Hi Snodderly, Hard to believe how fast the weekend has gone by. Spent yesterday shopping with d11 and then when we came home s14 wanted to go get some things. It was nice to be able to shop with them (thank you uncle sam and tax refund). They really needed it!! Talked to H briefly before d11 and I went out in the morning. He still has the anger in his tone and I just gave him the fact about our weekend plans. He had to work last night and that was fine with me. S14 had age group swim championships today so d11 and I went with him bright and early this morning. He did excellent. I thought that H might show up but he didn't. Too bad. S14 got his first individual gold medal in 9 years!! It was so sad his father was not there to see it. Even though he is angry at h, i feel that he should have been there to watch his son.
When we left the pool H called my cell. I let d11 answer it. He asked her to call when we got home which she did. She made plans with a friend and he said maybe he would stop by later I am not sure if he will because my father is here and h wants to avoid him...keeps telling d11 that he doesn't want to see my dad because he doesn't want to get in a fight with him. Anyway, d11 told me she told H that she didn't want to spend the night with him tomorrow. UGH... I am sure I will hear about this from H. I have done nothing but encourage her to spend monday nights with H but I will get the rap for this.
No calls in the middle of the night the past 2 nights from my anonymous source. I am trying to let go and put him out of my mind, but this whole credit card thing is getting so blown up. I wonder if he will ever take accountability for what he has done or if this is how it will be forever. The anger and the blame blocking the exit to the MLC tunnel.
Anyway, tomorrow H and I have an appt. with C. C told me friday he is going to sit and talk to each of us seperately to see what our goals are. C suggested mine be stronger boundaries but I am not sure. This has to be about s14 and I have to think about it for a while. It will be the first time I have seen H since last monday (unless he does stop by later).
Oh, and d11 and I shopped for his birthday. She picked out a shirt for him and I got him a gift card. Nothing big just a token. She kept suggesting I get him something more personal, like cologne, but I told her, and maybe I shouldn't have, that perhaps MOW should be the one to get him something like that. She got a funny look on her face (which made me think MOW isn't around anymore) and said, mom your his wife you should. Out of the mouth of babes.
Not sure how much longer this anger phase will last. Bills are pooring in and he hasn't given me $$ in a while. He said a few weeks ago that new job isn't working out and I am scared that he really doesn't have any money. I just wonder how he will handle this if and when I filed for support through the court.
Thanks again for checking on me. I will post again if anything interesting happens. I am trying not to analize everything, but I really am so dumbfounded as to what is going to happen with this situation. I wish it was like I book and I could read the last chapter.
Mopsey, I think your "C" is on the right track, i.e., meeting w/each of you separately for now.
As for the bills, he may be using the excuse that the job isn't working out so that you don't expect him to help w/the bills. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him in this respect. He is still an adult and he still has responsibilities. It may come down to you filing for support at some point. Do not feel badly about that. You need assistance with your family and he is after all their father.
Oh, the man will use any excuse not to come into the house. Now, it's your father. He knows that he's done you and the family wrong and he knows that your father will call him on it. Don't worry about it too much. Tomorrow, he will find another excuse not to be around you.
As for the anger, it will die down eventually, especially if you don't react to his behavior.
Mopsey, please congratulate your son on his gold medal. This is great. I'm only sorry that his father wasn't there to share in the activities.
Hang in there. I am hoping that your situation settles down very soon.
No word or sign of H last night. Kids and I went to bed early as we were exhausted. The kids woke up to no school today due to snow and I sent H a text since d11 didn't want to call and wake him.
Heard from him just a little while ago. Called to see if d11 had swim tonight (her reason for not wanting to stay with H tonight was that she wanted to go to swim). She doesn't have swim but told me this morning she didn't want to stay with H tonight. I tried to encourage her to stay but finally told her it's between her and H.
H called me a 2nd time asking if d11 had softball tonight and she does. He sounds so cold and miserable towards me. Very short and not alot of conversation. He is so bitter about his credit I don't know if he will ever come around and work this through.
H also asked if d11 found her cell phone. I told him no but s14 and I spent hours looking for it. He then told me I should check s14s room as maybe he is hiding her phone in there. Yeah right. S14 is way too mature for that and he has looked harder for her phone than she has. UGH.
