You know, I am WYSIWYG, on the concrete side most of the times. If NOP said to invite BB to a dance and go if she refused, knowing NOP, I would take it at face value. Do step "A" then step "B" I know Iam too readable most times to most people that if I did talk about going to a dance w or w/o Bb I would appear to be going to flirt or maybe do more.
Jenny's cow, monkey is more theoretical/implied. You have to read into her models to fit your situation. I like them though.
About implied meaning, look at all the comotion that came out of me teasing LFL about pulling her hair in some exchanges where I said "If I would ever consider being her partner (theory only) I would pull her hair, if that is what she wanted.
I seem to have a long standing problem, that if i imply or tease about somethings, I get taken seriously and it causes bigger problems.
I also know being tooo readable lets the OP have more controll than I think is good for the both of us. They can read me and I am mostly guessing. I am getting better at reading the situations.
You know, I am WYSIWYG, on the concrete side most of the times.
As Dr. Phil would say, "So how's that working out for you?"
Do step "A" then step "B" I know Iam too readable most times to most people that if I did talk about going to a dance w or w/o Bb I would appear to be going to flirt or maybe do more.
So what are you saying here? Are you going to scope out some women or not?
Quote: -------------------------------------------------- My next project for myself is how to do something like the dance situation w/o coming across like I am out looking for an OW or a string of "just friends females." --------------------------------------------------
You accomplish that by demonstration. You go out and have a good time, and you come home alone. If you aren't looking, it will become apparent to BB. In the mean time, it won't hurt for her to have to wonder a bit. Please note, this would NOT be what I would recommend to other people. It does fit your situation however.
Don't get her permission to go out. Just do it and invite her at the last minute. That shows that you can be spontaneous and prevents her from having time to control the situation. That will unbalance the relationship, and potentially cause her to re-engage.
If you are not happy with sitting, shopping, being cared for less than the animals, and being coerced into living in a patio home, then you take the lead and mark out a plan for your life. Negotiate a mutually satisfying relationship with your wife once you have demonstrated your seriousness.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
If you aren't looking, it will become apparent to BB. In the mean time, it won't hurt for her to have to wonder a bit. Please note, this would NOT be what I would recommend to other people. It does fit your situation however.
I'm quite surprised you are recommending this at all Nop. I mean why is Lou any different? Isn't he in a SSM, isn't he vulnerable to the affections of others when his spouse is not meeting his needs? What if some wonderful woman similar to Lou in age, interests, etc really wants to dance with him. What then? Why put himself in that position at all?
What if some wonderful woman similar to Lou in age, interests, etc really wants to dance with him. LFL, Hi. The dancing part isn't a problem for me. What I have a problem with is the apperance of looking for female "just friends" and what if it felt so good to have someone thats my peer, really want me, and me liking it more than I should.
I could see an EA starting in short time. I know nothing would happen because of the guilt/ethics factor that resides within me.
Sometimes I thought about all of the lonely women on this forum and felt a little too attached/attracted but had enough of a moral compas to not take it any much farther than would have been good for anyone of us. I can tease and I can show empathy.
I had one woman mail me saying a group of the posters were having an EA by posting our inner thoughts/feelings. I reminded her that I was saying honestly how I felt, within the group, and we all had an understanding that we would be honest, avoid leaving out important information, but we were really working on our respective relationships, not trying to hook up.
I said , If any of the women lived close enough for me to go to see them I wouldn't post. Maybe the dance thing feels like close, and I am treading on dangerous ground.
So, I see some of your point LFL, and I see NOP's point. Upsetting the snowball, cow-pie cart (that is waht we heve here in MT) :0 is what needs to be done some more.
I think I can do that by going back to the weight watchers group and walking more. A little of cart upsetting is happening when we attend church functions.
I am way over the "no one would want me" and sort of told BB if "no one would want me" in her eyes, that is fine with me. She doesn't really know what some other people want and she has a false sense of how things work IRL.
The dance thing might work, but I have to get better at being poker faced and not throwing off "looking for OW" vibes to the point it would cause long term damage.
