He cannot get over the OW help us...

[lovelyolive]

Heartbroken,
I am SO proud of you!!! It sounds like you really kept it together. You made a connection with your H when ML and that counts! My H says that I mess up his head when we ML. I have done a complete 180 and it's blowing his mind! Plus, the OW feels like MY H is cheating on her.. ha!

Now is for sure the time to work on you!

How'd it go with your kids?

[Heartbroken]

Thanks for your thoughts - my Mom could not understand how I had sex with him after he'd been with Ow - I said how was it any diff from when he was with me AND her from late Nov. until 1/6 when he finally admitted there even was an Ow. The only reason I did not have him move out in Jan. was that he told me he was thru with her and wanted to work on us. It took the uncovering of another set of lies to help me push him out completely. I cannot live with H at home still seeing/talking/f**cking her. I saw myself these last two days checking his cell and snooping on him -for my peace of mind I have to let him go.

THis was the worst day of my life - maybe D will be easier because by then I will be a diff person and may not even want or love him as much as I do now. He is the one taking the huge risk now - the shock waves are starting to go thru our social circle (due to Ow and her ex) and we should be the talk of the town for the next 6 plus mos or so. I fear for my kids sakes...

I was SO SAD last night and today I am kinda numb. H wants to go grocery shopping together so we can work to save money putting food into two households....

I wonder what the Ow would think of H letting me control the finances still. H wants to let me see everything coming and going financially and he swears he will not give her money....who knows what I can believe at this point...

Thanks for your feedback!

[Heartbroken]

The kids just cried and cried. D(12) does even want to see the apt. and S(9) stayed the night with H last night. I think they are sucking up their emotions to not hurt H (just like me right) and I keep telling them they need to express themselves to both me and H (or I will go mad). I said their dad needs to see that they are angry or sad or whatever. Even encouraged D to email her dad at work. I hope they can.

If the kids seem to handle it just fine - does this push him to the Ow too?? Same with me - if I am just peachy fine around him doesn't that show him he can move on that much more easily?????

I am not good at game playing and I'd rather be up front and honest. I understand the DBing with pursuing and being clingy and needy - this I have stopped. But I am not sure how much to talk to him during the week. He is kind to me cuz he doesn't want to hurt me more than he already has but that doesn't mean he loves me...H is just typically an all around caring person - this A is the so not him..

When does this nightmare end????

[imLIN]

Okay....as with the kids...my kids broke down when their dad finally came around to tell them he left...they were devistated...my D18 (at the time) didn't speak to him....didn't hug him....and she stayed like that for about 2 or more years...even after he moved back home she continued the silent treatment....wouldn't ride in the car with him...nothing!

D20 (at the time) hugged him...but pretty much didn't speak to him for a few years....after he had been home a while she started having necessary conversation with him...but that was it...

S9 (at the time) acted like dad was still the greatest...but with me he let me know he pretended not to have a dad or tried for forget he had one because H would drop out for months at a time from all of our lives...

So H didn't see the emotions of the kids...and with S he acted like life was just fine when dad came around....

So no....the kids have nothing to do with what H does...it might cause him a little conscience pricking if they beg and cry to him but in the long run he has to see this "thing" through...

Ummm....just one question for you though....Why on earth would you tell your mother that you ML with your H???....my advice is to not tell family anything....believe me if you do DB and H comes back...it is much easier and more dignified for all if the family isn't embroiled in the whole situation....to the extent that it is within YOUR control....I know the whole rumor mill thing too....

[Heartbroken]

You are soooooo right. I have told my family to much already and that may affect our ability to get back together too. They say they can forgive him but will they really. I held out for 6 mos (we live in diff states) but I am very close to my Mom and it was all I could do - but now I have gone the opposite extreme with TMI....I guess I wanted them to say that ML was okay - but she did not react that way anyways.

My sister in law said I need to accept the A and the ass my H has become and start to move on. I realize I am relying on too much hope that he will come to his senses over the Ow and how wrong they are together. But then I will be crushed if he chooses her over me. And dammit I want to be in control - I want to decide if I should take him back or not - not the other way around.

