I also want to mention something to you that W and I still fall into. You both understand the damage caused by the power struggles and you are both will probably commit to not go there again. Be careful not to take those same struggles underground, keeping quiet to keep the peace but building up resentment and unconsciously withdrawing from the marriage. It is a just another subtle power play. Stay radically honest just as you did in your letter and you have on this board.
Also remember that the two of you are still very wounded at it will take years to get over the damage. I believe Schnarch has some good lessons for couples, but I still believe too much differentiation too fast can be damaging. Remember the black/white couple on the Dateline show and how they split apart. I still think that was due to the wife pushing for too much differentiation from her H than he was able to give at once. If she had phased him into it and offered to him help along the way, they may not have split.
Radical honesty means telling your H what you do or do not want to do and why. Full disclosure of the why is most important, because then he can understand your fears. You need to ask him to help you. I bet he will be willing to do this, but he needs to fully understand what you are feeling. He can’t help you if you don’t let him help you.
So don’t push too fast. You hold onto yourself more than you expect him to. Set the example since he has not had the benefit of all the knowledge you have gained here. He does seem to be a fast learner.
If you bring up an issue and he does not seem open to it, then shelve it a little longer. There are so many issues to be fixed, you can set one aside and pick up another. Watch for which one he is ready to address. It can also be that the order is important, but neither you nor he may know what that order is. Issue A may seem to be going nowhere. But resolving issue B might suddenly cause issue A to be settled, as well as issue C. KWIM?
