Harmonic Divergence

[Lord Grenville]

Don't disappear from the R in an attempt to be "nice" and give her lots of room. It's okay to act like you care what happens to the relationship. In fact, it's really important that you be present and visible, kwim?

Hi everyone,

I've gotten so much good advice, I've been trying to re-read my entire thread again.

Lillieperl, or anyone else, could you talk more about the idea expressed above? (BTW what does KWIM mean? I don't see it on the abbreviations lists.)

The last two days, I have been trying to act calm and friendly with W when we have been dealing at the banks getting accounts straightened out. My W seemed appreciative of that. We have shared a couple of dinners where I have communicated my desire to work on the relationship (without sounding too needy or clingy - I think)

In the past 24 hours, I have taken some steps to GAL. Last night I told W that I was going to go see the film: "Babel" on my own, so I "could experience some new images and storylines". Today I bought a new Claiborne shirt for my job interview in Boston tomorrow. I will be away for almost the entire day Saturday, and she will be going down to visit with her brother, SIL, and our nephew.

What I am struggling with, is part of me feels like I will make the most changes in my life if she moves out for awhile. But some of the DB advice indicates that if she stays, she's more likely to notice changes I make, and I don't want a separation which would enable her affair to blossom more easily.

Since we will both be in town tonight, should I again try to find something that I do on my own? There's a candlepin bowling alley across the street I've never tried in 2 1/2 years of living here.
My logical brain lobe is saying that if I go out alone again, she will feel I don't care about how she is feeling, or it will give her a chance to e-mail or call OM

I have really begun to realize how blind I have been to the image I have been projecting of myself, to my wife. I know this is the most important thing I need to be improving and working on now.

In the MC session last week, our C summarized at the end of the 90+ minutes, that she thought my asking W to end communications with her "friend" was very appropriate, but she suggested in exchange my wife might expect me to stop all snooping and controlling behaviors. Neither of us committed to this proposal that night
I was a little peeved that the C proposed this, instead of letting my wife come up with a position on her own. Of course, even if my wife verbally agrees to end contact with OM, I do not trust that she will. Even if a letter and e-mail and phone call are made, I get the feeling it is very likely she will continue the relationship.

So, my other question is: Do I agree to the proposal, to stop snooping just to get W to "offically" agree to end her relationship? I do know the snooping is causing me anxiety and draining energy, so it probably would do me good.

Please be the breeze to set Lord Grenville's ship on course again...