LG, Hope you are well. Loved the lyrics, posted them on my blog today - they are great. Keep us posted, friend. Rooting for you!
Thanks for the well wishes!
Last night, at the MC, I decided to try a different approach, and rather than interrogate W about the OM, I spoke about the realizations I have come to see, about how I contributed to conditions leading to her decisions. I tried to stay positive in talking about my job possibilities, and I could tell my W was appreciative of this approach.
I said that even though I would prefer she stay with me in our home as long as she was able, I do believe that I would be more successful in breaking the negative habits of interation, and making important changes in my life if I was living on my own for a time. So we talked a little about maybe beginning to draft a controlled separation agreement. She was not sounding completely comfortable with a contractual agreement that she would sign, but she said she would consider working on a draft with me.
She returned home with me for the first time in 3 days, and we enjoyed a meal of French tarragon chicken I had prepared earlier in a crock pot, along with some good white wine. We were able to talk a little bit about our R, without getting uncomfortable.
When we went to bed, I said good night to her with my head on her pillow, and was surprised when she slipped into sleep quickly with our arms around each other. I tried my best to stay awake for about 5 more minutes, so I could enjoy the joy of the physical contact, but then I too slipped into sleep.
When we awoke, it was business as usual. A little awkwardness and an early morning drive to the train station. I told her she was welcome to stay at home again tonight, but she had decided to return to her brother's house.
Oh well...such is the condition of the diehard romantic.
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
I have been spending less time in front of the computer and more time in GAL.
For an update, W has been looking at a lot of different apartments this week, while she has been staying at her brother's house, and she looked at one today that she sounds very interested in.
I met her for dinner in the city this evening, and tried to be upbeat and friendly.
The article "While Your Spouse Decides" by Michelle, featuring advice by "David", feels like it is good advice for my sitch. He truly believes that he won his wife back by being a close friend to her throughout their separation and during her affair. I have not been calling her when we are apart, but she has called me a few times. She spent Tuesday night at home, and might spend this Saturday night with me, but the apartment separation seems very imminent.
So I have been reading Choc's thread about "The Godawful Cheek Thing", and I am realizing I am confused about how much affection I should try to share or show my W right now. We still hug and I can still manage to get a 1-second "hello" or "goodbye" kiss, but since she chose to stop ML with me several weeks ago, I have been trying to not to appear needy or clingy, but of course I would love to linger on her lips, and find a way to spark something from the past.
David's experiences in the article, suggests that his wife appreciated him not pressuring her into dates or sex during their separation. I just am not clear on how much I should aim for the beautiful lips of my W when we are in close proximity, and whether I should let my hands occasionally grace her curves?
Any advice will be helpful right now...
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Wow, Dafty - That is one of the best written descriptions of Divorce Busting I've read to date. Thanks very much!
I plan to follow those guidelines, in giving my W as much space as she needs right now, but a question I have been pondering today, is whether it would be wise to invite my wife to participate with me in a Retrouvaille weekend that is coming up in Boston in only two weeks.
http://www.retrouvaille.org explains how the goal of the weekend is to reestablish good communication in the important areas of marriage. They do not offer these programs very often in the Boston area (there may not be another for many months) but 47 hours of communication in 2 1/2 days sounds pretty intense. I do not want to do anything that might backfire.
Has anyone here, attended a Retrovaille weekend with their spouse? If so, can you share what your experience was like and whether you think it would possibly be beneficial if the W.A.S. agreed to attend.
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
LG... I guess I just don't know what to say... she's moving out. She's kicking up the R with OM. It's not looking good. Have you talked with a DB counselor from the board?
Edited to add... there have been people here who did Retrouvaille... not sure they're still around. But don't both spouses have to go? Why would she do that?
That is a fabulous article-- hairdog, you may find something of value there. I have said this many times on this board: "Long before any decision is made to 'fool around' or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship." In order for an outside party to connect with one of the married partners, the married partner has to have a "channel" open to the outside.
Make the changes that you need to make in your life for you don't parade them around don't talk about them just do them, she knows you better than anyone she will notice. Divorce busting is about doing things differently so if you have always been affectionate just stop. What ever you do make sure that you do it with self respect.
"If she wants space then she should feel like an astronaut."
LG.... The Retrouvaille Weekend, in my mind, is too intense a thing right now. I would let it go. There will be other opportunites in the future. Give her space now, and focus on you.
