8, I want to share something Grasshopper posted a while back. Just food for thought. It's long but worth the read whether you agree with GH or not:
"So many times on these threads we see poeple decrying what their spouses did to them and how they just can't seem to get past it, to forgive them their trespasses. They keep saying "But she broke her vows. She f--cked another man" as if that somehow gives them exclusive dominion over the choice to leave the marriage. It's almost like the WAS flipped a switch, starting an inevitable process that ends in divorce, or at least that's how many LBS's seem to portray their feelings about the sitch. They feel that things are irreparable when in fact they are not.
The simple, inescapable fact is that for most, and I stress MOST WAS's, the end of the marriage is at least as justified (and thus the affair) or MORE justified due to the months/ years of "broken" vows THEY feel WE broke. Remember, the one about sleeping with another man/woman is not the only vow exchanged although many of us would like to think it is, or at least the most important of them. Many LBS's think it is the most important but when you stack two or three of them together, say loving, honoring, cherishing, in good times and bad, etc. then that one about forsaking all others seems to be out-gunned from the perspective of the WAS. All of a sudden, for the WAS, forsaking doesn't seem so bad when you feel unloved, un-cherished and not honored in the least, let alone respected....
Something has been taken away in our marriages. We were hurt beyond our ability to express but we CANNOT forget that our spouses were hurt too, probably long before we were and whether we agree or not, they fully believe our transgressions of the pact of marriage, in the form of broken vows, gives them as much right to vacate the marrage as we think their infidelity does us.
We are not right any more than they are, nor are we necessarily in more pain than they are. We are simply on the receiving end of the broken vow with the highest visibility and worst PR spin.
Bottom line is that you wither want to save your marrage or not. You can't control whether your spouse does or not. Obviously they cheated on you, or at least had an EA at this point so they are leaning the other way. You either want to nudge them back your way or the other, it's your choice but please realize that at some point, it IS your choice to make. You HAVE to decide one way or the other because to make no decision, to commit to doing nothing is the worst affront to yourself you can make.
Lastly, and maybe most offensivly, that part about them sleeping with another women/man being the deal breaker...sorry to be so rude/crude/heartless but I have never seen so many virgin brides/husbands in my life than those gathered here. Come on people, they slept with people before you and as long as they come back clean there really is no difference other than they promised they wouldn't do that after they married you...what did YOU promise them?
I can't say in the end if your efforts will be successful if you do all this DB stuff but what I can say is that if you don't decide you want to save your marriage, and commit to doing whatever you can to achieve that goal, you won't be successful in doing so.
Just remember this last thing; by choosing to save your marriage, you are really choosing to save yourself first"