I know I can do most of this cart jousting with something like the weight group and me spiffing up a little more.
I still like the dance thing though.
I have several service calls to go on. By for a while.
Quote: ------------------------------------- I'm quite surprised you are recommending this at all Nop -------------------------------------
No one is suggesting that he have an affair. In fact, I very much doubt that he would be dancing without his wife more than once.
Like I said, advice not for public consumption.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
In fact, I very much doubt that he would be dancing without his wife more than once. You have that right NOP.
I just wanted to say the woman that mailed me, saying a bunch of us were having EA's because were posting our inner feelings, was not someone anyone here knows.
I'm glad you liked my squares, Lou. I think Nop's idea for you is excellent. I was actually independently thinking of doing something similar myself. Since my H's response to my request to start having a "date night" was along the lines of "can't you do that stuff with friends", I've decided that my answer is "yes". So starting this week I'm going to have a Saturday night date with a girlfriend or myself and I'm not leaving dinner.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think the dancing thing is a terrific idea. Lou, if you go with the firm commitment to YOURSELF that NOTHING inappropriate will happen, it won't. Affairs, even EA's don't just happen. They happen because somewhere someone left a door or a window open just enough to let someone else into a zone that was reserved for the spouse. If you are aware of that... and Lou, I'm very sure that you are, there is NO danger. In my younger days, I sometimes tried to get the attention of a firmly married man, and it cannot be done. There has to be a chink open somewhere. Now, granted, Lou is in an SSM, but he is extremely AWARE of what is the line that must not be crossed. I think the the whole thing will blow BB off dead center pronto!
So what if she accuses you, Lou-- YOU'LL know it's not true. And if she wants to see for herself, she can join you.
Lou, if you go with the firm commitment to YOURSELF that NOTHING inappropriate will happen, it won't. I could do that easily.
Affairs, even EA's don't just happen. They happen because somewhere someone left a door or a window open just enough to let someone else into a zone When I first posted here, I thought EA's happened because both people sought them. Then after posting here a while and developing some empathy for some posters, I started to see my venerability. I think if you lived across the street from me, I would have had to leave the forum, so in a way I know what you are saying about being aware of the part of a person that has the hooks out there to snag on something, gets caught and tangles him/herself in an A.
In my younger days, I sometimes tried to get the attention of a firmly married man, and it cannot be done.. Before this forum, and another forum I read and post on, I didn't think that happened much. I see more instances of it on one forum I have read. I was reading the "Other Woman" forum for a while. Pre, back-surgery, I would have never guessed about what can happen and how it happens. Now I know about some things.
There has to be a chink open somewhere. Yes, but don't many of posters have some form of chink in our R's, even if our primary intent is to repair what we have.
I didn’t have much of a chink that I could see, that might lead to some form of an A, but I did have needs for a long time.
I remember posting one time that if someone showed up in an hour, I might consider going with them. I suppose all talk, because like your catholic upbringing, doing certain things is considered very low class/immoral, in addition to all of the trouble it would cause.
It was mostly when I felt not much would change i our R, that is when I really saw the chinks in my and other people's R.
I guess, I can report on some good things that happened after I sort of gave up on a R with BB being something that was attainable. It took a while, but the more I pulled away, the more she did for the R. I think me pulling away, caused me to see the potential chink. Maybe giving up on something I wanted and wanted it my way was just admitting to the chink.
Yes I know there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. Believe it or not, I was a more of a prude/reserved than you were when I was younger. No dates in HS, few dates after HS because I had myself and my mother to support.
In one post you said you would have been thrown out of the house if you got PG. At a similar age, I had enough responsibilities so fooling around to me meant taking on more potential responsibilities.
If I was responsible then, I can surely be responsible now.
I think the whole thing will blow BB off dead center pronto! I am sure it will. I have heard BB say she would be history if she was the W of some of the public figures that have gf's/OW.
Somehow I would expect a blow up then reality might sink in, and she would see her way to pay more attention to our R. That is after she would tell everyone about my dancing ladies regardless of what really happened.
