It's Over

[MJontheMend]

Last night my monkey gave my cow a shot of that stuff that dries up your breast milk. Basically, I just stopped "taking care" of my H. This didn't amount to doing anything really, just changed the psycological vibe between us. This morning we decided to split. He said that he's been thinking about it for a long time but was sort of trying to work at things out of gratitude for my cow-like care. He said he just simply does not want to fulfill the stereotypical male role in a relationship. That's just not who he is. He said that he's been trying because he knows that's what society expects from him but it's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole for him. He told me that he thought that I had made it as easy for him to make the attempt as any woman could but it just wasn't right for him. He said he felt that way in his previous relationships and unfortunately committing to a marriage and working at it for almost 20 years hasn't made a difference.

I think that he has tried to tell me this before but I always eventually responded with tears or at least protests that we could work our square peg and round hole together in some way. Today I just sort of smiled with acceptance. Anyway, I think we're going to have the most amicable divorce on record. My H detailed all the ways in which he hoped we could still be friends and co-parents and I agreed. We got a little teary and sentimental but we just hugged each other as friends and then we laughed and admitted that we both felt like a huge load had been lifted from our shoulders.

My biggest concern is our kids but the fact of the matter is that they really aren't all that kidlike anymore. My son is halfway moved out and my D although still in high school is actually more mature. I think that is why I was able to finally "sedate" my cow. The level at which I was feeling "needed" has dropped to the point that I can think about what I "want". It's like when I stopped drinking when they were little because I was always worried that something bad would happen to them and I wouldn't be alert enough to save them. One day I realized that they were old enough to avoid falling down a staircase even if I wasn't hyper-vigilant so I allowed myself to start having a couple drinks again.

I'm sure none of this is really making sense, I am sort of wigged out. However, I definitely think it is for the best. After I sedated the cow last night, I had a vision of my bunny and my monkey dancing happily together and I thought about "free-form movement". Free-form movement was something I invented with some friends when I was in college. My friends and I would go out at night and stand in a circle in a public place and invite strangers passing by to join us. One person in the circle would move their body in whatever way they chose and then everyone in the circle would follow their lead and then the next person would start the movement. Everyone was so happy to participate. I remember that I once wrote here that my husband had killed the free-form movement in me. Not true. I killed the free-form movement in me. I did it because I thought I had to kill it to protect my children. So now my free movement is away from this marriage.

I love you guys so much. Thank you for all you have done for me.

P.S.- I'm not going away. I just felt like saying that.