Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[Underdog]

Hi Sage!

It's been a long time... I popped in to post to H2H and meandered down to find your update. (((Sage))) It's hard having a baby, juggling a full time job and trying to maintain a marriage and still have time for yourself, isn't it? It didn't take me long to remember being in your shoes, and I remember how tough it was.

You seem to have figured most of this out and have an idea of your plan of attack. Kudos to your list... and I'm sure you have it broken out into tasks that are measurable and achievable.

Since I know you're the model here, I guess I want to go back to DB basics with you. You can stick your tongue out at me if you'd like!

First step is the resentment that is pouring from your post. You and your H seem hell bent on keeping score for that free time. PLEASE know this is not a judgment call, because Mr. W. and I got caught up in the same trap too. From where I sit, you are both crying out for "me" time, yet compiling a list of how much you do and how little the other does. Stop it!

Let me tell you a funny snippet--and it's only funny to me now. During one of my pleas for free time and bartering for it, Mr. W. told me, "I don't understand why you need more time away. You got enough ME time when you went to the grocery store earlier today." I thought he was kidding (he wasn't).

Right now, I think it would be a good idea to assume that he needs WOA and validation--even though you may not feel like he does much to contribute to the running of your household. It all goes back to a theory I know you know well and embrace: WHAT YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS.

You're focusing on all the negative that he's bringing to your R right now, and he's all to happy to give you proof by wearing those expecatations out on your sleeve and projecting your resentment.

Don't get me wrong, Sage. I firmly believe in asking for what you want. But just make sure that the spirit of that conversation is all about love and not about forcing him to give you something he might not want to give you.

That being said... you remember what resentment is all about, right? Resentment occurs when you expect someone else to fill needs that are yours to meet. Cheryl Richardson (whom I have come to really love) makes a point of telling us to step up the self care when we're in this trap. The important thing is for you not to wait for him to offer to watch Charlotte... or to find you a sitter... or to schedule your self care. You take the bull by the horns and start meeting your needs. Once he sees you prioritizing yourself, he'll undoubtedly follow suit.

Now, I have to admit that I'm with Ellie in the late camp. Sage, they don't mean to be inconsiderate. Mr. W. still tells me when he's late, "What did you expect me to do? Be rude and tell my boss that I need to cut off the conversation to pick up the girls?" You, Ellie and the rest of the women here see this as obvious, but they don't. Expecting them to think outside that box is unrealistic. So, what can YOU do to change your outlook on this one?

I can tell you what helped me, and it might work for you. I send myself some friendly self chatter. I tell myself, "You know that he's not deliberately trying to pi$$ you off, right? And you love those girls enough to step up to the plate and be the mom on-duty, right? Well, then just get moving. You'll figure it out." I'm not discounting that he might be exhibiting some P/A behavior to "show you who's the boss of him". If there is any chance it is, the only way to get this to cease is to stop trying to control what you can't. I'm not saying you shouldn't expect courtesy, Sage. But you can't force someone to be courteous--the only thing you can do is point out to him after the fact, "H, I feel hurt and angry when you say you're going to be home at X and you're not only late, you don't let me know so I can change my plans."

This is enough to start on--so tell me what he IS doing right? And what are YOU doing right?

Sage, raising small children is HARD work. You couldn't pay me enough money to have toddlers again! What are the expecations and routines that are not serving your family best? Can you change how you view certain activities to accommodate the specialness of your own family? For example, I used to try my darndest to get my kids to bed by a specific time... so much so that our routine held us hostage to meet this self imposed bedtime hour. I realized at some point that getting them to bed by XXX was a nice guideline for people who didn't have my grueling schedule. Once I let go of trying to control that outcome, our routine settled in more comfortably and I became a little nicer person to be around. Wish I had known about this BB back then...

Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself. There aren't any manuals to help, and the only thing you can do is tell yourself that change is on the way. THAT is a given!

Okay, time to give you back the floor.

Betsey