I love hearing your response Theoden - I'm glad you wrote back to me. What I have to offer is this...WHY do I have to be denied a strong connection with a human being that I truly feel something with, regardless of whether this person is platonic, romantic, a friend, etc.? If life is about making connections with people, and I can have many friends, acquaintances, family members, etc. that bring something to my life, and I to theirs, then why, in this one situation, are we forced to stop a real connection/relationship just because of the marriage institution? If I met this man in another setting, and we had never been involved romantically, I would be "allowed" by society to have a friendship with him but because of the way it happened, we are forced to keep it secret. I just find it very sad in life when there are so few people that we really truly connect with that I am supposed to just END this, because of another relationship that I started 25 years ago when I was a child.
I run the scenario that you suggest through my head...if I told my husband that I had had an affair, he would be devastated. Yes, I admit that. It would kill him. But he would not want to leave me, because he would not want to try to survive on his own - he is a very dependent person himself. He would tell me he wanted to work on our relationship, but the bottom line is that we are 2 completely different people on 2 different planets trying to maintain a life together for the kids - he is not capable of the kind of intimacy I desire (which is not sexual by the way). I get more "intimacy" from strangers than I do from my husband.
Your questions about ethics/religion, etc. are very good. I am torn with that everyday of my life. Before I met the OM, I was in a complete state of depression feeling like nothing mattered, that I did not matter...I was truly in a downward spiral and who knows where I would be now if I did not meet him. When you are with someone for 20 years who does nothing to make you feel attractive, important, special, etc. and all you see is that you are getting older, I felt cheated out of romance, intimacy, life. Then I meet someone who suddenly makes me feel alive, desirable, special, attractive, etc....yes, that is the classic affair case. But I went on to completely change myself...even knowing that the OM and I have no chance of being together...(we live in separate countries for one thing). However, he inspired me to workout, get in shape, feel younger, become more active, do more exciting things, get involved, meet people, etc., etc. - these are all things that my husband resents and cannot understand at all...I think he really wishes I were back on the couch sitting there rubbing his feet and getting fat and being comfortable.
I really do not want to live this way. Because I do know it is a lie. But I truly don't think things could ever change in my marriage because of how different we are. So I guess I am in some ways very much a coward because I would rather live a lie and have to go through each day putting on an act for the kids and my husband to keep the peace. Because I can't bear the thought of hurting him to this level. I really do not think he knows that things are this bad for me. I think he honestly thinks things are fine because I do not make waves, I never complain about anything, I just act like everything is fine. I don't think he knows the difference, because he is not missing anything since he has never had a need for intimacy, communication, etc. - he just views this as a relief that he doesn't have to deal with these things.
I have come to see my life in 2 phases - before I met the OM and after I met the OM. I think I am a better person from having met him - in 90% of my life...I stopped feeling sorry for myself, improved all of my activities, tried many new things I would never have done before, became more ambitious in my career, started doing a lot more things with my kids, etc. But on the other hand, it has made my marriage worse - because I refuse to be a lump on a log like my husband.
So...if I cut things off with the OM, who would there be to get tell when something exciting happens? If I go to a game where my child scores a basket and I see the excited look on her face, I tell the OM about it, and I get a real reaction...and there is a connection...if I were to have the same conversation with my husband, assuming he would even listen in the first place, I would get a "hmmmmm...." while he stares at the TV, barely glancing my way...
I don't know...I just continue to try to surround myself with other people...girl friends, co-workers, relatives, friends, etc....who I can have a connection with, because I can't get it at home with my own husband. And I just can't give up the relationship with the OM because it is something that just puts a smile on my face every time and I just can't see the harm in that...
The bottom line is that I think my husband and I should not be together, but I can't change that now. I am willing to keep living a lie for the kids at least for now, and that is just my baggage in life. But I also truly cannot see myself as some horrible, terrible person because there are many positive things I do everyday with my kids, my friends, in my career, with associations, etc. and even with my husband because I really think he would be lost on his own. So really the only one I really am hurting is myself. As for the OM, I don't think he is as in deep as me - he is the same as when I met him in the first place, just a very positive, upbeat, active, exciting person - I don't think this effects his daily life in a way that it hurts his relationship with his wife...I think they have a very nice relationship and I do know that he does a lot of the things with her that I wish for my own marriage (conversations, talking, discussing the future, talking about plans, etc.) And you probably would ask - why does he keep up a relationship with me? For him, I think it is about the friendship, just like you wouldn't want to end a friendship with someone that you happen to get along really well with...we just have a connection.
Oh well - thanks for letting me vent. Time for bed...
