"The two of us have had such difficult communication problems thoughtout our entire R (look where it's gotten us); each of us veiling our true feelings to the other, that anymore I just try to find a way to say what I have to say clearly and directly. Without any expectations; without trying to lay guilt; without trying to push for what "I" want. And it's really not very easy for me"
It is very interesting that you felt like a bad girl for doing just that in the conversation you described that I said wasn't DB.
Given your history with your father, perhaps you were always trying to manage him by figuring out how he wanted you to feel and feeling that way and manipulating him in various ways because of some pretty heavy enmeshment. Sound plausible?
If so, try to focus on working on that. Tell yourself this outloud, repeatedly, and sincerely: "I am a good girl. My feelings are legitimate and deserve respect. I am a good girl if I recognize my own feelings and share them honestly and directly."
Yes, you have to say it outloud sincerely. No sarcasm allowed. If it makes you cry, then you are onto something...
As for moving out or not, there is nothing wrong with tabling that question for a period of time. It certainly seems from this side that you need some time to process some things before you are ready to make a choice. Just decide that you will bring up the question to yourself again in a month or two, at which time you can table it or address it.
And yes, quit worrying about how your every move will affect SO. I bet you did this with your father...
