I think this is where I belong

[LoginName]

Hey JBF,
Today's post seems to mainly deal with your D. That's a good place for your focus to be. I'll have to read up on 'replay'. Is that a d thing or a MLCer thing?

I wish I could tell you one thing you could do that would make your d feel safe and the nightmares stop. Could you ask your C if she has any suggestions for your d?

The only advice I can think of is never talk bad about W in front of d, don't share your problems with her, give her all the love she needs.

So are you doing OK then? Have you read DR? I think that talks about the Last resort LRT, which I think is what you are doing, and you're doing it well. It's really going dark, really cutting contact. Not being mean or vindictive, but not rushing to help when the W has a problem or when she wants a cup of coffee. Is that your plan? Given your sitch, I think it might be a good one.

I'm not going to champion this next idea, and I'm not following this advice myself, but, my friend just went through a nasty breakup with his girlfriend of 4 years. She wanted to stay 'friends' and she left the boundaries fuzzy. He couldn't live with that. He set firm boundaries, and just a couple of days ago told her that if she wanted to break up, than it was over. There is no half way or maybe in the future.

He feels much better. He can sleep again. He is enjoying his life a bit again.

I'm glad for him. I think maybe some people have to act this way for there piece of mind. I'm sad that he's given up in a way. At least he agrees that if she knocks, he'll at least open the door a bit (figuratively speaking). He is divorced and hasn't had a relationship last more than 4 years, so maybe no one should follow his example or his advice. He is also one of the best, most compassionate, thoughtful, intellegent people I know. I think the moral of the story is that no matter how similar our sitches are, they are also different, and we are different. We have to draw and defend our own boundaries.

JBF, if you do close some doors and draw some hard boundaries, I hope it gives you peace of mind and happiness. She might be hurting and feel guilty. But you should try not to really care. Detach. Don't let her mood or your perception of her mood influence you. TL and GH told me (repeatedly!) not to try to figure W out. You can't. It only hurts to try. Don't do it. Concentrate on you and what you can control.

If you want to not have contact with her, do it because you want to, not to punish her. It won't work anyway.

My limited experience is that it is good advice to GAL, PMA, Detach, Let go, focus on what you can control, let go of what you can't, don't center your life on them and what they may or may not be thinking or feeling. Then, if they do come to you and tell you how they feel and what they are thinking, you'll be able to hear it.

I hope you had a good day, that you're feeling strong, and that your d is well. I feel us getting stronger by the day. Check out Divorce Recovery (DR, is that the right title?) and the Last last resort technic (if that's the right name of the technic). It may be for you.

You know, mabye we should talk about something other than our stiches one of these days. How do you feel about politics and religion? (might as well jump into the deep end. Or is football/soccer the really important topic?)