Suddenly, a small ray of hope

[built4speed]

Well, in theory we will try to cement the majority of the D deal Friday. Have a meeting with the financial guy tonight: might be a waste of $900. I'm not sure I'll learn anything I don't already know.

We were hoping to have a final deal ourselves to just take to the attys and tell them to write up. But with the constraints (demands) that W has put on the terms I can't make the math work. I think we might try to sit down tonight and try again after we get the data from the finance guy. Even though we are splitting kid time 50-50, she is still insistent on me giving her the state manadated CS. I don't have a problem with giving her enough to cover her portion of the kid expenses (me essentially paying 100% of the expenses) but that is not good enough for her. And she constantly threatens to just drop the collaborative arrangement and file normally. So it is not fun.

Other than that, I'm surviving. Sad for the loss of my big dreams, scared for the inevitable scars this will put on my kids' souls, excited to see what is around the next bend, and knowing I'll find love again at some point. As I talk to people about the D, sometimes they say things like, "Yeah, your W always seemed a bit off to me." I'm wondering what I was looking at at the time that I didn't see it (or realize she was trouble - back then she always said her family sucked: I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I thought she was okay and we could ignore them. Unfortunately, that baggage came with her anyway. That is what I didn't realize: I gave her the benefit of the doubt, figuring that she was better than them, and shouldn't have). I am working weekly with my C on it. And my Divorce Recovery group leader at church said he thought I had come such a long way in just a few months, so apparently there is hope.

I have a really good support system. Lots of friends to commiserate with (some of whom are even going through the same thing), family who is very supportive, and a sense of self-worth that doesn't let me beat myself up too badly. I still have lots to do, but am getting there.

I know there is some major heartache coming as I move out of the house, but as I learn more about myself, I realize I need to feel that pain and embrace it. It will be a very new experience for me. I am ready.