He said he's seeing someone new

[4ever_Regretful]

Ophelia,

I agree the R he has with OW is not healthy. As for why it is lasting this long, it just may be because they feel like they have a pact, an us against all of them mentality. I hate to say this, but it seems like until they start to feel they no longer need to fight for there R, they may start to focus on the R and see it for what it is.

As for moving on, I keep reminding myself about "acting as if" with that situation. I am in the same place as you, where I know I do not and can not move on, but I know that if I keep pushing, I will get the adverse effects of what I am trying to acheive. I believe that if he send him the letter or confront him now, it will only stand to remind him of what he has given up for the OW and make him work even harder at that R to convince not only you, but himself that it was worth it.

[Ophelia]

I re-read the letter from the L and noticed that they STILL had my name wrong on the top of the letter! They've changed the "Ms" to "Mrs", but my name is still spelled wrongly. There are typos throughout the whole thing as well. Really professional.

I agree the R he has with OW is not healthy. As for why it is lasting this long, it just may be because they feel like they have a pact, an us against all of them mentality. I hate to say this, but it seems like until they start to feel they no longer need to fight for there R, they may start to focus on the R and see it for what it is.

That's a very good point, though I suspect the only person they're really fighting is me, and I've left them alone apart from that one outburst. I doubt they're fighting very many of his friends, (who were also my friends, so that's kinda sad if they're all fine with him having an A).

I actually found out OW's name tonight, purely by chance! My brother and his girlfriend were playing football with H again tonight, only B's GF wasn't feeling well, so was just sitting on the sidelines. She was sitting next to one of our friends, we'll call her R, and the other friend I've mentioned before, T.

T was using H's phone to send a txt to someone. R asked T who he was txting and he said, "Amy". Without thinking anything of it, B's GF asked, "Who's Amy?" R replied without thinking, "H's GF." This apparently prompted a "don't be saying that" look from T. So obviously T is buddies with Amy if he's txting her, and obviously R knows all about Amy as well.

Anyway, I don't know any Amy, and can't remember H mentioning anyone by that name in the past, but at least now I've got that name which is one less thing to wonder about, (and with my punching bag arriving tomorrow, I might just have to make an "Amy" sign and stick it on the bag for motivation ).

As for moving on, I keep reminding myself about "acting as if" with that situation. I am in the same place as you, where I know I do not and can not move on, but I know that if I keep pushing, I will get the adverse effects of what I am trying to acheive. I believe that if he send him the letter or confront him now, it will only stand to remind him of what he has given up for the OW and make him work even harder at that R to convince not only you, but himself that it was worth it.

Your words make complete sense, 4ever! And the last thing I want to make him feel is closer to her. So my head knows that attacking their R won't do any good, it's just a matter of getting my heart to listen!

The letter was really just going to be my telling him that I forgive him. You see, I think that a big issue in all this is gonna be FIL's A and how I reacted to that. I lost count of how many times both H and I said to each other, "Why doesn't she just leave him and make life easier for everyone?" So now here I am accusing H of doing the same thing his father did, but instead of not wanting anything to do with him, I'm still hanging around like a bad smell. Considering the animosity I had, (and to a certain extent still have, about 6 years later) towards FIL, why should H believe that I could just forgive and forget what he is doing?

So I basically wanted to tell him that yes, I did see FIL's A as a very black and white and unforgivable sitch. However, now that I've been living the same sitch, and now that I've been reading so much about how other people react and deal in the same sitch, I've come to realise that it's not black and white, it's actually about 50 million shades of grey. So yes, believe it or not, I can forgive him, and should there come a day when he'd like to speak to me again, that I won't look down on him for what he's done or hold it over his head or throw it back in his face.

Maybe saying those things would remove some of the stigma he's craving so much with this R with OW. If I can say that I forgive him, and that I'm not angry with him anymore, then maybe the allure of the forbidden R won't be as strong, because it won't be quite as forbidden anymore. Of course, on the other hand he must just think, "Woohoo! Nothing to feel guilty about anymore!" and carry on his merry way with his unhealthy R.

[S4N]

Hey O, saw you on GF's thread and wanted to take a look at your sitch. You came to a very wise realization about your reaction to your FIL's A. I used to think the same way and although I have no indication or proof of an A with my H, I feel much differently about the subject since it is a possibility. Until your are in that sitch, I guess it ia hard to see both sides.

