Afterall....This IS my Life III

[NOPkins]

Hi, Heather.

This is where it gets a bit interesting. What you have to do, is invite him into a new relationship, not demand. It may take him some time for him to get used to the current changes.

Just so I don't forget; It is imperative that you never mention "wishing that you hadn't sold your truck", no matter how bad an argument, or how hurt your feelings get. Simply put, he has used your action as an anchoring point where he can call a stop to his emotional pain. Most guys don't handle emotional pain very well. If they can attribute a positive action or a truth to the situation, then they can lay their pain down.

I like the letter and the invitation for continued discourse. Mentioning the "new relationship" is good, but don't force it on him just yet. Give him time to be heard.

Having said that, it is ultimately you that will have to call time on how long you will wait. I am hoping that he will step up and take the first step. It is something that HE needs to do, for the sake of both of you.

He needs to let go of the affair. You have given him a point of reprieve. The next step is up to him. He can decide to move on, or continue to wallow. You need to wait a reasonable amount of time for him to make that decision.

You will know when enough is enough. In the mean time, keep selling the "new relationship" It will eventually dawn on him to ask you to explain it to him. Guys are a bit slow on relational uptake at times :-)

One last thing, expect bumps. Don't be discouraged, they WILL happen. Just stay in control of the vehicle and return to the straight and narrow - a new relationship with your hubby.

Good letter, send it to him.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Cobra]

Heather,

You may not have had a chance to read Dr. Laura yet, but the gist is what she says is two pronged. The first is to be an inspiration to your husband to inspire him to move mountains. The other is to play to his masculinity and sense of protectiveness by playing to your femininity and sense of vulnerability. I agree that your letter is good, but asking to hear ALL he has to say could be putting him on the spot. You don’t know if that other 90% is good or bad, something you want to hear or not. I’m sure that 90% is in the forefront of his mind and when he is comfortable, he will tell you.

Instead, one idea I have is for you to lead by example and show your vulnerable side. I know this will be hard for you, but you’ve already done a lot of it. Perhaps by discussing some of your fears, what you have learned about them, and how they have caused you to react, you could convey the impression that what you’ve always wanted is to have his strength and security to comfort and for him top love you all along. Emphasize that aspect of him and ask him to help you over come your anxieties. Let him figure it out that he did not provide that to you before.

[heatherg]

I decided not to send the email. I think I need to wait until I get rid of my truck to bring up our relationship again.

With that being said, I think I may need to escalate getting rid of it. I don't have time to wait until there's a buyer-I really need to just trade it in I think. That's gonna hurt. But it needs to be done. I really believe that waiting is not the way to go.

Part of what has brought me to that decision is the tension I feel....wow. Last night felt like the same old routine....I'm on the couch and H is down in 'his' bedroom watching a movie. Did everyone here hear me say that I don't want to go back to living like that? I'm just makin sure, because I'm pretty sure I made that clear. I will not fall back into that.

So, selling my truck now is the only option I think.

[sat567]

Heather:
Looks like you're getting lots of good advice, so, if you don't mind, I'm going to avoid commenting on the "asleep on the couch, he's in the bedroom" post, and just respond to the news that you and he ML.

Lucky ba$tardette.

Hairdog

[heatherg]

I'm going to avoid commenting on the "asleep on the couch, he's in the bedroom" post

Thanks, I don't want to be discouraged. But I am. And Nops, I really would like your objective opinion on the fact that I'm still on the couch. Perhpas it's to be expected as we've only discussed making things different, we haven't really ironed that out yet.

But I just know me, I can feel it coming. If I sell that truck, take that big of a loss and then have to spend the night on the couch.....it's gonna bubble over.

[Cobra]

Heather,

Part of what has brought me to that decision is the tension I feel....wow. Last night felt like the same old routine....I'm on the couch and H is down in 'his' bedroom watching a movie.

I’d like to know a little more about how this happened. Did he tell you to go sleep on the couch or did you just go there as a default because he didn’t invite you to sleep in the bed? Maybe he was disappointed that you went to the couch instead of asking him to sleep in the bed. Either way it seems like a little more communication could help, instead of assuming the worst. Care to elaborate?

[heatherg]

He told me he would probably watch a movie down in the bedroom, which pretty much indicates I can't sleep in there.

[Cobra]

Heather,

He told me he would probably watch a movie down in the bedroom, which pretty much indicates I can't sleep in there.

You know what I’m going to say, don’t you? Don’t assume and be radically honest. If it is scary, just suck it up and do it anyway.

Assuming he is rejecting you and you staying quiet to avoid another fight won’t help the resentment. He needs to hear how that it hurts you (without blaming him). Not doing so lets him off the hook. If he is uncomfortable talking about these things, that is his problem, but keeping quiet enables his behavior. This is where your boundary knowledge comes into play. Use the tools you have learned here. Don’t slip back into the old patterns so easily.

[Burgbud]

Hey, Heather!

You're in a marathon, not a sprint. I don't worry that you're discouraged but I'm concerned that you don't want to be discouraged. Your feelings will rise and fall...accept them and don't give them too much power over you.

Negotiating a new relationship takes time. Most people call it "dating" and you have an idea how long that can take.

Stick with NOPs. You're doing great. Relax and don't force a new R to happen all at once.

[heatherg]

See, the marathon part is over. I was done with waiting, that's why I filed for D.
I know the dynamics are going to be hard to change and things will be rocky for a while, but the basics should not be so hard to grasp, me sleeping in the bed and him putting his ring back on. That's relationship 101 is it not??