He cannot get over the OW help us...

[verycrazy]

Hi, Heartbroken, I just got caught up on your sitch, and I wondered when yall will tell your D12 about ow? I was unlucky in that my S who was 13 at the time was standing next to me when I found out about ow last summer. To see the look in his eyes, and then the anger when he started kicking his F's car, and throwing things. I took him to my C's with me and they talked some. It helped him, I believe, and he says he admires me for not just throwing H out and D him.

I live in a small town outside a large city, the city where ow lives, and she works at a local hospital where many of my S's friends M's work, so I am afraid of stories of them getting back to him. Like once where they were seen fondling each other in the parking lot, I know this because ow thought it was so funny that people saw them, and I heard the message on H's secret cell phone.
When you said what you did about the "cold sores" or herpes, it made me wonder if ow was with my H, who else was she with? H says it was only EA, but who can believe that? I mean if their lips are moving, they are probably lying. When I think of what they could expose us and our kids to, ughhh!

I think you are handling things very well, you seem to be so calm, and I think your H will begin to appreciate this in you. Especially when the you know what hits the fan, with this whole drama.

Good Luck and God Bless

L

[Heartbroken]

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

I am getting stronger each day - this weekend will be VERY bad for us telling the kids. We are going to hold off on the Ow part for our 12 1/2 year old. I see my C on Monday and she should help give me guidance. She knows and understands Dbing so she should have some answers for me hopefully! I will keep you posted.

[theoden]

Heartbroken,

You are being strong through all of this. Stand tall.

I'd say...

Take your time responding to him. You don't need to call back right away, let him stew in his juices.

Remember: you are calm, collected and cool. You are not desperate or crazy. His relationship with the other woman is getting sordid and nasty. Trust me, your composure, getting a life, and increasing sexiness is only going to make the affair look like a bad soap opera.

You probably shouldn't date until have a finalized divorce. You are still married. His infidelity does not justify yours.

Threatening him with going on dates...well...it's not cool and composed, it's an obvious tactic to make him jealous. If you are not going to date someone else, don't threaten to.

Regarding the other woman's husband. Well, your husband is reaping what he sowed. There's a chapter in Proverbs warning about a jealous husband who will avenge the shame of his wofe's dishonor. They write operas and make movies about this, and often they end up in violence. The only thing bad about this, is that the OW's husband, by his actions, is pushing the OW more towards your husband. He's not divorce busting. You might want to send. Ever think of mailing him a copy of the Divorce Remedy?

Telling your kids. Ouch.

All I can say, is that I would not give my daughter the "PC" version about your husband's affair. That's me.

Look in your heart, is it moral or immoral for him to have an affair?

--Theoden

[Heartbroken]

I did finally call him back and then he does not answered. He called again and I missed it. So I called again to tell him I have prepped our S(9)'s teacher of H moving out. She was understanding. I told H is was hard to tell her this - I hate that we have gone down this path and it just brings the tears out (though I have not cried to him in 4 days and I will not let him see me down).

I did ask why he was calling so much? I said he can call if he wants to talk but to not call me out of 'obligation'. He talks to her every morning and I asked if he felt he had to call me too. I then asked for him to have the kids 3/17 so I can go out with friends and he said he will take them whenever and I slipped and brought up the Ow and what about her plans with him??? God help me to just let it go!!!!

Walkin' the talk is so hard!

Theoden - did you see the note I gave him yesterday (previous post) any comments? Thanks for all your help! I feel stronger when I don't talk with him but am I just pushing him away?

[lovelyolive]

Walking the talk is so dang hard! I have certainly spewed out comments about the OW man times without meaning to. Try to tell yourself that she is irrelevant. It really doesn't matter who she is .. she is just scum!

My H talks to OW every morning on the way to work and they text ALL THE TIME! Makes me just hate cell phones!!!

[theoden]

Heartbroken,

Note is OK. It says too much. You are saying too much. Hun, you got to learn to zip it.