At first your H may feel this vindication at being forgiven but the OW's allure will fade and fade fast. Stay strong for you and your sanity. I feel for you as our sitchs are not the same but our life profile is: no kids, M 5yrs, known H for a decade or more...got our bad news in Oct. O, I can see in your post that you can forgive and I don't know how it all works in Australia but hang in there and most importantly KEEP YOUR DIGNITY...save all the other stuff that you need to get out for your Amy punching bag

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi Ophelia,

I think the letter is a great idea. It will give you the chance to tell him how you are feeling and will put the ball in his court as to how he wants to handle it.

You are right about not being able to see both sides until you find yourself in the middle of it. I have always valued my honesty, but as you can see, I did not work hard enough to uphold it.

As for him not feeling guilty and see the letter as an approval for his behavior, I am sure that will not be how he will take it. No matter what, I believe he is confused, feeling guilty, and must be upset with himself. It is just easier to believe you made him the way he is so he is directing all of that towards you. The letter could help in diffusing some of that.

[Ophelia]

Thanks for stopping by, S4N. Sometimes I feel like the only child-less member on here, so it's nice to bump into another one.

O, I can see in your post that you can forgive and I don't know how it all works in Australia but hang in there and most importantly KEEP YOUR DIGNITY...save all the other stuff that you need to get out for your Amy punching bag

I gave the punching bag a good serve today. Felt rather awesome I must say. Looks like I've got a bit of a bruise coming up on one knuckle to prove it, (and that was with the punching bag gloves, so I guess I musta got a few really hard hits in).

I really do want to keep my dignity and integrity intact. I did my fair share of begging in the beginning, and I don't want to go back to that, and I guess asking in any way, shape or form for more info from H will be seen as desperate, begging behaviour.

As for how things work here, you can't file for D until you've been separated for 12 months, so H can't file before Oct 3rd. I think that once you do file, it's all finalised pretty much straight away though. Seeing as how he can't D me til Oct, he's getting a property settlement instead, (which can actually be filed up to 12 months after a couple is officially D). It's the closest thing he can get to being legally D from me for now, and if he can make himself feel like he's legally D from me, then he won't have to feel in the least bit guilty about OW. He already maintains that it's not an A, because as far as he's concerned, we're already D.

You are right about not being able to see both sides until you find yourself in the middle of it. I have always valued my honesty, but as you can see, I did not work hard enough to uphold it.

Yep, you just never know how you'll act or react. I know that H never would have seen himself doing what he is now. When his father had the A he pretty much wanted to kill him and told me that if he ever started acting like his father in any way that I should kick his arse for it and pull him back into line. And yet, here we are, H doing just what his father did.

No matter what, I believe he is confused, feeling guilty, and must be upset with himself. It is just easier to believe you made him the way he is so he is directing all of that towards you. The letter could help in diffusing some of that.

That's what I'm hoping. If he realises that I don't have to be the enemy, then he won't feel the need to fight against me. Maybe. Hopefully. Perhaps.

Thanks both of you for the advice. I think I will send him that forgiveness letter, it's just a matter of making sure I word it the right way.

I saw my sister last night and told her about the big "Amy" reveal. S isn't happy. In fact, she's super pissed off at H. She basically sees his betrayal of me as a betrayal of the whole family, herself included, so she'd love a little bit of personal revenge. She was contemplating ways she could track down this "Amy" and give her a piece of her mind. I explained to her how that wouldn't have a positive result, and in fact would only end up pushing H and OW closer together because he'll feel like he has to defend her when she goes crying to him about it. S agreed that it wasn't actually a good idea, but still said that she wished there was something she could do which wouldn't screw things up any worse for me. Don't we all wish there was something we could do which wouldn't just screw things up even worse? *sigh*

[Ophelia]

Just copying something I wrote in another thread just now. There's a thread on the "Hopefulness" board where people can post hopeful song lyrics. Someone (missmyfriend) posted:

About a week ago, as I was getting out of the shower, this song came on the radio. (I had been asking God to let me know that He was there for me) I felt He was the one singing to me.

Then they posted the lyrics to the song that came on the radio.

Anyway, here's what I just got done posting in that thread....

missmyfriend, I was just reading your post a few minutes ago, thinking what a wonderful "sign" it was for you. Something you'd been asking for to let you know that you weren't really alone.

