You ask some tough questions, questions that I have asked myself many times over for the past several years.
My wife in her current state has no redeeming qualities. I am not attracted to her as she is today (when I say today I'm talking about over the years when she basically began dominating the marriage). As I move away from the weak person that I had became, and the me that I used to be emerges, I question my entire motivation for attempting a reconsiliation. My hope is that she'll see the changes that I'm making and it'll motivater her to change.
I am not sure that my wife has the maturity, strength, or character to bring about change in herself. It takes an adult who's comfortable with his/her self, recognizes the fact that they are not perfect, have never been perfect, will never be perfect, and that they can and will make mistakes--they have to allow themselves to make mistakes, to recognize their faults, to accept who they are and who they want to become. They have to be free within themselves to bring about change. The very first thing that one has to do to learn something is to admit that they don't know. The very first thing that has to be done to work on a problem is to recognize that there is a problem. No addict has ever had their addiction cured by someone else, the cure came from within them. I am no longer sure that my wife has this capability; she only speaks in definites and she lives in the past. As I stated earlier, I will be a better person on the other side of this regardless of what happens with my marriage. I also know that I will not go back to what we've had over the last several years which means that we're both going to have to change.
Yes, my son does play into my decision making process. It will be a cold a** day in hell before my child doesn't live under my roof 24/7. She wants out for HER happiness and wants a divorce for HER reasons, no problem, hit the door, but I'll be damned if my son is going. She wasn't sure about herself and her commitment in our marriage she shouldn't have had a child with me. What makes her desires or gripes any more better or worthy than mine? Not a damned thing. No offense to anyone out there that's a step dad or mom as I know many and several of my neices and nephews have filled these roles, and they are all fine people, but I don't believe that another man (should my wife and I divorce and she were to remarry) needs or should be allowed to spend as much time (or many times, more time once the courts make a decision)with my son as I'm allowed. No other man can teach my son what I know and think is important in life.
This legal "no fault" divorce process is a complete disaster in my opinion. I know that I'll here the smarta**es say that someone in my wife's position should be allowed to divorce (the same people never take into account that I too have been in this position for seven years and I'd still like to work on my marriage). This business about getting a divorce because you're unhappy or you're no longer in love, blah, blah, blah is BS. Boo fking hoo. I hate that anyone is not happy in their marriage or that anyone is no longer "in love" with their spouse, but you know what--grow up, be an adult and stop thinking of only yourself. You're not happy then that is you responsibility.
My mother and father raised four boys in a stable and loving home and they had been married sixty-five years when my father passed. I would be a fool and anyone else would be also to think that in sixty-five years of marriage my mother and/or father never once thought about throwing in the towel for many reasons. It would also be foolish to believe that my mother and father were completely "in love" with one another every day, week, year of those sixty-five years of marriage. I am sure that many conversations and disagreements went on in that sixty-five year span that I nor my three brothers will ever know about or that we ever suspected while living under their roof. They made a choice. They weren't quitters. Today, we're soft; we like instant gratification; we're bombarded daily with Me Me Me advertising; we've bought into, including myself, this pop culture disposable society.
Anyone that does not recognize this "no fault" divorce business as an industry is fooling themselves. I'm a marketing/business analyst, and when my wife started this divorce issue I began looking at the business of divorce. I applied the same skills and research methods to the divorce business that I'd use to examine a business or verify the success or failure of a marketing venture. Let me tell you, divorce is a very lucritive and profitable business for some people and business is damn good. Business gets better yearly and has grown at a very, very good clip. If I could find a publically traded company growing at this rate, with judicially guaranteed profits and backing (as the divorce system enjoys) I'd put a few thousand into it and retire very comfortably in 5-10 years.
As you can see Karen, I'm not at all for divorcing, possibly loseing my son (as in not possibly having him in my house all the time), and breaking my family apart over my wife's "feelings". I have feelings too, and hers aren't any more important or valueable than mine are.
