I think we have read what you wrote quite thoroughly. Perhaps you haven’t read your own writing very well.
As far as an attitude, you're correct, I have one. I will not eat S**T from anyone that tells me or implies that I have not attempted to save my marriage or that I have not been a man in my marriage or in this situation.
I doubt you will eat shit from your wife either, but she is supposed to eat yours, right? After all, you’re ENTITLED to you anger, aren’t you. That bad woman MADE you be less than what you think you should be, she MADE you feel bad about not having sex with her, she MADE you stay behind in your career while hers took off. Poor thing.
I just wonder if they'd be so quick to take those actions with me face to face.
Damn right I would.
All of this is fruitless and childish. I didn't come here to defend myself. I have always thought that if one did not have something productive to say, one should keep his/her mouth shut. I came here for help, not to get bogged down in this foolishnes.
I don’t think you would recognize a helpful statement if it hit you upside the head. The only “helpful” statement that will get through to you is that you are right and your wife is wrong. Was that helpful?
This "be a man" crap is so far removed from me that it's laughable. I don't think anyone that has ever known me, including my wife, would ever place me in the "not a man" category, in any classification of the phrase. I'm hearing that I'm angry and that I'm envious of my wife's career and that I'm not a leader and I'm not taking any responsibility for my marital situation, and this and that. I'm not sure if some of these "men" have read what I've written or if they have, I'm not sure they can comprehend what I've written.
I think we all comprehend quite well what you’ve written. The above paragraph summarizes it pretty well. Show me where you’ve written anything to the contrary.
Statement I love my wife. I want to spend the rest of my days with this woman. I have accepted that this may not be possible. I have accepted that I am but one partner in my marriage, and, thereby, cannot stop my spouse from leaving (nor would I want to stop her if that is what she wants). I cannot change another person; I can only change and take care of myself. Contradiction My wife in her current state has no redeeming qualities. I am not attracted to her as she is today (when I say today I'm talking about over the years when she basically began dominating the marriage).
It's not a matter of rolling up my sleves and going to work, I have no problem with that, but I'm just too damn proud to do all of the work to save my marriage for a spouse that seems like she couldn't care less about me or us.
Since when does pride trump love for sake of marriage? You say your son will be devastated by news of the divorce, but that must not bother you too much since you place your pride above him.
Statement All she could talk about was our past, the bad parts of our past. I heard the seven year no sex thing until I was blue in the face. I have a real problem with people that let their past control their future. I feel pity for anyone in that place. Yes, we should learn from our past, but to mire your future in the past is a terrible waste. I must say that I was shocked when my wife was only able to talk about our last seven years together. I never once thought that a person as intelligent as my wife would mire her future in her past. Contradiction Believe me brother, she is well aware of my feelings regarding this respect issue. She has been told by me in no uncertain terms that we will NOT go back to the relationship that we've had for the last several years. Those days are over, period. She wants to be a bit*h, I have no problem with that, but she'll be a bit*h with with a new man.
People seem to think that my poor wife hasn't had a husband that wanted her in seven years--that street runs both ways, for seven years I haven't had a wife that wanted me.
Sound to me like you’re just as mired in the past as she is. That would make sense since you two are probably mirror images of one another.
Statement My friend, I don't agree with your view of earning respect. You give another person respect until they do something to warrant no longer being respected. Contradiction My wife also lost all respect for me several years ago (women, listen to me--don't ever do that with a man), and this became a serious problem for me. Her career advanced while mine did not; to be honest, I think at some point my wife began thinking that she was above me. Her current salary is four times what mine is.
The contradiction in this is that you could not keep up with her career-wise and your lack of success was not enough for her to warrant continuing to give you respect. That has more to do with you than with her.
Statement This business about getting a divorce because you're unhappy or you're no longer in love, blah, blah, blah is BS. Boo fking hoo. I hate that anyone is not happy in their marriage or that anyone is no longer "in love" with their spouse, but you know what--grow up, be an adult and stop thinking of only yourself. You're not happy then that is you responsibility. Contradiction I have tried everthing I know of to try to get my spouse engaged in putting our marriage back together. I have been rebuffed on all attempts. All I need is a little willingness and openness on her part to work on our marriage. If that happened, I'd be 100% involved in anything to restore our marriage.
I doubt you see this as a contradiction since you stated there might be something else you could learn from this board, but the one most important thing that you could learn, you do not want to hear.
Statement My wife knows that I'd never cheat on her. She took advantage of my commitment, trust, loyalty, etc. and she did whatever she wanted to do. Basically, she knew there'd be no dire consequences for her actions, so why worry about stomping me. I have a very, very, very real problem with anyone with this type of attitude. You don't take something that's good and sincere in a world full of sh*t and corrupt it for power. If there's one thing in all of this that would make me turn my back on her and file papers, it's her lack of maturity and integrity regarding our relationship. This is not my problem; this is her problem. Contradiction My wife knows that I will never beg her to stay, and she knows that at some point I might become unwilling to work on our marriage. I have not told her that, but my wife knows me. She knows that when I get my fill of something, I can walk away. I try until I'm satisfied that I can possibly do nothing else, then I walk away.
