W and I went out for a nice dinner last night, but she was still pretty down in the dumps - not quite the romantic getaway I hoped for, but that's OK. I talked some about how I'm struggling out of the winter blahs myself, but am determined to do better. She pointed out that I have been slacking off on my exercising - once she said that, I realized it was absolutely true, and resolved to improve. Got on the bike trainer this morning, and I think that's really helped with my PMA today.
W talked some about her recent visit with her IC. The IC told her that she may always be planning so much for the future in order to avoid feeling the terrible pain of the present. Seemed like W buys into this. Ouch! Now, for just a minute there, I started to do what the Old Me would have done - internalized this, made it all about how life WITH ME is painful. But after that minute, I got into DBing high gear and shut down that thought. This is W's pain, and while I certainly want her to be happy, it is about HER, not about me. Then, I was able to offer sympathy - "I'm sorry you're feeling so down, let me know how I might help" - and not reflect it back in a way that just made things worse.
The other thing W talked about was how she feels so totally overwhelmed by running D14's life that she has no time for her own (I'm paraphrasing a little there. ) See, D14 takes almost no responsibility for ANYTHING - makes us nag her constantly to get her butt in gear to get up in the morning, do her homework, practice her music, etc. etc. etc. Now, with my newfound DBer Wisdom, I have changed my approach to dealing with this. I'm getting much better at setting consequences, and then telling D14 "If you want to fail, go right ahead, but here's what that's going to cost you." And I step back and leave it up to her.
W, on the other hand, doesn't get that yet (which actually undermines my approach a lot of the time). W still sees D14 sloughing off her responsibilities, and launches into nagging mode. In my mind, that means one thing: The person who's REALLY responsible for getting stuff done is W, not D14. So, OF COURSE D14 never improves - it's not her job, right?
As of this morning, I'm redoubling my efforts to take the burdens off of my/W's shoulders, and put them on D14's shoulders where they belong. Had another talk - long, kind, but firm - with D14 where I did the talking and W mostly listened. D14 has lost almost all computer access until we determine that she has changed her attitude and behaviour. Not just for today ("I cleaned my room, let me on my computer now!") I'm talking until we see her do a complete 180 on this - could be months, but that's entirely up to her.
I hope W sees how this is supposed to work, and can let go of the control. I know that would be the best thing for all three of us!
Anyways, it's good to be sharing stuff again instead of bottling it up. Going to be a great evening (once I get off the DB boards and get my frickin' homework done!!!)
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
) See, D14 takes almost no responsibility for ANYTHING - makes us nag her constantly to get her butt in gear to get up in the morning, do her homework, practice her music, etc. etc. etc. Now, with my newfound DBer Wisdom, I have changed my approach to dealing with this. I'm getting much better at setting consequences, and then telling D14 "If you want to fail, go right ahead, but here's what that's going to cost you." And I step back and leave it up to her.