Journaling: Yesterday the kids were home from school all day. Each time they called I asked if H was there yet. No. Finally, d11 asked to go to a friends and off she went. At 4 H called said he was in the driveway where is d11. I told her she was down the street at friends house. He asked that I call to have her come home. He wanted to spend time with her. He was upset she didn't want to spend the night with him and I tried to tell him that I encouraged her to but she is too stubborn. He of course did not believe me. I called d11 to go home and next thing I know she calls and says that H pulled away angry with her and she doesn't know why. She said he has been in such a bad mood lately and she didn't do anything. Now, he had all day to be at the house with the kids and doesn't show up until 4. Then gets mad. UGH
Well fast forward to c appt. When I arrived H looked like he##. He had his sad sack face on and was miserable. He handed me a check for his portion of car ins and home owners and I thanked him. No reply. He went in first with c on his own. I went in on my own a few minutes later. C wanted to know what we wanted out of C. H must of said that he wants his side of the story presented to the kids (which it has been and since s14 is still angry ....he doesn't think his side has been told). I told C that I wanted the blame and anger to stop as that is just pouring salt in the wounds.
When we got together the 3 of us, all hell broke out. C asked H if he still wanted D and H said yes. He asked H if he was still with MOW and H said yes. He then stated that since this has been going on since april that we need a custody agreement. He asked why we didn't have one already and H rewrote history and said that I wouldn't agree to his terms. Now he is wanting d11 monday nights and then one sunday/monday a month. I said that was the first I heard of this and didn't think that would be a problem. However, I don't think H realizes that this would stop him coming and going as he pleases when I am not home and he comes by to see d11.
I told C that I didn't want d11 around his new R right now because she has lost her family, best friend and I don't want her to become attached to this woman and if this R doesn't last...lose her too. I said that she and s14 were both in the guidance office at school dealing with issues from this situation on Friday and they have alot on their plates. H went nuts. Why didn't I tell him about guidance on Friday. I tried to explain that he never came by on saturday, was supposed to come by on sunday to see d11 and didn't and I didn't want to discuss this on the phone. He then lost his temper. Started yelling that he didn't come by on sunday because my father was there and he didn't want us ganging up on him. H said we are already ganging up on him and poisoning the kids against him (not true). He then said "your father is staying at my house and I pay the mortgage. I can't even come into my house." I then said ...you walked out of the house. That was your choice. I told him he could come when my father was there he wasn't going to do anything or say anything to him. He started swearing up and down.
Finally, once control had been regained by C, c said that we need to come together and "create our own story together for the kids" and we need to work through our open wounds together for the kids. He asked if we wanted to do this and H said "of course C, that's why I am here." I, however, asked for some time to think. After sitting in the office getting spewed on with anger and blame, I don't know if us sitting down together will work right now without H taking accountability for his actions. He just wants to blame and blame so that he looks justified and noone is mad at him.
So, I am not sure where I am today. I know I am angry. I feel like h is trying to say I poison the kids against him and nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that he still wants D is upsetting (especially with the week we had before the CC fiasco). I feel like I want to tell C that I can't go into C with h until H has C himself. He needs to own his end of this and deal with it. Not try to justify it. I think that only anger will result from us sitting down right now.
I feel like I have the craziest MLCer ever. He is so irrational and full of blame towards everyone (even s14 who he blames for taking d11 cell phone). I just feel like I need to move forward right now and really let him twist in the wind and going into c with him may only hurt at this juncture not help.
H just called. Said he spoke to cc company and this is an account from 1990. Then he says ....you betrayed me back then and opened an account in my name without me knowing. I could scream. I can't believe he has no recollection of this account and now I am blamed. I tried not to get into it with H. He was lashing out and was out of control. This account is old, but it was opened by H. I just have not been able to pay the bills since he has left.
Anyway, he was a mess. Crying, screaming....you name it. I tried to explain to H but he wanted to hear nothing. I told him that he can't use this for justification for what he is doing. All he wants to do is find ways to show that he is right for leaving.
All I can say is this situation is out of control. His way of thinking is so distorted it is not funny. It is sad. I do not know how my h will ever come through this. If any one out there has gone through anything this BAD please let me know.
Mopsey, I am truly sorry for what he's doing and saying. He's just plain nuts right now which means very irrational.
I thought he might think you and your father would gang up on him. My xh felt the same way too. It's guilt and nothing more.
