I am finding that my hurt from the past is haunting me. I am not able to feel good about moving to Alaska, yet. But maybe it's not the past that I am holding onto. Maybe it is the ongoing nature of my H's absence and the damage it does to me, my ego, and most important, our daughters. D17 was in a show last weekend, which I directed, btw. It went very well and she was genuinely great. Lots of wonderful feedback for her. H could not make it, as he has very little vacation days left and needs them for her HS graduation... I just feel really down today. I don't like him much or recognize him, or I am just feeling very emotional. When I look at homes on the internet, I think of neighborhoods and kids for d9 to play with. H sent me an email of a house with lots of land, and an airstrip....he has gone totally native on me. BTW, we don't have an airplane.... And the job that was dangled in front of me which is why I was even considering going up there, seems to be petering out. Cannot tell if I got jerked around on purpose or what. Probably not, but it still sucks. Where I am now, geographically, is stimulating to me in the creative sense. It's also beautiful scenery with near perfect weather year round. I always wanted to live here and told H that, on our 2nd date...
How can I be in this position? I feel that I either move there, or divorce. H seems unable to move back and I mean that. He is frustrated there b/c he does miss us. And he knows we are having financial problems he chose to ignore b/c when he is a partner, the streets will be made of gold...meaning, as usual, he is saying that IN the FUTURE, we'll have enough.... Today I feel my whole M has been decades of denial and delayed gratification because H never felt that we could "be" wherever we were. Had to go back to school, had to do internship, had to get the right residency, had to get thru it, had to pass the boards, blah blah blah. Now he has to make partner there. Did I mention he WAS already a partner where we lived?
Is he mentally ill or am I? wth? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
