Life of Job

[81388*]

Whatis;
I had an eliquent reply this AM, previewed it and in my hurried state forgot to submit it prior to logging off. I can't for the life of me remember what I wrote other than thanks for not taking my last post in the wrong light.


"We are not right any more than they are, nor are we necessarily in more pain than they are. We are simply on the receiving end of the broken vow with the highest visibility and worst PR spin."

I have been thinking about this Grasshopper quote since you posted it to me. I am not sure I agree.

As I remember it, I vowed to love, honor, cherish and respect her. I vowed to forsake all others for her. I vowed to do this in the good times as well as the bad. I HAVE DONE THAT!

I did not ever learn to read her mind, but never promised that I would. If my memory serves, she made the same promises I did. It seems to me that if one of us is unhappy, then it becomes incombant upon that person to work within the framework of the marriage to address that unhapiness. I have no doubt that she perceives that this unhappiness has gone on a long time, but I am equally sure that this is part of her revisionist history.

My point is not to stand on the mountain top and decry the injustice of it all, but to point out that the "sins" are not equal. It is not acceptable for her to view "years of broken vows" as a justification for her infidelity, because there hasn't been years of broken vows. Her twisted perception may be that there has been, but that is simply not the truth.

So where does that bring us? Why an affair? Again, I know there are many reasons, but the bottom line is still a lack of respect and the sense that for whatever reason, she is somehow intitled to this experience.

HOW DO YOU CHANGE THAT?

Especially when you can't have a rational discussion with them about your relationship.

Without discussion, we can reinforce only with our behavior, which can be positive, negative, or neutral. If they continue with there immoral and hurtful behavior despite our pointing it out for what it is, and our reponse is neutral or positive(we continue to do things for them and be there for them and be a "good friend") we in effect reward the behavior. What is left to do other than introduce negative behavior into the equation. ie. if you continue to do this, then I will do that.

I wouldn't tolerate this behavior from any other friend. And I say that with some authority because I havn't in the past. If a friend of mine was acting this way, I would attempt to get them to address the problems, but if the behavior continued I would not forsake them, but I sure as h$ll would distance myself from them.

I guess I am starting to come to the conclusion that telling them is not enough. I have told her many things since the bomb that she does not believe or just does not care, so why would she care what I TELL HER about her unfaithfulness. She may know deep down inside that I do not condone her behavior, but that obviously is not enough to inspire a change in her behavior.