Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

I give you all kinds of credit for doing it, being a CPA and all.

Hopefully that came across the way I meant it. Which is not that being a CPA is proof that I am smart in general, but proof that I understand financial decisions and ramifications. Ok, now that we've cleared that up, lol...

When you hit bumpy periods, it is critical for you to keep your anger, annoyance or 'fatalistic' thoughts under control. The goal is to negotiate a new way of interacting with one another, problem-solving together

Exactly. Last night I told H that I understood exactly what he was saying in his email about my lack of commitment and that I was taking this very seriously and that this is it. If we can come to agreement on a new R, then I am in for the long haul. I realize how damaging it is to go back and forth and how much it affects everyone around us and I'm not going to do that anymore. He said "You've said that before though.." I don't recall saying that before, but rather than argue that point, I just said that this time is different because we've never laid out our issues of the past and addressed how we want to be different in the future. We've always just moved on, never doing the hard work of actually repairing the problem itself and that we have 15 years of history between us that has proved that our issues don't just go away. He said, "I don't always like to talk". I said "I know. I feel most connected with you when I know what's going on inside your head though. But I know what you mean. Even tonight it feels so good just to be with you and I have to admit that I was dreading any kind of R talk, but I know it's critical. I guess this is what people mean when they say M can be hard work. We have to talk when we don't want to talk and say the things that we don't necessarily want to say."

I felt like I tried to set the stage as much as possible for him to understand that even though we were feeling a little like old times with cuddling and hugging and reconnecting, I am not willing to fall back into the same old patterns. I hope I got that across because I tried to preface the work we need to do without being bossy or know it all. Least of all demanding

Be careful not to take those same struggles underground, keeping quiet to keep the peace but building up resentment and unconsciously withdrawing from the marriage.

I know. I definitely need to make sure that I am not an active particpant in the control game by my willingness to be there. I need to follow my own words when I spoke to H....we need to talk when we don't necessarily want to talk and say the things we don't necessarily want to say. Keeping the peace feels good in the short term, but the fallout is devastating in the end.

Also remember that the two of you are still very wounded at it will take years to get over the damage

Definitely. As long as we are respectful of each other during the years it takes to get there, I am ok with that.

I like it because it helps me get in touch with my femininity. Sounds like you did that by getting your nails done!


Yep! I even have flowers painted on my toenails, lol.

I got my books. It's time to get to work.