Warning: VERY LONG. My SITCH. Is it too late?

[Heywyre]

If that's what you guys do when you aren't reconciling can you imagine how hot it will be when/if you do? Wowser!!

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi Heywyre,

To me it feels like it is better than post A. I feel like I am experiencing the moments and enjoying them because I am there in mind and body. I truly believe if he will give our M a chance, there is no doubt we would have the best M possible. The issue is he saw the M as the best it could possibily be post A.

Journaling:

Took D to get her 6 month immunization shots with H. She was very playful prior to and recovered quick from the trauma of the shots.

We took DD back home. She fell asleep on the ride home. H and I decided to go out for lunch leaving D with MIL. That almost didn't happen because MIL needed a ride to the grocery store and D had waken up. I was not too disappointed, but H told MIL about lunch and she encouraged us to go. H agreed and said we should go and when I return, I could take MIL to grocery store with D. H was going to go help his cousin out. I appreciated him wanting to go to lunch with me and I told him.

With only 2 hours of sleep today I was exhausted after the trip to the grocery store. I was able to sneak in an hour nap with DD.

The day went ok. Now I wished I didn't make thoses calls to him. Last couple of nights, I have been calling him when I leave for work to give him tidbits of info about DD and to see what he was doing. H seemed okay with it, but tonight he didn't answer. It takes me about an hour to commute to work. Half an hour later and no return call, so I call again and leave a message about giving DD tylenol and ask him to return my call to let me know he has received it. That was over an hour ago. I just called home and DD is asleep and H is not home. That is not unusual since it is Friday night so he must be out with his friends.

What bothers me is that I can't help thinking what if he is not out with his friends but with another woman. When he left for his business trip in the beginning of the month, he left his car home and said I could use it. I did and found a jewelry store bag in his car. Can't help but think he must have purchased something there for someone. I couldn't bring myself to ask him about it. Should I? Then again, I think I wouldn't want to know. DBing would be a lot easier without knowing.
But if I do ask, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can ask without sounding like I am prying into his personal business?
There might be a logical answer such as someone else had purchased something and left the bag in his car.
Either way, I know it doesn't matter. Once I get off work tomorrow morning and see him asleep in bed when I get home I will be content.

So, even if he is seeing someone else. If he is not telling me, does that mean he is not ready to let me go. I know I may be blindly hopeful.

[4ever_Regretful]

Journaling:

Last night went to movies with H. I asked him and he agreed. It was okay and H even shared some of his memories from going to the movies with his friends.

Today was a very bad day. Mainly my own doing. Major backsliding on my part.

I got home from school and noticed H had left his lab top and personal stuff on the couch. I did't think of snooping right away but the thought came to me a while later and I didn't fight off the temptation. I found a picture of him and one of his female co-workers. They were on a ride together and held hands on what seemed like a drop during the ride.
He looked genuinely happy.
The next thing I wished I hadn't done. I called him up and asked if he wanted to tell me besides gambling and such while he was on his business trip, what else did he do. He was upset and said he didn't have to tell me. He told me he has already told me I needed to move on and what he does was not to concern me.
Since I already began I didn't stop myself and called him several more times. Each time he picked up and we talked, the conversation got worse and worse. He told me I should move out.
The last conversation ended when he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I refrain myself from calling him.
I put DD to sleep for her nap and took a nap myself to prepare for my graveyard shift. He got home before I got up. I called him and asked him if we could talk. He came in the bedroom and we talked. He made it clear we would never get back together. He said he didn't want to embarrass me by throwing me out. He said that because during our conversation over the phone I told him that was the only way he was going to have me leave.
He told me if I move out now, he will give DD to me after that because he will be able to have her for a year. If I stay then when I move out at the end of the year, I would not be able to see DD afterwards. I told him he is asking too much. I will not make such a decision and he should not be making me.
Should I just find a place and move out now? I would not be able to see DD as much as I like. I would miss her too much. I feel like he can be geniunely happy without me. He made it clear he did not want me in any part of his life, not as a friend.
H was nice to me again during dinner, but that may just be because his family was there.

I just feel so lost.

[geordie]

4-ever,

I was catching up on your sitch and feeling positive until I got to you last post...I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't really know what to say right now....but H discussing D like a possession is not helpful. Try not to focus on who the woman is....even if it isn't innocent it really doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things. Whatever you say about the woman he will feel justified in doing whatever it is he's doing because of your A. Believe me, as much as I want to save my marriage part of me wants to see what it would be like with someone else while I have the chance...I know it's a terrible thing to say in the midst of DB'ing but it's how I feel. Maybe it's anger, hurt, whatever, but it's a need to be wanted and appreciated and "loved" (validated is probably a better word than loved!) by someone who hasn't hurt you. I also don't know why dinner and movies would be OK with him if he truely doesn't want to be with you. I will have to think about this one....please keep us updated and know that you are in my thoughts every day.

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi geordie,

Thank you for checking up on me. I have been looking at your sitch and have not seen any updates and was wondering about you too.