Anyway, I sat here and thought, "What I wouldn't give for some inspirational and hopeful song to come on the radio right now, just to give me a sign that I shouldn't give up hope altogether," (have been feeling particularly pessimistic the last couple of days). Then I forgot about it, because as if something like that would actually happen just because I was hoping for it. I pondered switching off the radio and going to have a shower, but instead went to the kitchen to get a snack, then came back to the computer. The song that was on the radio finished up and the next one started. It's not exactly a romantic song...or a hopeful song....or an inspiring song....it was "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams....

Thing is, H and I first "met" on an email mailing list for BA fans. The first day we met in person, we went into a music shop with pianos, and H sat down and played "Everything I Do" for me, (he'd been practicing at home because he'd had it planned and was super nervous and worried he'd stuff it up). When H proposed to me, we were in the front row at a BA concert. He was in the middle of singing "Everything I Do" and I felt a tap on my arm and turned around to see H holding a ring....

Anyway, point is, BA is our thing that brought us together, and here I was wishing for some song to come on the radio to give me some hope, and it just happened to be a BA song. Of all the billions of songs that coulda come on the radio at that exact point in time, (not to mention if I had have gone for that shower instead and turned the radio off and not been sitting here to hear it). And yes, perhaps it was a freakish coincidence, but I'm gonna choose to blissfully ignore that possibility, because for the first time in several days I'm actually feeling a bit better about things.

[Ophelia]

Nothing much been happening over the last few days. I really should have been thinking about my reply for H's L, which has to be in by Wed, but I've been in a relatively good mood for the past few days, and thinking about the legal crap just brings me down, so I haven't thought about it much.

Sent H an email today. Nothing personal, in fact here it is word for word, (only without names)..

H,

Could you give me X's email address? I want to check with him that they still have the flagpoles and that they'll be ready and waiting to be picked up on Friday night.

O

Sent it at 1:30pm. It's just gone midnight and no reply. If I haven't gotten a reply by Monday, I'm thinking I'll email our friend who is also H's workmate to see if he has the email address, as the person I need to contact, (before next Friday), is a client of their company. And yes, I'll have to say that I'm asking him because H has ignored my email, and this friend is the kinda guy who will probably tell H off for ignoring my email, too. Anyway, I need to contact this person before Friday, so if H isn't going to bother giving me the info I need then I'll just have to get it from someone else. Nothing else to it.

H's and brother's football team were meant to play in the semi-final of their comp last Wed, but the games got rained out. So this Wed they're playing the semi-final, then the grand final about half an hour after that. I'm still contemplating going along, because if my brother and his girlfriend make the grand final, I'd like to be there to see them play, and frankly, if H doesn't like that, I don't give a crap.

In totally unrelated news, my best friend just bought her own apartment. It was all made official today! I wanted to get her a housewarming pressie, and am quite proud of the idea I came up with. I remembered that when I was showing her some photos I took that there were a couple that she said she wouldn't mind having copies of, so I've gotten one of them enlarged and got a nice frame for it. When she was visiting a few days ago, she said that it may sound silly, but one thing she's really looking forward to is that once she's in her new place, which she'll own, she can't wait to bang a nail in the wall anywhere she wants to hang a picture. Can't bang nails in the wall of a rented place, which is all she's had up until now! So she'll be able to bang that nail into the wall and hang up my photo which she liked. I figured that's a pretty good gift.

[phoenix23]

Ophelia - I'm a total newbie, just posted my story today in Newcomers under "Could it be an MLC?", but I've been reading posts for a few weeks now and have been following your story because it reminds me so much of mine. Anyways, just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. You haven't posted in this thread in a few days.

[Ophelia]

Hi pheonix. I'll pop over and read your thread. Thanks for stopping by.

I finally got a reply to that email. Hadn't gotten one by Monday morning, so I forwarded it on to his work email instead, and I got a reply. Just a very brief one. "Sure, here's the address". I've since emailed him to ask him a follow up question, but no reply to that one. I emailed one of our other friends who is in the same group of people, and who also has their flagpoles stored with mine, because I just wanted to keep her updated. She replied and said that she didn't know if H had told me, but apparently both he and this friend of ours had discussed this very topic with the people who arrange it at the end of last season, and everything had been sorted out then. Nice of H to let me know that when he replied to my email. *rolls eyes*

The letter to his L saying that I'm willing to agree to the terms of the property settlement was posted last night. I don't want to have to agree to it, but I don't see any way to stall it, so I'm pretty much stuck.

