I have been married almost 8 years. We have 3 beautiful boys that we love so so much. I am a second wife for him, he's my first marriage. There were no children from his previous marriage.
According to him, he was enjoying being married and after 8 years, she filed for divorce "out of the blue" and hurt him to the core. He says she was acting weird one morning, he asked what was wrong and she told him she wanted a divorce, without explanation. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and I feel like I am reliving the other side of that story--HER side!
What I see as our main problem: He is never and I mean NEVER interrested in sex. I initiate always. Even on our honeymoon, I was making comments and requests to go to the hotel and stay at the hotel and on and on. He would just look at me and smile and say, "But we won't be here again for a long time, lets just shop!"
There has ALWAYS been an excuse for why he doesn't want to be intimate. He will keep busy by watching TV, working in the garage or yard, running errands or just flat out refusing any invitations for sex. I have put on the purfume and neglege, put the kids to bed, massaged him and then BAM! He says, No, I don't want to tonight and roll over and go to sleep. I have cried myself to sleep so many times that it isn't funny. I am now to the point of avoiding bedtime and taking sleeping pills so I don't lay awake at night listening to him snoring and wanting to smack him for hurting me so many times without thought of my feelings. The last few weeks, we've had annual sex, whether we needed it or not...
We have been to several marriage counselors and he always bluffs them and pretends all is well and I am overreacting. I feel like an unpaid, co-existing roommate that does his cooking and laundry and takes care of his kids. They have all ended the sessions saying we must just be experiencing "normal growing pains" of a relationship. We did go to a pretty good counselor but she told me that I needed to find something ELSE that would satisfy me emotionally since he didn't want sex. Hello!!! Isn't that why we "mate?"
When we are alone, we rarely talk about anything serious that's not about the kids or gossip about someone else. He is very aware of being appropriate in all situations. He says the right things at the right times and he is very friendly and helpful to everyone else but me. So I think that his "lip service" of saying he loves me every morning before going to work and every night before going to bed is another of his social graces and isn't backed up by any hard evidence.
As far as our history of love relationships for us: His parents are very mean with each other and don't have anything nice to say about the other. They sleep in separate bedrooms, have separate vacations and bank accounts and got 3 dogs after the kids were grown so they could have something in common again. I told him that we would NOT be like them, but guess what! My parents are very loving and very affectionate. They talk about everything and are very happy. They work out problems and are always seen holding hands and kissing even after 30 years!
I have always been the one in our relationship to smoothe everything over and suck it up to make HIS life easier and happier. I promised him when we were married that I wouldn't hurt him like SHE hurt him by springing divorce on him. I knew that I had enough love to heal him. But now, I am to the point of seriously considering separation and/or divorce.
I can't get past the fear that we will get divorced and I will hurt him AND my kids. But I am also "mad as hell" about his neglecting me emotionally. The boys love their dad to pieces and I don't feel strong enough to tear our family apart but I am definately not strong enough to stay in it either. I'm just tired of feeling so alone! HE can't be happy with the way things are either because he always seems close to his boiling point just like I am. But he seems content to not talk or do anything to make things better. So I'm stuck in my rut of "sucking it up" to not make waves.
What the root question I want an answer to is: WHY does he not want to connect with me on MORE than a superficial level and expecially sexually? Does he love me enough to do a 180? But how do you talk to someone about why they don't want sex when we barely talk about the weather? You can't talk someone into loving you back... and reciprocity is also VITAL, I'm finding!
One main reason I would leave: My boys will eventually figure out that we're not so into each other and I'm terrified that they will see our relationship and go and do the same to some other poor woman!!!