You are right, the woman doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things. I should have asked myself before making the call to H to ask "Will this bring me closer to H?" That would have prevented all the arguments.

I feel better today.

Last night after the argument we (his family and me) had dinner as usual. H asked if I wanted to eat dinner. I answered Yes. No other exchanges for the rest of the night. I went to work right after dinner.

Got off of work at 5am. Drove to clinical site for psych rotation orientation. Got there at about 5:30am. Tried to take a nap prior to 7:30am start of orientation.

That gave me some much needed time away from H. Was reminded of him when we went around introducing ourselves to the class. Of course I didn't mention whether I was married or not. Wished I could say I was.

Got off of orientation at 12:30pm. Got home at 1pm. Called H on way home to ask him to take the kids to library and fund raiser. I had promised the kids prior to obtaining my new school schedule. H agreed. Played with DD. Went to sleep about 1:30pm. Woke up at 5pm.

Took a shower and H was back with the kids. H asked if I had enough sleep. I answered yes. Only one other exchange before we had dinner and I went to work. H told me about Mikayla's walker and how he was going to fix one of the wheels and such.

I am trying to keep our interactions short and the times we see each other less. It will give him the space he needs and allow me focus on my schoolwork.

It is his sister's bday tomorrow and the whole family will be going to dinner. I am not sure if I should attend. It may be best if I don't. Should I let H know I had requested a few hours off to join them and if he was not comfortable I attend, I would just go to work as originally scheduled.

[4ever_Regretful]

Journaling:

My backsliding was due to me getting too comfortable and forgetting to DB. I have since last night recommitted myself to DBing. Afterall, if it doesn't save my M, it will help me keep my sanity and dignity.

My plan for today was:
Call my Mom and see if she was free to go with my and DD to the mall and shop for SIL's bday gift and my friend's brial shower gift. And afterwards, to meet up with friend to have an early dinner before coming in to work tonight.

Woke up this afternoon with an extra blanket. Guess H realized I was cold. H was gone when I woke up. Got to play with DD. As I was getting the car seat setup, H came home and asked if I was taking DD to see my Mom. I said no, I was taking her out.

Before I left, MIL commented why didn't H go with me and DD. I told her no, it was okay. As I was getting DD into car seat, H came and offer to come along. DD tends to cry when she is alone in the back seat. I said okay.

On the drive there, I had to make some phone calls regarding scheduling for work and school so we did not talk.

At the mall, we talked as usual and H made some comments which got me to laugh. H smiled at times too. No I will not let it get to my head. As I see it, it would be nice even if we can not be a couple, we can be friends, so I am not seeing it as more than that. I would like to protect my heart as well.

On the drive home we talked about the kids and disciplining. During the convo, H mentioned he was not home last night, which made me wonder where he went, but I didn't ask.

After returning home, I got ready to leave for dinner with my friend. I have not been out with my friends for a long time and it felt great to do something outside the home with a friend.

Feeling a lot better and in control.

[4ever_Regretful]

Journaling:

Got home this morning and saw all H's friends cars parked on the streets. As I have guessed, they are gambling. Yes, at 6am in the morning. Pretty sure they must have began the night before at least at 10pm. But get this, they were still gambling when I left to come to work tonight at 5pm. Are they aiming to complete a 24 hours gambling record. They have been known to have complete a 36 hour run so this will be nothing.

I tried not to let it bother me and it has not. Even though, after working overnight, it would have been nice if H could have taking care of DD, so I may rest. MIL stayed with her until I got home at 6am and came in the room at 9am to find me cradling DD,sitting up in bed and took over caring for her. The thing that eats at me, is that when I woke up at noon today, the kids told me H couldn't take them to the movies as he has promised because his friends won't leave. He would take them tomorrow. I know I shouldn't have, but I said it is his fault if he can't get up and ask them to leave, not his friends fault they are there.

I went in the shower and decided to take the kids myself. My Father is a gambler, so I have experienced a lot of empty promises, practically every promise he has made to me, I was not going to let the kids be let down because gambling and friends are more important than the kids disappoint to H.

MIL was against me taking them, stating H is already doing more for them then their own parents, so if he was going to take them tomorrow, then let him take them tomorrow. I know she means well, knowing my financial situation she didn't want me to waste money. What she said about the kids (mainly BIL's two kids) are right. Their parents don't live with them, the kids live with us. When their parents come to visit, they don't take them out, not even if they were going to rent movies.
But that made me feel even worst for the kids.

I went to eat lunch with my brother and friend. Came back home and took the kids and DD to Target. Got their spirits up a bit to be out of the house. Talked to them about taking them on a trip with DD to celebrate her one year bday. I was stumped as to where and the kids came up with a great idea; San Diego. We would be able to go to Sea World. The last time we went they had a great time.

I want to start the tradition of taking DD on a trip for her bday each year. It would be great if the kids are there too. They are really great kids and should be treated with more care.

No big explosive act on my part, so I will mark this as a good day. The bright side, may be dimly lit, but it is there.