You don't need to ask him why he's calling or tell him not to call out of obligation -- that sounds like your desperate for him and *pretending* not to care. It's understandable. We all slip. But the steady course of your life now is to NOT discuss the OW. In fact take a break from talkiing about the relationship unless he initates it.

Trust me, he'll initiate lots of conversations. When you talk to him, don't be nasty, don't push him away. Be pleasant, cool and calm. Only be available to talk when you are composed, positive and sound like you really are OK.

You are not driving him away by playing coy and a little hard to get. Trust me, you will have plenty of opportunities to talk to him regarding kids, etc. During these opportunities, you will blow him away with your charm, poise, sexiness and cofidence. He'll begin to say to himself, "I gave up this amazing woman for the drama queen I'm living with now?"

Hun...I know this sounds crazy, but if you can walk the walk, and talk the talk, I feel like you are gonna smoke that bitch who took your huband. ;-)

Lonelyolive,

When I found the love-letters my wife sent the OM on our computer. I could barely look at it anymore. I began to hate computers.

--Theoden

[Heartbroken]

Theoden,

Thanks for the reply - I know this will get easier it's just going to take time and patience which I have a lot of. I have an awesome group of friends - my four therapists I call them. One newlywed (has the young fresh opinion), one who's been cheated on but they got thru it, my sister in law who went through a nasty divorce and my best friend whose parents had a nasty divorce (she keeps me grounded on the kid issues). I talk to all 4 almost everyday - though now that the drama is going to die down a bit my soap opera may get boring (I can only hope).

Thanks again for your support. Tonight is family night and we get to set up for a cheer competition. Sat. is the cheer competition D(12) and basketball S(9) and then we drop the bomb on them. I already talked to S(9)'s teacher to prep her and have her watch for issues in him. This is my next hurdle getting over telling the kids. I will keep you posted!

[verycrazy]

I agree with theoden, don't threaten to date others, it will just make your H feel justified in what he is doing. Plus, it will make you look bad to your family and friends, don't stoop to that level.

And I agree with lonelyolive, I HATE cell phones!!

I am glad you have a gang of four to help you.

God bless you while you tell your kids.

L

[Heartbroken]

Well we are about to tell the kids - when H is done changing the oil on my SUV. I seduced him last night I wanted to ML so bad (afraid it may be my last chance ever = he moves out tonight). He said he was fine with sex - he had sex but I ML and I realize there is a huge difference. I do not regret it but I am ANGRY that I have to worry about wanting sex with him - life sucks and I am so sad today. Not crying around him though - but he knows this is hard.

How can he be telling Ow they are soul mates (or those were her words to her now ex) and then have sex with me? He says I have messed up his head even more now. This is the confusion I see and feel in him. But all this gets my hopes going again. I am trying to be realistic - him leaving means a very good chance of never coming back but I want to be optimistic that we still have a chance of getting through this together.

We had all kids events last night and this morning. We then went to get the keys to his apt. and he let me take a look at it - how can I be so calm and rationale with all this. I am going to help him pack - is this crazy or what????

I used to love my life - now I not sure of anything!!!!!

Feels good to vent - thanks!

[imLIN]

I understand the whole ML thing....my H is/was/is an awesome lover and when he left I really thought of that loss a lot....it was hard to imagine NEVER ML to him again....and would another man be able to please me like he did...

Not good DB'ing but I would tend to want to tell OW that he was in my bed with me ML last night....soulmate my foot!!!!...but again that is NOT a good idea....

I don't think I could help him move....I don't think I could pack any of his things....

The good news is that I went through all of this and now H is home....of course it took 1 1/2 years!!!.....but then there wasn't a real hurry for me to find someone else....H left me... he thought of marrying OW....they discussed a future together... but in the end he did realize that it was best for him to come home....I won't say he had this epiphany that I was the greatest woman ever and what on earth was he thinking....but rather that I was an amazing woman who was worth working on the faults with...and in the process keeping the family together...

So put to rest your worries....and DB your BUTT off!