Life of Job

[81388*]

Well, the opportunity was lost, she told me tonight that she has rented a place as of March 1st.

I said that sounded like a good idea, and her reply was that "she was going to take her time moving out so that it wasn't so traumatic" Traumatic for whom?

She told me in the parking lot at the school after a Parent-teacher conferance, ironic don't you think?

After we got home, I had given S6 a bath and did his reading with him, he was asking to do his math/pattern activity, I said why don't you see if Mom wants to help you with that. He came back in saying, "I don't know why, but Mom is just sad." broke my heart, but I went into the other room and gave W a pat on the back and just told her,"Don't be sad, be happy. This is what you wanted." and left it at that.

I think I did a pretty good job at being detached, and that scared the sh!t out of me. Like I really don't care if she stays or leaves, as long as she makes up her mind and does something.

After I had calmed down on the inside, and after she had gone to bed, I went in to see her and told her, "you shouldn't be sad, it is obvious that you are not happy here and you deserve to be happy. I have done everything I know how to do and it ain't enough, so you need to go out and find a place where you can be happy. We will all be fine, I don't know what it will all look like, but we will be fine."

This is KILLING me, but I know that it is what has to happen. There can be no repair until she starts to see what is broken. I can't fix this, and until she admits to herself that she can't fix it either, but that she wants to work together to fix it, we don't stand a chance.

Did I mention that this is killing me. I can't even imagine what I or our children will feel like as she walks out the door telling us all "that it will be OK", Mommy just needs to be happy, and this is what makes Mommy happy, so sorry to leave your hearts laying on the ground like that, but chin-up it will be alright, we'll have lots of fun at Mommy's new house with Mommy's new husband, you'll see everything will be OK.

All she had to say tonight after I cut my own heart out was "thanks", at least she was crying as she said it.