Hi Everyone and thanks for your comments. Sorry it's taken me so long to write back but i just never seem to get the chance at the moment. Although there have been many days recently when i desparately needed someone to talk to and i really wanted to get on here and ask for help.
Generally things are going well but i am fighting against paranoia that H is still in contact with ow. I also get the impression that H jumps at every opportunity to stay away and basically would rather have his single life with his mates than be a family man. I may be completely wrong about all of the above but that's how it seems at the moment. Almost every week he has been away for 1 or 2 nights on business trips and he always stays overnight even though some times he isn't that far away and could quite easily get there and back in a day. Also, when he is at home, if any of his friends ask if he wants to go out he always goes and he always drinks. There is no such thing as going out and not drinking!!! so when he is home he is constantly tired and usually falls asleep on the sofa or goes up to bed early. He just seems so unhealthy and tired all the time. I blame alcohol but if i say anything to him he says that he hasn't drunk much and that he's got a cold - this must be the longest cold in history!!! It does annoy me because i never complain about being tired and yet i have half as much sleep with a toddler and baby to look after. I feel as if i'm a single mum because i seem to be here on my own all the time (even when he is here)! I've probably said this before but even though the house is full i have never felt so lonely.
I am finding the lack of affection very hard to deal with and i am also having trouble trusting him. This is such a shame because before our separation i always tusted him 100%. He has asked if i would mind if he goes on a golfing holiday with his work mates to Portugal for 5 days. I really don't want him to go but i didn't tell him that. I said that i didn't mind but i would feel very envious as i would love a holiday. He said that he would like to go on a family holiday aswell (H,me and the children). I jokingly said "we could all go to Portugal together" his response was a joking "yeah". I know that having me tag along would be the last thing that he would want. To be honest i don't really want to go abroad this year as i think it might be tricky with the children. But i don't want him to go either. I would just love it if we just went somewhere in this country for a week and then go abroad next year when our boys are a little bit older. Firstly, i'm worried that he might be going away with ow and not work mates. Or if he is going with work mates, what will he get up to? You know what it's like - sun, sea, sand, sex etc!! I don't know what to say to him, should i just keep quiet and let him go?
The other thing which is bothering me is that he doesn't seem to spend any time with our new baby. The only time he holds him is if i'm busy. He will do anything if i ask, but quite often it's like he forgets he's even there. H also says that he finds the crying really winds him up - luckily, he is a very good baby and rarely cries.
i could go on forever at the moment, so i think i had better leave it there for now.
