Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

Hotlips had sex with Hawkeyes and Heather had sex with her H. Last night. How the heck did you guess Corri?! It was a really, really hard decision.....he was being very persistent. I told him I wanted to but that there were still too many unknowns. Later on he said "I do love you, you know". That was it. There was no other way to express myself at that moment than to ML to him.

Yeah, I do need to regain equilibrium. I am telling you I've never been on a roller coaster ride quite like this one you guys. H loved the email, he said it made him feel wanted. He mentioned me selling my truck not once, but twice. The first time he asked if I was doing it because he got a new vehicle. I said no and explained that I had a feeling he would think that and that I know the timing seems suspicious. But I explained the kind of loss I'm taking, maybe around $7k if I end up having to trade it in and it's pretty clear I would not take that kind of loss just to get a new car when I could walk away from this lease in 2 yrs without owing a dime. I'm a CPA, I'm smarter than that, so he believes me. Later on, he said again sort of in disbelief, 'so you're really gonna sell your truck?' I said yes. He said 'that's good'.
He told me he wished I could come with them to Baltimore and I said I wished I could too and I thanked him for telling me that (his parents already planned to ride with H, so there is no room in his truck....which is actually really good because going would not have been a good idea at this juncture even though I would have loved to).
From the moment he walked in the door last night, he was talkative to me, touching me, sitting by me. It was wild. S6 was in MY lap and D4 was next to me and H was holding my feet. That is SOOO crazy because usually it is me on the 'outside looking in'. Then when we read to S6 last night, S6 sits in the chair, I usually sit on the stool and H usually lays in the bed with his chin on the armrest of the chair. H said, there's room for you here Mommy and he patted the bed next to him. That's just crazy talk....usually he would always invite S6 to lie next to him, not me. I have no idea if he was aware he was doing these things or not, but it was sooooooo what I needed so I told him. I told him that he did several things that made me feel more like his wife than I had felt in years and I told him specifically what he did that made me feel that way.
We talked about spending more time together-he explained his views on the importance of family time and I agreed but I also said we need us time too. It was a good discussion as he said there would be time for that later when the kids get older and don't WANT to be with us...I validated that. I said we just have to make sure that we protect our time together, that we remember to make each other feel like we're a priority in the others' life....people drift apart if they don't do that....there was a lot said but in the end he was trying to think of ways we could fit it in. I said we'd figure it out.

We slept in the living room, on the couch, with me in his arms. Sleeping on the couch didn't seem so odd since the living room is where we had sex (sorry if that's TMI). However, I have no clue what I'm going to do about communicating my needs with the sleeping arrangements and I also want him to put his wedding band back on. I said I wouldn't make demands. I have no idea how the heck I am going to balance stating my needs without him perceiving that I am making demands. Guys, I can't go back to sleeping on the couch, I just can't so please don't say I should just go with the flow. If I do that, we'll end up back to thoughts of separation within 6 mos.

From the moment I woke up, my anxiety level was up. I was watching H, looking for signs that sex was all he wanted, signs that he would be treating me differently today than he did yesterday. At the moment, I'm so relieved he's gone. I need to regroup.

I'm going to take a shower, get my nails done-all 20 of them, buy the book NOPS suggested and the Dr. Laura book and come home and take a nap b/c H and I were up til I don't even know when. This day alone is exactly what I needed in order to process what happened last night. What a shock, an absolute shock. I'm in amazement at his change of attitude and it's going to be really hard to not just bask in the sun of all of this....but I know there is work to be done and I must come up with a plan.
So, out to get my books I go.

PS, GEL, it was wonderful to see you post, thanks! GGB, thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out while I'm at the bookstore today.

Thank you again for all of your support.

[LustForLife]

No time to post, but

HOORAY!!!!!
I'm really happy for you.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Heather.

I am glad you had a good night with husband.

Quote:
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I have no idea how the heck I am going to balance stating my needs without him perceiving that I am making demands.
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The start to the negotiation is when both parties agree that there is something to negotiate. It is clear that your old relationship could not continue as is. Your husband has made a move back toward you as you have to him. It is unimportant who moved first, just that it happened.

