My girlfriend of 12 years (8 living together) was involved in an EA with a co-worker. I caught them together Jan. 12th at her work, and the last 6 weeks since then have been a living hell. We have been together since we were 17 years old, and I can't imagine life without her. I'll try to summarize the situation to the best of my ability. She didn't come home and wouldn't answer her cell phone the Friday night I caught them. She got out of work at 6 pm, we live about a 40 minute drive from her work, and at 7 pm I began to worry that maybe she had been involved in a car accident (although I had recently become suspicious of her having an affair, I thought mainly because a friend of our's and his wife just ended their marriage due to one, but in hindsight I think I had noticed a change in her that I couldn't explain). At 8 pm I caught them standing very close to each other between their cars, so I jumped out of my car and asked them if they had been having sex. She said no, that she had just kissed him that night, shortly before I arrived. After both of us dealt with the initial shock, we asked our MC if she could see us that Sunday, which at that point was only about 36 hours after she was caught. We had initially been seeing the MC to help us with our intimacy, which was always initiated by me. I had no idea at the time that I wasn't fulfilling her EN. She wanted to see if the MC could help her figure out if she should break off the relationship, or if she should wait to decide when she is not as confused by all that was happening. We left there with the understanding that she wanted to take time to make her decision, and she was going to tell the OM that their relationship at this point could only be a professional one. A week went by, and we came to the agreement that she should move in with her parent's to give her the space she needed to clear her head. I didn't do well during this time. I called her, stopped by to see her, both at work and at her parent's, etc. It wasn't until I got Divorce Remedy that I started to get a handle on things. Two weeks after she went to stay with her parent's, she came over to talk with me, and I showed her the section on infidelity. She asked if she could borrow the book when she was about to leave, and I was ecstatic! We agreed not to talk for 48 hours, so when she called me 2 days later, we agreed to talk the following night. She came by to tell me that she wanted to make the relationship work, and that she was committed to doing so. She spent 2 more days at her parent's house, and asked if she could call the OM one more time for closure. I agreed that I thought that was a good idea. She moved back in on that following Friday night. About 10 days later I could tell that she seemed distant, even more so than before she decided to come home. She told me that night that she still wasn't sure what she wanted. It's been 2 weeks since then, I've been much less smothering/pressuring, and we've spent some quality time together on nights and weekends. Last night we talked, and I asked her if she thought she could get over him even though she sees him at work everyday. She told me she thinks she can. I also asked her if she thought that we could get through the affair, depending on her decision to stay or not, of course. She said she thought we could, but she still thinks about the way he made her feel, and she's curious about a relationship with him. I want to hold on and wait for her to get through this withdrawal/depression from him, but everyday gets harder. I know she has severed contact with him, minus the work related talk. I just can't seem to hang on right now, and I need any advice anyone can give me to determine what to do in this situation. She's hanging onto something, and I've given her multiple opportunities to repeat back to me "it's over", just so I can start my healing process, but she always says she hasn't made that decision. How do I hang on. I've GAL (started going to the gym, dropped about 15-18 lbs), started communicating with her in a way I never thought I could (talking about her feelings for the OM), but it's not getting easier. I need advice to stay strong...
Me too, no ring is a tough one. I think there is more of a problem than the A.
But really, read the book and focus. Let me tell you there are other people here that are having the same problem. but it is much worse. You need to read others sitch's and start by picking up on little things that you might be doing, or not doing. When it's over it's over. But you can not force it to be over. All you can do is like Utterly said, pick up on why it happened and figure out how you can change.
Thats how I started out. I read everyones that I could and got much more advice that way. Your story if told would be much more than this. And what you will find is similar things will happen to others, and you will learn to deal with them.
Sorry your here, but listen and read.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
I wasn't meeting her EN. She felt like she couldn't communicate with me for fear of me being judgemental/hurtful toward her. The OM is also coming out of a long term relationship, and was well aware of my presence. In fact, some of their conversation was about her feeling like she was stuck in a rut with me. I had a few conversations with this guy before I knew the relationship had gone beyond "buddies". Part of me wants to tell her "I love you, and I'll be here for you if you need me, but we need to end the relationship." I don't want to give up, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me, or loves someone else.
As far as the ring, we had discussed before that our relationship was stromg enough without being married. I now see it wasn't, although I've never wanted to marry her more in my life.
I don't know if this makes any difference, but she says she thinks she may want to live on her own and learn how to depend on herself. She feels like she has no identity, no friend's of her own. The MC and I both told her that she can have both her freedom/independence, and our relationship. I just want to tell her how much I love her, and how much I want to marry her now that I see the errors I made in our relationship. Is it too late?
Well, now is the time to make changes. this won't be short and sweet but long and hard. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster, times you will want to give up, and times you want to push her in a direction. You can not do any of these. Be the friend she fell in love with,and let her decide to come back when she is ready. Bad part is sometomes Affairs can last six months and thats tough, but be strong and stay positive. Don't act on your emotions, let them be a part of you and not tell her these things. She knows you want to be with her, and you love her. But she doesn't need to hear them. Stay focused and read that book untill you have got it down pat.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Thank you. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive, and I'm trying to show her that we can communicate in a different way than she is used to with me. I'm just afraid that she won't be able to get over him seeing him everyday.
HAve you read my thread, in piecing back. Started long journey. Read it so I can relate to that.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Women also want passion, which is what my W wants and gets from OM. I can not show her that because we are not intimate yet. EN are more than listening, if she will tell you what her needs are then great. If not use this OM to your advantage and find them there.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
I know this is a dumb question, but what if I asked her to marry me at this point? Would she pack up and leave? I know she's probably not in the state of mind to deal with that right now, so I know the answer to my own question...
- but I am seriously asking...what's held you back from marriage?