[Ophelia]

I want to start the tradition of taking DD on a trip for her bday each year. It would be great if the kids are there too. They are really great kids and should be treated with more care.

That's a really great idea! Just think, when she's all grown up, she can have an album full of photos of her on her b'day in a different place each year.

Sorry to hear that your H has been a pain in the butt recently. At least it sounds like there are still little moments of closeness though, like when you went shopping, or when he put the extra blanket over you when you were sleeping. It's great that despite everything else, you can still have friendly moments like that. Even if you ultimately end up apart, you'll still always be in each other's lives because of your D, so it'd be wonderful if you could at least stay friends.

[4ever_Regretful]

Journaling:

Sunday, Feb. 25

Went to a bridal shower with my cousin. H missed playing basketball (he is in a league) to watch DD so I could go. MIL went out with SIL. Perhaps he felt bad for gambling and such, but not sure. I got up that morning and he was already out of the house. When he returned I told him I needed to be at the bridal shower and asked if he could watch DD. He should he would. Before I left we shared in some convo and some laughs with DD. I was in a good mood prior to leaving for the shower so I kissed DD and then H right smack on the lips goodbye. H was holding DD at the time. And before he had time to react I was gone.

When I got back from the briday shower, H took the kids to the movies as he had promised. I took DD to visit my Mom. We stayed for dinner and when I returned home, H was no where to be found. Guess he was out. Don't quite recall when he got home. I was already asleep with DD.

Monday, Feb. 26

I left for my optometrist appointment when I got up and straight to school afterwards. Stayed in school until 5:30pm to complete some assignments, dropped by old apt to pick up mail, and got home in time for dinner at 6:30pm. On the way home, a friend called to ask me to go out to a bar with her. Told her I would need to go home and make sure H was going to be home to take care of DD first. When I got home, I asked H if he was going to be home between 9-11pm. He is yes, why. He must have thought I wanted to ask him out like I have been doing. I said I wanted to go out and he said he would be home. I was in a very good mood the rest of the night. H seemed to pay a lot of attention to me as I moved around the house and got ready. Didn't put on makeup or anything, but showered and dressed. DD was a little fussy before I had to leave. I tried to clam her down and so did H. He noticed it was time for me to go out and told me so. I told him DD was my priority and I could leave a little late. When I finally did go I gave him a kiss on the lips again before I left.

It was nice to be out for a bit and to know DD is being cared for. Got home about 1am. Not long after I got into bed, DD started to move about. DD sleeps in the middle of the bed between H and me. Throughout the night, when she starts to move about, giving her the pacifier or bottle usually puts her back to sleep. I tried the pacifier and it didn't work. I softly asked H for the bottle on the bedside table next to him. Obviously he was not asleep because he got it right away and handed it to me. Perhaps he was being attentive to DD or waiting for me to return. Either reason is great!

H told me his mom wanted to go to the "Spirit Lady" the following day. I said I was aware and if he takes her, I will take care of DD.

Really wished he would ML to me again, but then again not sure if I should.

Tuesday, Feb. 27

Woke up this morning and DD and H was already up and in the livingroom. H took MIL to the "Spirit Lady" while I stayed with DD at home. H came back and right after getting in the door, told me of the horrid accident involving an elderly man and a vehicle that occurred on the corner of where he dropped his mom off. I didn't say much except express my shock.

H and I played with DD until MIL called and H went back to pick her up. When H came back we went to do our taxes. H forgot to bring his property tax statement so, he dropped me off at my parent's to pick up the property tax for their house and my medical fees statement before going back home. When he came back
I was not ready to leave yet. I found him walking around the house and was surprised because I thought he would wait for me in the car. H has been afraid to be confronted by my Dad (part of the reason why he didn't visit my parents for Chinese New Year). My Dad was in the front yard and as we walked out to the driveway to the car, he said bye to my Dad. I am guessing they must have talked when H came back as well.

When we got to the accountant, H commented how this will be the last year we will be doing our taxes together. I bit my tongue to stop myself from commenting on it. There was such a long wait and since I was not able to get the paperwork for my parents' house, we decided to get our taxes done next week.

After we got home, I took MIL to the mall to purchase a purse and shoes for her trip to China. She will be leaving on March 16, 2007 to attend a wedding and to visit relatives.

When I got back, I played scrabble with the kids and H. After a couple of games I took a nap to prepare for my work shift.

All interactions today seemed good.

Yes, when I left for work, I kissed H on the lips again goodbye.

[4ever_Regretful]

Journaling:

Got to school this morning and did not leave until about 12:30pm. Got home at 1pm, kissed DD (she was asleep), and got into bed myself. Woke up at 6pm. H offerred to get me soup so it will cool down by dinner time. Asked H how his day went. H was pretty talkative and pretty much talked non stop. Asked him for a hug and got one. Ate dinner with H and MIL.
Play with DD for a bit, kissed H goodbye and left for work.

Not much to report, except I am exhausted due to my current schedule.