No updates to provide Tiffany. My ex has not mentioned anything since the days following her last visit and neither have I. She is planning another trip to see our son this weekend so we shall see how that goes.
The ex spent the weekend visiting. There was absolutely zero discussion about us. She never made any comments about anything she may be doing in regards to therapy, boyfriend etc...
She had several activities planned with our son and invited me to each of them. I participated in most but skipped a couple to get back into the proper mindset. Things can get a little too normal feeling for me which makes ME want to talk about the R so I would pull back and regroup.
So another weekend passed with no changes to report.
My ex called a few days ago to share with me her plans for our son's spring break. She wanted my opinion hoping that our son would enjoy the activities she was thinking of. It was a very pleasant conversation with a few laughs until she accidently mentioned the OM.
I didn't react to it in a negative manner but took the opportunity to explore what was going on. The last conversation we had about us occurred a few days after her Jan visit when she claimed to have requested space from OM, was reading self help material on happiness, and was going to seek therapy. During her Feb visit, there was never any discussion at all.
I started out by saying...I know you are confused and I want to be supportive. That was the last thing I got to say for awhile. She became very defensive....said she meant all of those things she said in Jan but she is no longer confused. She said moving to where I am was appealing so she could be closer to our son but she wasn't interested in starting something with me. After thinking about it, she has come to the conclusion she likes where she is and plans to move forward with her life. ( translation...stay with OM) She brought up how none of this was any of my business. I reminded her that I care and worry about her and will continue to be supportive. She said you don't need to worry about me.
If it had stopped there, then maybe we could close the door on this ordeal but she had more to say that puts me in the confused ranks with her. She said that she was better off where she was, that I didn't fight against our divorce. I asked exactly what it was I could have done....hired an attorney to fight the settlement? I asked her what was it she was hoping I would do. She responded I don't know. She continued by saying that during her Feb visit when as a family we went out, that while I was pumping gas, she lowered the visor to use the mirror when a piece of paper fell out.
She said she shouldn't have looked but did and realized it was a printout of email exchanges between me and a female with a comment from about wild pictures and directions to her home. She noted the date of the emails were after the Jan visit. She also made an assumption that this was an online dating encounter and commented how she was totally against that. She believed that people should meet the old fashioned way. In her mind, she could not respect me for participating and viewed those activities as a deal breaker. She said for me to go out on a date after those discussions indicated to her I wasn't serious about anything I told her.
Now lets put this in perspective. She was aware that I was on an internet dating service several months ago. I removed myself from that service after the Jan talk. The email she saw was not related to dating but directions to a superbowl party. The "wild pictures" comment was in response to one of those weird photo jokes that the same person sent me. I figured it futile to defend myself at that point.
So the question is. Was she ever going to inform me she had decided to keep seeing OM? Did she throw the email at me as part of a defensive posture because she accidently revealed that she was still with OM. Maybe she was bothered by the email? Maybe she is still confused about what she wants out of life....me or him? One thing is certain though. She confused me.
Jet! Good to hear from you and that you are doing well from the sounds of it.
Not sure what they wife means by it. Has she asked you anymore questions about the gal?
I have been seeing someone for about 8 months or so but think I am going to end it soon. I eventually told my X about a month or so ago. Everytime that we meet (which is actually be three times in the past four weeks) she has tons of questions about her. Explain that one? Why does she want to know so badly?
I have been completely open and honest with her, even telling her the problems I have with this gal. Deep inside, I believe I am probably trying to show her more change. That I do know what I want out of a R and that I really am a changed person. The last time we met, she even told me that "I deserve better" than I am getting from this gal?????? Who is this woman!???
I would be honest with her. If she wants to listen, great. If she wants to think that you are lying....fine. What are you going to do other than give yourself a clean mind!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
No more questions have been asked. I have spoken with her twice concerning our son since that conversation. Each time she was very short and snippy. One thing I find interesting is she left me but I'm the one who is always nice and supportive. These bouts of being ugly seem to surface on her behalf every couple of months.
There is no doubt she still has resentment and bitterness towards me about something. She has never elaborated what those hurts truly are but anytime she catches wind of me doing something "new" or different from the days of our marriage....it has an impact on her. Usually she will intesify her focus on the OM. A couple of months will pass and she starts floating towards me again. It almost seems as if she purposely finds a means to resist her feelings towards me. It is developing into a troubling pattern.
End the pattern. No more, "door is open to reconciliation", type conversations. No more inquiring about her life or letting her be privy to yours. The decision to try again will have to come from her and will have to be something concrete, rather than her current b.s. Jet, if she only wanted to try again when the relationship with OM finally and conclusively implodes, will you jump at the chance? I'd make sure you have your life almost exactly where you want it. That way, you can make a rational decision regarding her place in your life and whether she has anything to offer besides, "could have or should have beens"
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I didn't speak very much with my ex after the "spring break" conversation. There were a couple of times she called to fuss at me about some silly things and I finally had to put that to rest. This is how it unfolded:
Me: I would appreciate you not talking to me like that.
She: I'm not yelling and you know this is just the way I talk.
Me: Maybe, but not to me anymore. Do you want some time to collect your thoughts and try again later?
She: Yes.......click
The call back went a lot differently. So this was the first time I put my foot down in a firm but nice way. Things starting changing after that. A close friend suggested that my passive, don't care attitude when dealing with my ex was counter-productive. Although I was trying to stay out of her business and just move forward with my life, she may have been interpreting my actions/behaviors as if I didn't have an interest in reconciling. I was giving this demeanor of if you come back fine, if you don't fine.
The potential issue is this really was similar to my ex's perception of me during our marriage.....one of which I didn't care or love her. I conteplated my friend's comments and their theory that my ex was truly looking for me to take a stand and fight for her return.
I ultimately decided that was the approach I was going to take and did so in a phone call a few days after Mother's Day. I won't detail it here but I made it very clear that I was no longer going to be aloof in fear of my own emotions or attempt to conceal my thoughts about her.
The following day, she sent me an email thanking me for the talk and that she appreciated having me in her life. She also thanked me for working so hard to become the man she had always wanted to be with.
She came to visit Memorial Day weekend. I opened my home back up to her again after not offering the previous trip requiring her to stay in a hotel. She invited me to participate in all of her outings with our son and we had lots of fun. The ex and I also got some alone time after our son went to bed each night. We talked about anything that popped into our heads....but no talk about us. It was like a date in some ways.
When it came time to leave on Monday, I walked her to the car as I have done the previous two visits to my home, fully expecting the customary hug and thank you that she had provided in the past. Like clockwork, the hug began with her saying all of the cliche things about having fun and thanks etc. This time as she pulled away from the hug, she leaned in and gave me a peck on the lips. It caught me by surprise so much that it was over before I even realized what was happening.
She called a couple of times during her road trip back home to provide progress reports. She called the following morning to let me know she REALLY enjoyed the weekend.
I am now in that middle ground. Too much of something could backfire while at the same time, not enough could remind her too much of the old me. I have to somehow take a page from "Baby Bear" and find the approach that is "just right".
Sounds like you did what worked. She must have enjoyed the time with you. You just have to build on what you already have without getting too impatient.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
