Same ol', same ol'

[toughlover]

Hey, thanks y'all...I've missed y'all too and still lurk occasionally but haven't really been posting cause there's nothing much new to report, as I mentioned.

I've also felt like I don't have anything new to add to anyone else's stuff that hasn't already been said.

cat, root, mama, bi43, Aud...I can't tell you how much I miss the gentle insight and encouragement you ladies have so generously shared with me in the past. Meant a lot and still means a lot, and I think of you often.

Sven, you are so right about what you said. Wish I did a better job of it all.

Kirb...dude, you will be blessed from hanging in there no matter what happens as long as you keep your wits about you.

Yes the kids are good. The little one definitely has oral herpes (cold sores) and it was most likely passed to him by my wife or I as a result of her infidelity.

In light of all that, it's hard to get excited (in every sense of the word) about my M. I have great joy, comfort, and peace in knowing that, as much as it is in my power to control, we are all under one roof, my W appears to be committed to our M and family in perhaps a way she never was before. So I'm thankful for that as well, for the kids' sake.

I guess I'm not so much dreading a passionless marriage as I am dreading looking at my W every day and primarily feeling nothing but disappointment. My W seems to have this habit of destructive, ridiculous behavior that she repeats until she marginalizes herself to such an extreme that the situation just sort of spins out of control and she is left with a mess and at the mercy of those around her. She had done this sort of thing before we were married but I was convinced she'd learned her lessons. Guess I was wrong.

I didn't make it easy on her, Lord knows. But when we made things really tough, I went to work fixing things and she just bailed. Now here we are.

I spent most of last fall hurting over the fact that she wasn't attracted to me anymore. But looking back over my posts from then, where I was often struggling with conflicting feelings and attitudes for her, I see I've been falling away from her over all this time.

Valentines Day was sort of the peak of all this. I didn't want to celebrate it at all cause, well, face it, most guys think it's a silly holiday anyway, but particularly when everyone is just going through the motions. I gave her roses anyhow, but it didn't mean anything to me. I gave them because it was the 14th just like I take out the trash on Tuesdays. That's pretty sad.

I didn't tell her any of that, of course.

No, I'm still bucking for husband and father of the year. Outwardly I try and be as pleasant and encouraging as possible.

Inwardly, and nobody knows this but the people who read this post, I have no intention of trusting her again any time soon. She seems to be very serious and sincere about her relationship with God, and for that I'm thankful because, well, that's what (in my opinion) we all need the most.

I've seen, though, that many of my difficulties in years past have been tied to the subtle conflict between her and I. I've had to get above and beyond that without intentionally alienating her or "punishing" her. In the past that made me less available for my sons and less "present" when I was with them...always too distracted, wondering about what was really going on and why my efforts to improve my M were always ignored.

Maybe it's different for others. For me, there is no magic. Remember that, Kirby. It all boils down to my own personal choice to honor my commitment or not despite the honor, or lack thereof, in those around me. In the end, I know that's what's best for me and my children, and even my W whether she accepts me or not, simply because it's what is right.

Well, my friends, sorry to pop in after all this time and pontificate so much, it's just what's on my heart these days.

I hate to make this such a defining point of my life but I think if my W ever did leave, I don't think I could ever marry or get close to anyone again unless they'd been betrayed to the extent I feel like I have, because I don't think I could trust anyone who hadn't been through this, felt the pain of it, and would do just about anything in their power to avoid it.

Anyhow, thanks for the well wishes everyone and I'll pop in again soon.