Tomorrow night is the football game that H and my brother are playing in. I'm still deciding whether or not I'm gonna go. Who knows how H will react to seeing me. Who knows how everyone else (I know several people on the team) will react to seeing me. If it goes horribly, then H will probably rant about it to some of his other friends, who I'll be seeing at the football, (professional football that is...different to the football H and my brother play) on Friday night at the first game of the season. So if H bitches about me to them then that won't make the football on Friday night all that fun.

Anyway, the way I see it is if he really believes that he's totally over me and isn't doing anything wrong with OW, then technically it shouldn't make him uncomfortable to see me, right? And if it does, then maybe it might make him think about some stuff. Of course, he's probably likely to be in more of a, "WTF does that bitch think she's doing, showing up unexpectedly like that?" state of mind as opposed to a, "That was just really weird seeing her again," state of mind, but it's not like I can control what he thinks or does, right? That's all down to him.

And the possibility of OW being there has also popped into my mind, but I figure the chances of that are slim, seeing as how my brother will be there, so I doubt she will be, but even if she is, well she shouldn't have any problem with seeing me there if she doesn't believe she's doing anything wrong by sleeping with my H, and I'm fully prepared to ignore her completely on the off chance that she's there.

One of the major reasons I want to go is to show him that I'm not just crumbled up in a sobbing heap, pining away for him every second of the day. I'm sure that's what he thinks of me right now, and I guess I can't really blame him, seeing as how the last time he heard from me I was all freaked out and bawling my eyes out over him and OW. But if I can go along to the football and keep my composure, smile, and stand my ground, then at least he'll see me in a different, slightly stronger light than he's imagined me in over the past several months. Whatever he does or doesn't do with that new image of me is up to him, but at least he won't be able to avoid seeing it.

My only real challenge will be not to say something sarcastic or nasty if one friend in particular tries to bait me into it. The same guy who tried to bait my brother into saying something nasty with the constant, "Why haven't you been coming along?" a few weeks ago.

Maybe it'll all go horribly, but then again, maybe it won't. And honestly, I would really like to be there to watch my brother play if they make the grand final, because he's been mentioning for a couple of weeks now how cool it'll be if they finally make it to the grand final this year after bombing out every year before. He's been rather excited about it, so I'd like to be there to show my support if it happens.

In totally unrelated but totally cool news, I had a brilliant win on ebay the other day! I'm such a dork, but it really makes my day if I win an ebay auction. It was for three seedlings of this rare bromeliad, (pretty much the only plants I can manage not to kill), and it was just my luck that no one else put a bid on, so I won for an awesome, bargain price. I actually did a little happy dance when I won. Like I said, they're only seedlings right now, but when they grow up, they're gonna look like THIS when they're in flower. Pretty impressive, no? I'm keeping one for myself and giving the others to MIL and a friend of hers, (they both have extensive bromeliad collections).

GAH, I've gone and done it again...another novel length post. Making up for the few days when I didn't post anything, I suppose.

[phoenix23]

One of the major reasons I want to go is to show him that I'm not just crumbled up in a sobbing heap, pining away for him every second of the day. I'm sure that's what he thinks of me right now, and I guess I can't really blame him, seeing as how the last time he heard from me I was all freaked out and bawling my eyes out over him and OW. But if I can go along to the football and keep my composure, smile, and stand my ground, then at least he'll see me in a different, slightly stronger light than he's imagined me in over the past several months. Whatever he does or doesn't do with that new image of me is up to him, but at least he won't be able to avoid seeing it.

I think this is a great reason to go. I get the impression that you and your H, like me and my H, have a lot of mutual friends that you will both still be in contact with, so the bottom line is that you will probably be running in the same circles for some time to come and you can't avoid every social situation forever, especially when it is something you have a legitimate interest in going to. I think you should go, smile a lot, be cheerful and upbeat, maybe even say a non-chalant 'hi" to your H if you see him (even if he is with OW), look your best and show him you're not defeated. (I say this as much for you as to convince myself to do this as well - see in my thread re: H's upcoming 30th b-day party).