I really need to get a new attitude - does that mean not seeing H for a few weeks. I feel he throws me bones every once in awhite - I read way more into them than he means to say and I am off and running with my "hopes". DO I just stop talking to him and avoid contact for a month or so? I just do not know what to do next. I hate these games and I do know I need to GAL and start to focus on me and my kids. My brain knows this but my heart if another story....

[imLIN]

Okay...starting today....discussions with family and in-laws is out of the question....if they ask just tell them you are dealing with things and don't want to talk about it...then change the subject....

If you need to get something off of your chest....well you come here and spew all you want....or ask....or journal...whatever you feel like....because what you say here....stays here

You DON'T have to accept the A....just give him space and let him (or her) hang himself with his own rope...

Oh...along with patience....get over the "Control" thing...I know exactly how you feel...I was a control freak and didn't realize it till H left!!!....not in a bad way but it sure showed up when I wasn't able to control what H was doing and with whom!!!

So there is your task....LET GO....you are not in CONTROL OF ANYONE BUT YOU!!!....then you NEED NEED NEED to get a life if you ever want H to WANT you back....and it may not be him crawling home on his hands and knees but a just an opportunity that presents itself like it did with H and I...where we realized that we wanted to try and fix all that was broken...

So...let go....stay quiet unless he calls....and be patient....oh...and remember, NO MORE TALKING TO OTHERS!!!

Once you start planning (I had to MAKE myself do this) and start going out and having moments of fun without H you will learn that you are in CONTROL of your own happiness...take that control and own it....

This is NOT about playing games....it is about truly becoming the person you NEED to be....lead with your brain and eventually your heart will follow....

[Heartbroken]

Thanks!

H took the kids yesterday and I was alone for the first time in a long time. I thought I would cry scream and rant and rave but it lasted a whole two mins. Guess I am not as sad as I thought!

I will ask my C tonight about contact with H (she supports DBing too) so hopefully she will have some input.

H finally told part of the story to his Mom - just that he's moved out and there is another person involved. I talked to her and she was not aware that the third person was something he could not let go...

I feel stronger today - up at 5:20 worked out, did laundry and am ready for work already! I just need to focus on my job and kids and let him choose the path he feels he needs to take.

H said he would call and I said why? To talk about the kids he said...Sometimes I feel I take steps backwards when we talk just because my sadness starts to return. I know I need to be upbeat when talking to him but it sure is hard!

Any hints????!

[imLIN]

Be VERY careful.....it isn't advisable to talk to MIL's even if they initiate the conversation, even if they are very close to you, and even if H already said what you discussed....not a good idea....KEEP EVERYONE out of your business with H

[lovelyolive]

Great advice from imLIN!

Part of the problem with talking with everyone about what you are doing is that EVERYONE will have an opinion on what YOU should do. My support group has been on me like crazy to kick my H out. Finally, last week I told them all that while I appreciate their support, only I know all of the dynamics at work. They are certainly free to give advice but until you actually live what we are living, they have NO IDEA what they would need to do. I told them that I will work this out in MY time not theirs.

You need to decide what you want. It sounds to me like your ultimate goal is to save your marriage. If that's the case, you need to do whatever it takes to reach that goal. You can control YOU.. that's it! Speak and act using your head.. cry while you're not around him. Keep your emotional comments to yourself (this is really hard for me, too!)

He obvioulsy still wants to see you - the grocery shopping thing seems like a great opportunity to test your DB'ing skills.... Look great...Show him the awesome woman that you are

[theoden]

heartbroken,

ooohhhh...shopping, what a great way to *be* the other woman. Can you shop in a thong? ;-)

Well...hun, you get to choose when to shop if you let him fondle the cantaloupes... ;-)

You get the control the level of contact.

You get to control much of a bone you throw him.

You get to control how much to say, always leaving him wanting for more.

You get to grow soooo HOT and interesting, that he will get horny just thinking about shopping.

You get to play with him a little -- and drive her, the OW, nuts.

Isn't it delicious?

Don't get excited about the bones he throws you -- it'll only make him want to run---instead, start making crazy abuot the bones you throw him.

Guess what? You ML to him. His head is being screwed with -- you are being the OW.

Good work.

--Theoden