You have already been using the phrase "new relationship". At what seems like an appropriate time to you (no egg shell walking), come right out and ask your hubby what he would think if there was a way that the two of you could have a new relationship that works for both of you. Ask him what the relationship would look like from his perspective, then tell him what it would look like from yours.

Tell him that you want to meet his needs in the relationship, then tell him about the book, and use it as a catalyst for addressing the changes. Let the book be the mediator. That way, neither one of you is leading, you are on equal footing.

Are you following me so far?

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[heatherg]

I'm following you 100%. I just got home from getting my nails done and I'm gonna take a nap. Then I'll go get my books and spend the rest of the night reading through it and forming my ideas.

[NewJourney]

Heather, I am so happy for you. I know you are scared, but you and H have come such a long way...it's exciting to see. BTW, I am in the middle of the Dr Laura book...I like it because it helps me get in touch with my femininity. Sounds like you did that by getting your nails done!

[Corri]

Heather:

How the heck did you guess Corri?! It was a really, really hard decision.....he was being very persistent. I told him I wanted to but that there were still too many unknowns. Later on he said "I do love you, you know". That was it. There was no other way to express myself at that moment than to ML to him.

You just explained for yourself why it happened.

And that is what I mean. Your emotions, for both of you, ARE running high, and that isn't a bad thing. It may continue, and it could very well feel like a second honeymoon, along with the whole 'chemical' resurgance akin to the dating phase.

It'll fade a bit faster, but that's what you have to prepare for, because LIFE will come back into the picture, and you two may begin to struggle again.

That is why, I think, it is so very important for you to follow NOPs advice. When you hit bumpy periods, it is critical for you to keep your anger, annoyance or 'fatalistic' thoughts under control. The goal is to negotiate a new way of interacting with one another, problem-solving together, rather than 'getting your way.' (For either one of you).

So maybe when you are thinking about what you want from this new R, you can put that in there somewhere... how the two of you might handle the 'bumpy' periods. Maybe a mandatory 'cool off' period before you discuss an issue, an agreement to allow the other to walk away if emotions get to high, and not taking it personal... repeating back to one another what you thought the other just said... and then believing the person when they say, 'no, I meant this,' instead of your interpretation.

It'll be just as important for him to learn how to do this as you, but you can do it.

The truck thing was really, really big for him, and I give NOPs all kinds of credit for thinking of that one. I give you all kinds of credit for doing it, being a CPA and all.

Baby steps, honey. The Dr. Laura books are really good.

Corri

[Cobra]

Heather,

I also want to mention something to you that W and I still fall into. You both understand the damage caused by the power struggles and you are both will probably commit to not go there again. Be careful not to take those same struggles underground, keeping quiet to keep the peace but building up resentment and unconsciously withdrawing from the marriage. It is a just another subtle power play. Stay radically honest just as you did in your letter and you have on this board.

Also remember that the two of you are still very wounded at it will take years to get over the damage. I believe Schnarch has some good lessons for couples, but I still believe too much differentiation too fast can be damaging. Remember the black/white couple on the Dateline show and how they split apart. I still think that was due to the wife pushing for too much differentiation from her H than he was able to give at once. If she had phased him into it and offered to him help along the way, they may not have split.

Radical honesty means telling your H what you do or do not want to do and why. Full disclosure of the why is most important, because then he can understand your fears. You need to ask him to help you. I bet he will be willing to do this, but he needs to fully understand what you are feeling. He can’t help you if you don’t let him help you.

So don’t push too fast. You hold onto yourself more than you expect him to. Set the example since he has not had the benefit of all the knowledge you have gained here. He does seem to be a fast learner.

If you bring up an issue and he does not seem open to it, then shelve it a little longer. There are so many issues to be fixed, you can set one aside and pick up another. Watch for which one he is ready to address. It can also be that the order is important, but neither you nor he may know what that order is. Issue A may seem to be going nowhere. But resolving issue B might suddenly cause issue A to be settled, as well as issue C. KWIM?

