Life of Job

[81388*]

Just an after thought, but don't get me started on "legally". Our legal system is at times the best in the world, and at others reprehensible.

How is it that legally one disatisfied, depressed, confused person can inflict so much damage on others without so much as a sideways glance from our courts.

You want out? well thats good enough for us, but we will determine what is best for your children. What is best for our children is for someone she might listen to, to tell her to extract her head from her a$$ and think about what she is doing. To stop thinking only about herself and really but the needs of her children first. To set an example by toughing it out and showing her committment to her family and the values she has claimed as her own for the last 18 years, and tried to instill in her children.

Sorry, just venting, but that is what I think would be best for all of our children.

[whatisis]

8, I am in absolute agreement with you in your last two posts. It seems surreal that they say they love, and show love, to their children but are willing to do something that can only inflict incredible damage on them. If we were unwilling to even look at changing ourselves or the R, I would have some compassion yet that is not the case. If we try and it doesn't work, well, so be it but not this! That's why my W (and maybe yours) is still here, the guilt she feels re what leaving would do to the children. Again, that is probably not the only reason, but that's what she states (for whatever that's worth).
Re the legal stuff, my lawyer told me to be very careful in any interaction, she said if I so much as brush her going out the door in the morning, W could get a court order banning me from the home! She's seen it happen. She also told me to avoid any angry confrontation like the plague. It is amazing to me that adutlery is not seen as a negative when the court is looking at custody, unless the lifestyle is completely crazy!
Obviously, the best thing is to work things our amiacably, even separation,this is best for us, our children and any future chances for reconciliation. I try to keep this in mind, especially on those days I'm ready to show her the door. Aside from hoping she comes to her senses, my secondary dream is that she will decide to leave. Me leaving, is kind of my nightmare but what is is!

[theoden]

8,

Take a minute.

Whatisis is helping you to think practically. Listen.

Let's look at at four things:

1. What's killing you right now? I mean what's REALLY killing you? The lack of respect. Your wife is screwing some other guy. In another time or another culture, I might join the lynch gang and string that bastard up with you. In understand. You feel like a doormat. You feel emasculated, you feel like you are your wife's bitch. You want you power pack. You feel like your boundaries are being stepped on. You want to feel like a man, like a freaking human being. By right, by natural law, by every fibre of your being, by your sacred honor the one thing you feel should happen is white-hot justice to be executed. A 180 for you would be, in some way, being more assertive, more clear, more powerful, more focused, more Alpha-Male. Is asking her to leave the house the ONLY way to achieve that? Is it? Are there other ways of declaring boundaries? Think hard.

2. What if she says, when you ask her to leave, "No, it's my house too."? What then? What's your ultimatum? You can't make her leave. The courts will proabably ask you to leave if you file for separation/divorce. Will you leave if she says no? And then what happens? You leave your own home, subsidize your wife's affair and punish your children. I'm not saying asking her to leave is a bad idea. If she wants to have an affair, she should leave your family and feel what's it like to lose something. It might do her some good. It might make her think. But -- I think asking her to leave means you are, to some extent, really prepared to follow through with somethign more drastic. Do you want to have custody of the kids? Do you want shared custody? Think hard about the worst case and figure out what you want. If you want shared custody then a nasty divorce is not necessary. If you want full custody, then you need to play your cards differently. Go talk to a lawyer. Get an accurate picture of what will happen given various "what-ifs". Be careful, divorce lawyers are often unscrupulous. They want to it to drag out long. They will promise the moon and deliver a shared custody arrangement that you could have done with a mediator.

3. Patience. Are you sure your DB efforts are not working? Sometimes they take 6, 9, 12, 18 or 24 months. Only you can figure out how much is enough. Have you tried the Last Resort Technique? Have you experiment with various forms of detachment/being assertive? Are you really GAL to such a degree that she's getting curious about you? Remember it takes at least 3-6 months of GAL to be noticable.

4. I think you need to get to the point where you are no longer afraid of losing her. Once you are there, whatever you do, even if it asking her to get an apartment, will be done without fear, without desperation, without, frustration. You are still DB, but able to take risks. Are you in that place yet?

--Theoden

[81388*]

Well, the opportunity was lost, she told me tonight that she has rented a place as of March 1st.

I said that sounded like a good idea, and her reply was that "she was going to take her time moving out so that it wasn't so traumatic" Traumatic for whom?

She told me in the parking lot at the school after a Parent-teacher conferance, ironic don't you think?

