes, and I asked him about some of the things he had said the other night. He told me he didn't want to talk about it then and that he would agree to still work on our marriage and would agree that if I gave him some space he would not just come home one day and say it was over, that he would talk with me and work through things. I pushed too much, and he got angry. I tried to smooth things over the best I could before I left and told him I was sorry and that I really just wanted to do the right things for our M. I asked him what i could do to support him. He said there was nothing I could do differently. I ended up leaving and then coming back again, as he said he wasn't sure if he was coming home, that he might work all night. I told him that I hoped he would please put himself in my shoes and understand how hard it would be under the circumstances for him to just not come home. He got really angry at that, which I didn't expect. I apologized again if I was out of line and left.

He slept at our office last night. I woke up about 3 in the morning and couldn't sleep and decided I needed to know if he was with her, so I drove out to check. He was at our office, which gave me a huge sense of relief.

So today I worked really hard on just going back to hard core DB'g again as far as not contacting him, etc., and just giving him some space. I thought we were through that part of this whole thing but realized that maybe that's what he still needs. So I didn't talk to him until yesterday afternoon, and it was just for a few minutes on the phone. He told me that he was on his way to a meeting at 5:30, and I asked him to call me when he was done, and he said he would.

I didn't hear from him and called around 7 to let him know that i was done with a meeting I had and to call me when he was done. I didn't hear from him and ended up snooping again to see if he had gone over to OW house. I did not find his car but may have missed it.

So I got home, and to my horror I discovered that he had packed a bag again with clothes... I was absolutely devastated. I resisted the urge to try to call him again and also to go back out looking for him. Instead, I paced around the house for a while and then got back out yet again the Divorce Remedy book to look for some more answers.

After re-reading some sections, I feel like that we just took things too fast. He wanted me to just act like nothing happened (he even TOLD me that that was what he wanted for now). I attempted to do that by being myself, asking to ML to him (which was the main reason this whole thing happened - my lack of sex drive), and working on being close to him again. Although the majority of the time he agreed to my ML advances, the rest of the time he felt so distant, and he definitely was not in that supportive, I'm ready to work on this with everything I am state of mind. He hates reading, so I had gotten a relationship book on CD for us to hopefully listen to on the plane. When I asked him about whether he wanted to listen with me, he said no, that he just wanted to relax. So I just let it go with sadness in my heart. Later during our marathon conversation that one evening, he told me that when he had seen that in our luggage it just made his skin crawl... I don't know why? He obviously is just not in the right place to be willing to work on us.

At any rate, there are more details obviously, but I wanted to be as brief as I could and still get the basics out there. It's the middle of the night now, and I've worken up again and just wanted to see if it might help me through the night to post here and get some things off my chest and get some advice. My thoughts are that we just went back into things too fast, he wasn't ready to commit again fully, I was hurt and feeling rejected and confused and not supported and went back to my old pleading, crying ways, and now I've pushed him away again.

I've resisted my urge to go out looking for him again tonight to see if he's at OW's house but have a feeling that that is where he is at. By the way, he told me that there had been a few texts back and forth between them since he had been home but that it was "shallow" conversations. He said the texts I saw (which I didn't read) just asked how he was doing and whatnot.

So, my question is what do I do tomorrow? I'm so angry that he did not have the guts to tell me in person or even leave me some sort of note that he was leaving again. I asked him when we had our short phone conversation yesterday if everything was okay with us, and he said it was. And at that point he had already been home and gotten his stuff, so he already knew what he was planning but chose to say nothing about it and rather to reassure me, I'm sure just to avoid conflict. But to not bother to call me later or have left a note and to let me just come home to find that - I thought that was really cruel and insensitive.

As must as I know he probably just needs some space right now, I feel like I need to talk to him after this has happened now and see what is going on. I'm afraid that we will have another bad conversation and don't want to push him away even further with that, but at the same time, don't I have a right to know what his plans are now? He promised me that he would not just come home and say that he had had enough and that we were done, and he just told me a couple of nights ago that he was still willing to work on us... I'm so confused. And he said that he was confused, too.

I felt like I've pushed him back into her arms again possibly, but I could be overreacting. I just don't know anymore. I was doing so good at DB'g with detaching and the LRT before he came home, and then I guess I thought once he came home the healing would begin, and I was working on being loving and supportive, only to be pushed away by him. I was torn, as I didn't want to act non-supportive and non-loving for fear he would think that I didn't care. It seems looking back that I should have kept my distance more. We only had really those few conversations about the R since he came home, but I guess that was enough to push him away again. I just felt like I had a right to at least know where things stood and to feel supported in that way - I have been through so much the past few months while he was not at home and being so patient while I waited for him. Then for him to come home and not really be all "there" was completely devastating.

Okay. That's enough for now! \:\) Please help!!!! As much as I want to DB tomorrow and not even bring up that he didn't come home, I just feel like I can't overlook this and at least need to see what he has to say so that I know what I'm dealing with. What should I do???