Last night my monkey gave my cow a shot of that stuff that dries up your breast milk. Basically, I just stopped "taking care" of my H. This didn't amount to doing anything really, just changed the psycological vibe between us. This morning we decided to split. He said that he's been thinking about it for a long time but was sort of trying to work at things out of gratitude for my cow-like care. He said he just simply does not want to fulfill the stereotypical male role in a relationship. That's just not who he is. He said that he's been trying because he knows that's what society expects from him but it's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole for him. He told me that he thought that I had made it as easy for him to make the attempt as any woman could but it just wasn't right for him. He said he felt that way in his previous relationships and unfortunately committing to a marriage and working at it for almost 20 years hasn't made a difference.
I think that he has tried to tell me this before but I always eventually responded with tears or at least protests that we could work our square peg and round hole together in some way. Today I just sort of smiled with acceptance. Anyway, I think we're going to have the most amicable divorce on record. My H detailed all the ways in which he hoped we could still be friends and co-parents and I agreed. We got a little teary and sentimental but we just hugged each other as friends and then we laughed and admitted that we both felt like a huge load had been lifted from our shoulders.
My biggest concern is our kids but the fact of the matter is that they really aren't all that kidlike anymore. My son is halfway moved out and my D although still in high school is actually more mature. I think that is why I was able to finally "sedate" my cow. The level at which I was feeling "needed" has dropped to the point that I can think about what I "want". It's like when I stopped drinking when they were little because I was always worried that something bad would happen to them and I wouldn't be alert enough to save them. One day I realized that they were old enough to avoid falling down a staircase even if I wasn't hyper-vigilant so I allowed myself to start having a couple drinks again.
I'm sure none of this is really making sense, I am sort of wigged out. However, I definitely think it is for the best. After I sedated the cow last night, I had a vision of my bunny and my monkey dancing happily together and I thought about "free-form movement". Free-form movement was something I invented with some friends when I was in college. My friends and I would go out at night and stand in a circle in a public place and invite strangers passing by to join us. One person in the circle would move their body in whatever way they chose and then everyone in the circle would follow their lead and then the next person would start the movement. Everyone was so happy to participate. I remember that I once wrote here that my husband had killed the free-form movement in me. Not true. I killed the free-form movement in me. I did it because I thought I had to kill it to protect my children. So now my free movement is away from this marriage.
I love you guys so much. Thank you for all you have done for me.
P.S.- I'm not going away. I just felt like saying that.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo, I'm sad for you and happy for you at the same time. Brave decision that makes a LOT of sense.
An amicable divorce is CERTAINLY the way to go-- there is no need for either of you to punish the other one. I know couples who have split and when they have met new partners, actually became kind of an extended family.
I think you have done anything anyone could to make this work-- and I'm so glad he acknowledged it. It has seemed, reading your posts, like shoving a square pet into a round hole-- perfect description. He probably could have done more on his side, but speaking as a 4, it is very hard to drag yourself out of the negative 4 place. One has to be VERY motivated like me with my 30 years of therapy, meditation workshops, yoga, constant reading and seeking (and he is not like that). It's no crime not to be a seeker, but if you're a non-functional 4, you can go down and stay down and drag everyone down with you. (Ask my first husband.)
I predict that this will not be as painful as you might anticipate. There will be ups and downs-- expect them. And expect them to come and go for a year or more. Sadness, nostalgia, achiness... but I predict those emotions will be vastly outweighed by relief, freedom, anticipation, exhilaration, and optimism.
Keep us posted on your state of mind... always glad to hear what's going on with you.
Your kids are going to be JUST FINE, especially if you and H remain friends.
Sorry to hear about this, but like you, a little relieved too. It is hard to see what else you could have done. I actually think the only hope for the two of you is to split. I can’t see any other way his is going to grow. Whether you are interested in him at that point is another matter, that’s his choice. Go make yourself happy.
I sure wish I could have talked to your hubby. I would like to have told him that he wasn't going to find what he thinks he is missing, and what a gem he has in you.
I predict that you will move on, and he will find himself confused when he discovers that love is what you make of it, not what you find in a can of chemicals.
You know I wish you all the best. You are an incredible woman Mojo. You are made of the stuff that inspires writers to write.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
{{{{{{Jenny)))))) I'm both happy and sad for you. I suspect your H is the loser in this, as he'll probably be just a s disfunctional in future relationships unless he gets to work on himself, and now that you are splitting, he has even less motivation to work on himself. I keep thinking to myself how surreal the whole convo must have been for you.
((((Jenny)))) Good vibes to you from over the water. I think it is the right thing to do and it is so great that the two of you can be grown up about it. I like the fact that he said you had made as easy as any woman could.
You and your H did fine by your family and now it's time to say cheerio.
lots of luck
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
now that you are splitting, he has even less motivation to work on himself
Actually, in a weird sort of way, I think just the opposite is true. I think the only hope for Mr. Mojo is to be in something of a relationship vacuum for a while with no female to please, to perform for, to live up to, or to disappoint. The question is whether he has the intestinal fortitude to go it alone for a while without either still looking to Mojo for emotional goodies or finding someone else to "take care of" him.
He probably should go on that reality program where they stick guys in a monastery for a while. And stay on a juice fast while he's there.