After we got home, I had given S6 a bath and did his reading with him, he was asking to do his math/pattern activity, I said why don't you see if Mom wants to help you with that. He came back in saying, "I don't know why, but Mom is just sad." broke my heart, but I went into the other room and gave W a pat on the back and just told her,"Don't be sad, be happy. This is what you wanted." and left it at that.

I think I did a pretty good job at being detached, and that scared the sh!t out of me. Like I really don't care if she stays or leaves, as long as she makes up her mind and does something.

After I had calmed down on the inside, and after she had gone to bed, I went in to see her and told her, "you shouldn't be sad, it is obvious that you are not happy here and you deserve to be happy. I have done everything I know how to do and it ain't enough, so you need to go out and find a place where you can be happy. We will all be fine, I don't know what it will all look like, but we will be fine."

This is KILLING me, but I know that it is what has to happen. There can be no repair until she starts to see what is broken. I can't fix this, and until she admits to herself that she can't fix it either, but that she wants to work together to fix it, we don't stand a chance.

Did I mention that this is killing me. I can't even imagine what I or our children will feel like as she walks out the door telling us all "that it will be OK", Mommy just needs to be happy, and this is what makes Mommy happy, so sorry to leave your hearts laying on the ground like that, but chin-up it will be alright, we'll have lots of fun at Mommy's new house with Mommy's new husband, you'll see everything will be OK.

All she had to say tonight after I cut my own heart out was "thanks", at least she was crying as she said it.

[ford]

heyya 81.

sorry you're hurting.

at least now she can see what she'll be missing. think of it like a father catching his 10 yr old son smoking, to get him away from ciggs, the father makes him smoke a whole pack.

so keep your bearings and stand back so you don't get covered in ashes.


we got your back.

[81388*]

Ford, thanks man. I know it is tough love, but man is it tough. Maybe it is just preperation for my "real" teenagers.

I really don't know what to think at this point. I guess I always thought it wouldn't get to this point, but now that it has I can't say that I am surprised. This woman has never done anything half-assed, she is either all-in or all-out. Right now, she is all-out.

I think my greatest fear is that she will find everything she has been lacking with someone else, I know that sounds kind of selfish, but this whole ordeal has me second guessing myself.

[ford]

I think my greatest fear is that she will find everything she has been lacking with someone else, I know that sounds kind of selfish, but this whole ordeal has me second guessing myself.

feeling this way is normal at this point.

one positive is now, she'll notice any real changes you make, thing is, if you can properly detach, you really wont care if she notices.

is she expecting you to cover the cost of the new place?

[81388*]

Has not said anything about finances, it is a house in the area that is on the market, I guess OM has stepped up and is helping out w/ rent, I don't think she could cover it otherwise, but who knows? She could cover rent, but not alot else. I plan on giving her the pleasure of making her truck payment and credit card payments as well. My name is still on the truck loan, so I guess I am the hook for that if she dosn't pay it, but the CC are in her name only.

I don't know if I am detaching, or just in shock today.

[whatisis]

8, I am so sorry for your pain right now. You never know how you'll respond until it happens. I think you did great, your family should be proud. Try to maintain that positive demeanor NO MATTER WHAT. That is what will keep the door open for your W. It's heartbreaking to think about the kids, I know. Your W knows the pain she is causing and it would be so tempting for you to say "I hope you happiness is worth all the pain it is causing your kids" but DON'T DO IT. Focus on helping the kids through this trying time without badmouthing mom. Take the high road.
My immediate advice is to go to a lawyer and check out your rights and what you can expect from her, a separation agreement is always preferable. The bright spot is that she has left you in a good spot re custody. She will have abandoned her children! You are therefore the custodial parent and can make all the decisions. She is entitled to access, that's it! As far as debts, again, check with the lawyer. Just because the truck is in your name does not relieve her of the financial responsibility as it is "family property". Once you have the info you can decide how to proceed. Knowledge is power, as they say!
You have done so much and been through Hell, you have survived. Feel sad but know you've done and will continue to do the right thing. She will have to live with her conscience, yours is clear now.
Keep us posted, we're here for you!!!!

[theoden]

8,

Prayed for you this morning.

Be strong. She wants to go -- good. You can't stop her. It's morally honest and clear: she is leaving the family.

You don't need to lie to your kids. Don't bad-mouth mommy. But don't sugar-coat it with, "Mommy needs to be happy." Tell them the truth. "Mommy right now doesn't want to live with Daddy."

Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself in two ways:

1. Custody

2. Finances.

Don't be adversarial with your wife -- lawyers love to shed blood.

The space might do you good. Give you a chance to GAL with some peace.

--Theoden