[heatherg]

I give you all kinds of credit for doing it, being a CPA and all.

Hopefully that came across the way I meant it. Which is not that being a CPA is proof that I am smart in general, but proof that I understand financial decisions and ramifications. Ok, now that we've cleared that up, lol...

When you hit bumpy periods, it is critical for you to keep your anger, annoyance or 'fatalistic' thoughts under control. The goal is to negotiate a new way of interacting with one another, problem-solving together

Exactly. Last night I told H that I understood exactly what he was saying in his email about my lack of commitment and that I was taking this very seriously and that this is it. If we can come to agreement on a new R, then I am in for the long haul. I realize how damaging it is to go back and forth and how much it affects everyone around us and I'm not going to do that anymore. He said "You've said that before though.." I don't recall saying that before, but rather than argue that point, I just said that this time is different because we've never laid out our issues of the past and addressed how we want to be different in the future. We've always just moved on, never doing the hard work of actually repairing the problem itself and that we have 15 years of history between us that has proved that our issues don't just go away. He said, "I don't always like to talk". I said "I know. I feel most connected with you when I know what's going on inside your head though. But I know what you mean. Even tonight it feels so good just to be with you and I have to admit that I was dreading any kind of R talk, but I know it's critical. I guess this is what people mean when they say M can be hard work. We have to talk when we don't want to talk and say the things that we don't necessarily want to say."

I felt like I tried to set the stage as much as possible for him to understand that even though we were feeling a little like old times with cuddling and hugging and reconnecting, I am not willing to fall back into the same old patterns. I hope I got that across because I tried to preface the work we need to do without being bossy or know it all. Least of all demanding

Be careful not to take those same struggles underground, keeping quiet to keep the peace but building up resentment and unconsciously withdrawing from the marriage.

I know. I definitely need to make sure that I am not an active particpant in the control game by my willingness to be there. I need to follow my own words when I spoke to H....we need to talk when we don't necessarily want to talk and say the things we don't necessarily want to say. Keeping the peace feels good in the short term, but the fallout is devastating in the end.

Also remember that the two of you are still very wounded at it will take years to get over the damage

Definitely. As long as we are respectful of each other during the years it takes to get there, I am ok with that.

I like it because it helps me get in touch with my femininity. Sounds like you did that by getting your nails done!


Yep! I even have flowers painted on my toenails, lol.

I got my books. It's time to get to work.

[heatherg]

The start to the negotiation is when both parties agree that there is something to negotiate. It is clear that your old relationship could not continue as is.

Do you think it's clear to H as well? I feel like H's behavior has indicated that he would like to continue a relationship with me, he has yet to specifically acknowledge that we need to start over. So, like you said, the start to the negotiation is when both parties agree that there is something to negotiate. I don't feel like H and I have necessarily reached that mutual conclusion. I was thinking of sending this email:

I can't quite describe how surprised and elated I am at the way we've connected since you came home from Seattle. I absolutely knew we could do it, but still, your willingness to reach out to me has touched my heart in a way that I feel so...grateful for. Your behavior toward me has indicated that you still want a relationship with me and I am so relieved by that...absolutely, glowingly happy to know that we both still see one another in our futures. When you told me you still loved me, there were no words that could have expressed my emotions...making love to you was literally a need at that moment.
I don't want to misunderstand you though, I need to hear you say that you would like to start over too. I'm so happy with the way we've communicated the past few days and I hope that you see this as something that we can continue, not as something that we've gotten out of the way so that we can get back to normal. I fear the latter because I can't go back to our old 'normal'.

We have a lot of history together and I think we've both recognized that our feelings about the past and the issues that have been created don't just go away. In your last email, you said you hadn't even touched on a tenth of what you wanted to say. I want to hear everything you have to say, everything. I'd really like to continue our emails when we discuss our past because I think it's been a great, non-confrontational way to lay out our perspectives.

I'm really happy you're home.....that YOU are home.

Heather

[heatherg]

I was thinking that I should edit to explain that we both get to define what 'starting over' means and a new relationship will be negotiated as a result.