Mojo, I just wanted to say that I too think you are an incredible woman. I just feel that what your H has said and done since I've been reading your posts is sooo not about you. He's tried to make it about you, but it isn't. It's about him. So free yourself of all the negative BS he has dumped in your lap-he can keep it, it's his.
I hope that you realize there are much happier times in your future girl. You've done an outstanding job.
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Thank you for your kind words Jenny, I have been thinking/concerned about you since you started this thread. I am sending good thoughts your way. Thoughts of peace, safety, and security.
I am very drunk. My stallion/protector, the corollary of your cow and my lion is wanting to see you safe, secure, and protected. I don't see much room for a monkey or rabbit character right now.
Warm hand, Warm breast, Warm heart. I have always seen this in you, so how about extending those traits to yourself.
I don't see getting very drunk as something I would want for a cyber friend. A few drinks, OK.
Please take care of yourself Jenny and don't throw logic out the window. I can imaging some of what you are going through.
she took the word slut and applied it to herself You aren't a slut anymore than I am a dirty old man, for wanting your H to be physically attracted to you.
I don't know if anyone else on this BB has ever gone through an amicable divorce but I have to tell you so far for me it is quite a surreal experience. My H and I sort of instantly half reverted back to relating to each other as people the way we did 20 years ago when we were friends before we got married. We've been telling each other nice encouraging things about how this is a good choice for us. Then we get a bit sentimental and give each other hugs and vow to be friends and co-parents forever. Of course, I am handling all the paperwork etc., so in a weird way it kind of feels like getting a kid packed off to summer camp.
Although, to give my 2BXH some credit, he's being pretty pro-active for him. He pushed me to get the "talking to the kids about it" event over with because he knew that I was dreading it. Neither of the kids were at all upset. My son (18)said that he wasn't surprised. At the end of the discussion when I asked "Are you guys are okay? Is there anything you want to discuss?", my 6'2" fully bearded son said in falsetto sad 8 year old voice "Is it my fault? Do you still love me?" and cracked us all up. My D15 seemed distracted throughout the convo. She was kind of smiling and playing with her hair. She said she was surprised but she understood and was okay with it. Turns out that her primary concern for the day was whether her new bangs looked cute because her 6" something, fully bearded new boyfriend was coming to the house to introduce himself and take her out.
Both of my kids did come up to me independently and give me big hugs later in the day. They also independently made inquiries about the future of the food supply. My S came into the kitchen at one point and said "I guess this means more food for me.". To which I replied "I think this means that you'll have to take another step towards independent living since I'll be quite busy.". His reply was "Hmmm..I think I'll be getting fed. Got any chores for me to do?" followed by a sardonic chuckle. This of course semi-freaked me out with it's implication that I am obviously the kind of woman who has to be feeding someone.
My D went to the grocery store with me later in the day and she asked what I thought the meal arrangement would be. Since I was still a bit miffed with my son's comments I told her that I thought S18 would be eating fast food from now on and she and I would trade off cooking the kind of spicy ethnic food we both enjoy. She thought this was a great idea.
Later my 2BXH said to me "I suppose this means that you won't be packing my lunch for me.". I replied that I didn't think that it would be appropriate. He said "But it would be a nice thing to do.". He had bought himself cashews and jerky for lunch and told our S "I got to get into practice feeding myself.".
My MIL's reaction according to my H was to say "I'm sorry. I still want you and the kids to come to dinner on the 10th. Please tell Mojo that she's always welcome in my home.". My mother's reaction after a moment of faux concern was that she was absolutely delighted. She said "Don't hold this against me if you ever get back together but you are much better off without him. You've been carrying him for years.". My married sister (who knows about our sex problems) reaction was to say "You gotta move to Chicago. There are a lot of horny guys in this city.".
He's going to go look at some apartments on Wednesday and I'm going to file as soon as he has a new address.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
As a guy who grew up in Chicago, I just wanted to hop on your thread and vouch for the "horny guys" comment.
I also wanted to wish you the very best, and send a quick note. For me, what else -- a song lyric. He didn't know what he had in you:
Your everlasting summer You can see it fading fast So you grab a piece of something That you think is gonna last You wouldnt know a diamond If you held it in your hand The things you think are precious I cant understand
Chorus: Are you reelin in the years Stowin away the time Are you gatherin up the tears Have you had enough of mine
You been tellin me youre a genius Since you were seventeen In all the time Ive known you I still dont know what you mean The weekend at the college Didnt turn out like you planned The things that pass for knowledge I cant understand
Chorus
I spend a lot of money And I spent a lot of time The trip we made in hollywood Is etched upon my mind After all the things weve done and seen You find another man The things you think are useless I cant understand
You know, HP is going to be pissed that you did this during Lent.
Oh, Jenny, I, too, am happy and sad for you. Happy because of the possibility of future happiness for you, which didn't seem to have a chance while in your current situation. Sad because, despite the current amicable atmosphere, I know that there will be pain ahead for you. The grieving that accompanies a loss. The hurtful comments that are likely to slip out of both of you. The financial pain.
Through it all, I know you'll endure, and likely flourish.
I guess this means you'll be going to more evening book sales. (Biker bars, too?)
I send comforting thoughts to you, my dear lady, my friend.
Jenny, It sounds positively civil! I remember that feeling of my H just seeing me through his distorted lens, when I knew inside there was so much more to me. I believe with the separation/divorce, your H will begin to see you in a new light. But more importantly, you'll be able to flex the parts of you that have been caged. In that way, change is exciting. I am about 10 percent sad for you and 90 percent happy; maybe it's because I have followed your saga for so long, and maybe it's because a part of me over-identifies with your struggles and wants to see you blossom.
