For newbies... or if you need a pick me up today

[cat03]

hey guys, nice to "see" you, it's funny how seeing certain screenames brings forth a familiarity, like seeing the face of a friend. Keeping both of you in my prayers)))

I've actually FINALLY brought in my fav piecing book so I can type a great piece about forgiving and letting go that helped me a lot. H saw the book in my car and asked me "are you *still* reading those books?" jeez... I swalled, and told him it was for friends, we talked a bit more and then he just didnt' want to know any more.
Good thing I stopped holding my breath at him coming "to my rescue", I've been healing on my own since all this mess started, thank heaven for this board and you all.

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From "healing the hurt in your marriage" about forgiveness and letting go:

Forgive your spouse
Forgiveness is essentially an act of grace, a gift of love. You can't work for grace. You can't jump through the right hoops to earn it. You can't perfect your performance in order to deserve it. Grace is simply a gift.
...How did God forgive us? Did we earn it?..God expects us to forgive our spouses and others--not because they have earned enough points through good behavior, but because we choose to give it as a gift.
Forgiveness means giving your spouse a second chance, not because he or she deserves it, but because you choose to extend grace to your spouse just as God has extended grace to you.

What Forgiveness is Not
...The idea that you have to forget in order to forgive is a myth. When we forgive someone, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgetting came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come w/a violin. Begin w/basics. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive precisely because you have not fogotten what someone did; your memory keeps the pain alive long after the actual hurt has stopped. Remembering is your storage of pain. It is why you need to be healed in the first place.
...God forgives and forgets our sins, but [we] are not God. [We] dont have the power to forget as he does.
How do we resolve the pain of offenses we can't forget? You start by admitting to yourself that you dont' have to forget. We are called to remember without condemnation. The apostle Paul wrote, "So now there is not condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus". God has forgiven our sin and no longer condemns us. WE must forgive our spouses the same way even when we cannot forget the offense. As you do, you can ask God to ease your pain. This takes you off the hook of trying to make yourself forget that your spouse wounded you.
Your pain will diminish as you focus on the more positive, joyful aspects of your marriage. God can help you generate fresh memories that will push the bad memories into the background and help you renew your relationship.
It is also improtatn for you to grow in your relationship w/Jeses, seekig him for instruction and comfort in your pain.

..Forgiveness isn't about feelings. Forgiving your spouse is a choice, an act of the will. If you wait to forgive until you feel like it, you will likely never forgive. Feelings are antecedents of thoughts. Feelings can't think; they can only feel, and they cannot be trusted as the main element in deciding to forgive. Forgiveness is the right thing to do, whether you are emotionally moved to do so or not. If you wait for a feeling, you are giving more opportunitity for resentment and bitterness to fester in your heart.

...Forgiveness in not an exercise in trying to make an offense disappear. On the contrary, granting forgiveness requires us to confront the reality that something painful *did* happen... true forgiveness acknowledges what really happened and how badly it hurt; then it chooses to let go of the offense. Forgiveness says, "I know what you did, and it really hurt. But I choose to forgive you anyway.
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Well, I could go on and on typing, but I'd be too much, this part of the book though helped me heal,hope it is of some use to you all, at whatever stage of piecing you are.

Got another "eureka" moment yesterday, as my brain started screaming at me "your H was doing xyz with ow" I realized that when he did that it was at an stage of our M in which he was done being rejected by me and was seeing solace not because he hated me, but because he didn't think we had any hope together anymore. That when he came back it was very scary for him to put his trust in me again, regardless how much I'd say I'd treat him better, all he had were scars from the past to go by.

Phew! that was a mouthful, I'll shush now

[Phoenix_spark]

Good words, thanks for the insight. I hope to stay with the program.

[cat03]

thought I'd bump it up for our newbies.

Nothing much going on, things going well, still unlearing bad old behaviours, but over all there is no white elephant in the room, weeks go by without either of us (well, me) talking about the A, nothing

If it seems impossible, just sit still, don't fret, it will get better

[S4N]

Hi Cat,

Thanks for bumping this, I always love seeing your comments and have been trying to find one of your posts. Anyway, I have only read through the initial post and have yet to get through the rest of the comments... but I will this afternoon.

Glad to hear things are going well for you. There may be an ongoing need to adjust and improve our behaviors but you seem to have it down now that you can recognize the things that are not working.

[~Sol]

Cat,

I'm so glad that you are posting this. I need some of your PMA to rub off on me! lol!

I'm sure we all do. Great stuff BTW! Thanks!

[Phoenix_spark]

Good job Cat, hopefully some of your technique will rub off on me.

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Cat,

I'm glad to hear things are going well for you still. Things are better here, but still trying to adjust to some bumps in the road. I am finding it does get easier.

The other day husband confided in me a secret that actually made me feel better about things. Sometimes details are good! He mentioned joining a dating service for one month relatively early in the divorce. I thought this was good because it meant he wasn't that "in love" with OW (because if he had been he wouldn't have looked elsewhere).

I guess he thought this would make me angry... yes, I was a bit POed about the money (the divorce truly did cost a bloody fortune!!!). But I thought it was good. He didn't actually date anyone (beyond some lunch dates with various women) and didn't have S with anyone. He said he learned a lot from it. I'm just kind of glad he didn't spend the whole divorce mooning over OW. Is that strange that I feel this way?

[cat03]

Is that strange that I feel this way?
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nah, I'd feel that way too. You are not still thinking of ow constantly right? ... Thats what I thought

glad to see friendly "faces" again I still lurk pretty often, this place has been so good to me.

I like my new brain paths

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Cat,

No, I don't think about her too much anymore. The obsessiveness is fading and I no longer have that desire for "pay back" that I used to. It's a nice relief. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel hurt or sad about the whole thing, but I'm not going to sleep with it or waking up remembering that "it happened" and I have to somehow deal with it again for the day.

Even though I think I was a great wife before all this and still did "everything right," I am looking at how I might be an even better wife. Like I'm in the middle of one book about male female communication (her need for love and his for respect), and I'm also going through "For Women Only."

I've been really trying to figure out the best ways to show and express respect. I'm great at showing love (I'm always very loving and maternal to the people -- and pets! -- in my life), but I realize it has been more difficult to express respect since this has happened. There are many things I'm thankful to my husband for, and much I admire about him, but knowing the character flaws he has/had I find it harder to express my respect. I think Infidelity can deflate respect. It's easier to love than respect someone who has done this to you. I can't respect what he has done, but respect him for what he does now. So it's not just this general blanket respect, but a "tempered" one... does that make sense?

[cat03]

Now I'd be lying if I'say I never think of the A/ow, I do it daily,but in passing and dont' dwell on it, hope you are in the same boat hon

I'm reading ( or attempt to) " Can't you read my mind?", about Rs and Ms, looks promising.

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but knowing the character flaws he has/had I find it harder to express my respect. ====
and that's when respect comes to save the day, to know that your H has his failing but you look them over and love/respect him anyways, to accept his desicions even though they are not what you *ideally* would do.

I chalk the infidelity to a temp. madness, it doesnt define my H, month after month I can glimpse at the good man my H has always been, he had his weak moments and I had my major screwups he looked over for so many years and stuck to my side.

I'll tell you what I told TL, love like you haven't been hurt.