Same ol', same ol'

[LoginName]

I have no intention of trusting her again any time soon.

How can we ever? My case is a little different, since I had an A too (and no matter how I justify to myself that mine was different somehow because I broke it off, and didn't leave the family, like my W did, I still broke a sacred trust). I know I am trustworthy now. I know there is no way I could do that again. I can see myself divorcing, but never breaking those vows again. So if I can trust me, why can't I trust her? Because I want the M to work, and I love her, and she doesn't know what she wants yet. Becuase I can't read her mind or really know her heart (I used to think I did). Because no matter how many times she says she could never leave the kids (and she rationalizes that she didn't REALLY leave them anyway), she has once so I know she could again.

So I can't trust her, and you can't trust yours. But we can't live always wondering and especially we can't live always checking (snooping). You told me that TL. I live as if I trust my W, even though I don't. I act as is I trust her. I protect myself emotionally from possible future hurt, but act as if anyway. Maybe that will keep us from ever being as close as we were, maybe it will be a healthier way to look at things, more realistic and mature. I don't know, but as long as I choose to stay with W, I don't think I have a choice but to act as if I trust her.

Also, how hypocritical would it be for me to expect her to trust me and me not trust her.

Since, as you also told me TL, we all have probably broken our vows (in spirit if not in fact (like Jimmy Carter? :))especially cherishing), maybe we all are a little hypocritical?

Regardless, you and your W are together, you have your faith in God, and there is time. I find it very hard to practice in my own life, but I truly believe that patience and time can bring amazing results, and there is good reason to believe that your M/R can have passion, deep feelings, trust, and all the rest in the future.

Your dealing with a big issue that I can really relate to, so I'm really hoping that you find the answer and show the way. Maybe I'll figure it out. If I do, I'll let you know.