You state she has a “lack of maturity and integrity regarding [y]our relationship” and that would “make” you turn your back on her and file. But since you haven’t walked yet, are you saying this is not such a big deal, or are you rethinking this statement:
Let's face it, a WAS is a coward--you plan something for a long time without even trying to work things out with your partner then you just drop the bomb one day out of the blue.
Or is it a case that if she walks, she is a coward, but if you walk, you aren’t?
Statement So, I feel that I've done my share to rectify our marital problems. As stated earlier in this post, I will not beg anyone to be with me or stay with me. I will not beg someone to meet me half way. If they have no desire to work with me on problems, so be it. Contradiction She says that she is "no longer in love with me" and now has "no desire to have a sexual relationship with me". "Something in her, her love and desire for me, has died, and that can never be recovered."
When she went to the counselor all she talked about was divorce.
It seems like she is making it pretty clear. So why are you here?
I feel sorry for anyone that is selfish enough or has so little self-esteem that they would stay in a relationship with a partner that doesn't want to be in the relationship. I would tell that person to examine his/her life closely.
Maybe that is what she is doing?
As I move away from the weak person that I had became, and the me that I used to be emerges, I question my entire motivation for attempting a reconsiliation. My hope is that she'll see the changes that I'm making and it'll motivater her to change.
Now explain to me one more time what it is that you did to change? You said Well, I found a respected marriage counselor in our area and setup all of the visits to our marriage counselor, when she no longer wanted to go to the counselor I continued to go.
So you went for two whole months? What came of those two months? Besides trying to get the counselor to agree that you are right and your W is wrong, what did YOU do to change into a more attractive person to your W? Do you really think moving away from the weak person you were by becoming angry and obnoxious is the kind of change your wife was eagerly awaiting?
Have you even bothered to ask her what she wants to see in you, or are you scared of what you might hear?
Are you a licensed, practicing divorce attorney in the state of Mississippi? Do you have a through understanding of the divorce process and statutes in the state of Mississippi? Have I hired you as my legal counsel? When you meet these qualifications, I'll seek your advice on legal matters.
No, I work in treasury/finance. But I’m well aware of the laws in Texas and the various states do not differ much. Your lawyer might tell you what you want to hear, based on the one-sided story you tell him/her. I would guess your wife has a totally different story for her lawyer.
Man, you are so lost when it comes to me. Angry, you're right, but do you think that I'd let my anger get in the way of my working on my marriage?
You don't know me guy and I understand that, but man you're jumping into left field on your assumptions. Do you think I go to my wife angrily, and try to solve problems?
How can your anger not get in the way? You said your wife wasn’t stupid. I’m sure she knows your anger quite well. IMO, the proof is in the fact that she does not want to cooperate with you any longer. If you were a sweet-heart, she would jump at the chance to fix the marriage.
Do I really sound to you that I'm an immature chest thumping moron that doesn't know how to behave or get the job done?
Do you want me to answer that?
I hope you're not a shrink because your patients would be SOL with your insight.
Nope, and I’ve got a lot more insight than you realize. You just can’t see past your anger.
I think I posted something earlier about people making assumptions. Do you really think that I need someone like you, or anyone here, to justfy or validate my feelings?
No, but I do think you need your wife to justify your feelings. But she just won’t give it, will she? I wonder why? Let’s see, what was your response to something like this?... oh yeah “Boo fking hoo.”
You want some constructive comments? You’re not so hard to read abyss. You story is not much different from mine, except for the fact that my wife was a SAHM until recently. Your wife sounds powerful and assertive. So is mine. Your wife has to be in order to succeed so well in the workplace. That can make a woman seem cold and uncaring, though that is not necessarily the case. I bet she also touts a lot of feminist-style manifesto.
You, on the other hand, say you were a doormat. Now you are becoming the person you used to be. I doubt that is true. You were probably more passive when you were younger too, but because you were not in a committed relationship you did not have to enforce your boundaries or get engaged in a power struggle. At that time, if you didn’t get along with someone, you just didn’t see them anymore.
Marriage changes all of that, doesn’t it? So your wife had an innately stronger personality than you, and you held to more romantic beliefs of what is right and wrong, good and bad, polite and impolite (probably imposed on you by shaming parents). You tried to be the chivalrous gentleman and she took advantage of it, right? Now you’ve out up with it long enough and you’ve exploded, ready to turn the tables and re-assert your manhood.
Let me know if I’m too far off base with this, but if not, you are going to have to accept the fact that your passivity was your responsibility, though not necessarily your fault. Your wife’s assertiveness was also her responsibility, but not necessarily her fault. Have you ever stopped to wonder how and why the two of you ever became attracted in the first place? I’ll stop here. Let me know if you want to continue or not, but I will tell you one thing, you have a LOT to learn.