As for the cc, you've tried to explain the situatiion to him, so now let it drop. Is this card in his name only? You've done all you can do to get him to help you with this cc.
As for the C, it might be best if he saw the C by himself for a while. It's too soon to even think about coming up w/a valid story for your children. Your h is harboring far to much anger right now and wants to blame everything on you and the universe.
Unfortunately, your h is going to realize that his children have lives and aren't going to be sitting on the curb waiting for him all day. That's okay, he needs to be reminded of this. Step back and allow the children to deal w/him on this one.
Mopsey, I know that this is very hard on you, but it's come to the time when you really need to stop explaining things to him. Even w/his anger, he will need to learn to connect the dots. If he wants to see his children, it is up to him to schedule the time and be there on time. Yes, you've been very accommodating on this front, but it's now time for him to act like a mature adult (I pray and hope for this).
Hang in there. He's got to swing a bit more in the trees.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The card is in his name only. It was taken out in the late 80's (by him)at the bank I used to work at. This was a time when we were first married and H spent all of his time partying with his friends. It was very stressful. This is his card though. He signed for it. Unfortunately the bank doesn't have the application anymore since the card has been sold so many times. H just won't take any accountability.
I have a session with my IC tomorrow. I think you are right. Although s14's c thinks we need to really move ahead with closure on our situation, I feel like H anger is just going to keep cropping up. I think after my appt. tomorrow I will call s14's c and suggest that he meet alone with H while he is in this anger/blame mode. It is not good for me or the kids if I am constantly a target.
Snodderly, he sounds so down. Said tomorrow is his b-day and he will be spending it alone. He said he doesn't want the gift we bought him. Says I don't understand the pain he is in. Is he close to rock bottom or is he just playing with my head He told C yesterday that he is still planning to go ahead with D and that he is still with MOW. Do I believe this or not?
I have to detach and put him to the side but this hurts so much.
Mopsey, He's depressed and nothing is turning out the way he thought it would. Glamour, fame, happy go lucky lifestyle, etc.--none of it has happened.
Well, he's just going to have to deal w/that credit card himself. I know that you are trying to help him w/it, but if it's in his name, he's going to have to cough up some dough to help w/the payment. He's not really forgotten about goingto the bank to sign for this card, he's pulling your chain about it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's thinking that if he screams enough about you signing his name on the dotted line, that you'll throw up your hands and say "forget it, I'll pay the bill myself". Mine did that a few times until I caught on to what he was doing. If he doesn't pay the bill, it's on him and his credit will be ruined, not yours. Do what you can, but don't expect him to follow through on this unless you have something legal in place.
Unfortunately, no he's not ready to hit bottom. He's really just taking off good. He's depressed and he knows he's going to be another year older, etc. He's having a pity party and wants you to feel bad for him too. Don't. He's got to go through this crisis and learn to face those issues and grow up. Go ahead and give him the gifts, for he will open them and look at them another day.
What he told the C is what his reality is right now about the D and the ow. Next month, he could feel differently. I'm sorry to say.
Mopsey, you've got to step outside the boxing ring and allow him to spar w/himself. You've done all you can. Now, you must take care of your children and yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry for your difficult time right now. I just wanted to say hi and offer up support. You have the best advice you can get here, from snodderly. The one thing to remember is that this does take a while. I didn't want to believe that at first, either, but it was true. Keep gaining strength and put yourself first now. He's made his bed. He's not happy laying in it. But that is not your fault. Many hugs. Hang in there.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks Hope and Snodderly, Today is H's b-day. None of us will see him as s14 (doesn't want to)has swim pracitce and d11 will be at dance today after school and H works nights. I feel really bad.
D11 said that H did not come by after school yesterday to see her. I had her call H before bed and she said that he sounded mad. He said he called her after school but she was napping and didn't hear the phone (truth---as when I came home from work she was still groggy from waking up). She said that H didn't believe she was napping and said that she thougth he was mad at her. I tried to tell her he wasn't but left it at that. She didn't seem to mind.
So, my family is a mess and I see so very little hope in the future as H is so full of venom and blame. I sent him a tm this morning wishing him happy birthday and he just called to see if d11 was going to dance today (something she said she told him last night). He was very short with me and I wished him happy birthday and he hung up.
My marriage as I knew it is gone and my future with H is so unsure, I just will leave H in God's hands for now as there is nothing I can do to fix this.
