Cherrish, Thanks for stopping by sweetie, your thoughtfullness means so much to me. I hope your life is going well too. I looked for an update on you and could not find one. Take care sweetie. God bless,,, Ali
I sit here by myself feeling like I really miss my H . Is this why he left so he could get a break and make me feel this way? I dont think so but that is the effect it has had on me. It amazes me that thru all the pain I stil love him so much. I sit and wonder does he think oif me often or not? I imagine he does but he has alot to do and HIS FAMILY TO KEEP HIS THOUGTS OCCUPIED. I keep myself busy as well but I do think of him when I have time to myself which I alot seeing as I do not work when he does not.
I just pray that he is being a loyal and faithful husband. His track record is not so good,,,his excuses are tooooooooooooo many and he knows how to lie to keep me from crying. I dunno how he lives with the guilt. To be perfectly honest. I think it haunts him the things he has done to hurt our M. The other day he told me he is tired of his old life and looking for someone basically. And I felt as thpough I would pass out when he said this. I thought well how wonderful that you are tired of looking now that we have been married ten years. Sorry to be so honest but sometimes I dunno why I never stop loving him. There is just something that makes me keep loving and forgive and keep love in my heart and keep trying to be what he needs. But I did say this past time that this is enough and that I would trust him like I used to until he proved me wrong ,, then and there I would decide what I needed to do. I will say that if he does this again I do not think I could do it again ,,,
.....I dunno if I would have the strength to keep my resolve ......
<<<<<< I am only HUMAN>>
and forgive an indescretion again.
..... He has commited far toooooooooooooooooo many and then everyone around him likes to talk about him and tell everyone stories and we live in a relatively small town. So all his stuff comes to me and slaps me in the face. I know you all came in quickly to his rescue and to mine thanks sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch to tell me not to believe these stories so I just let them go like I never heard them but I do think about it a little bit but not enough ,,thank God ,,to hurt me too much. One rumor was that he has another house and a child in Mexico and I dunno if I can believe that one but it hits me in the face every now and again. I heard of this @ 5 years ago too and then I did tell him what others were saying and he was unresponsive so it seemed like his conscious was clean to me and I let it go.
I wonder what I did that was soo bad too deserve all this struggle and pain. I surely know that I do not want for my daughters or my sons to feel the pain I have felt. And I know I cannot keep them sheltered to keep this pain from them indefinitely.
I sit here trying to calm my nerves by posting here but I just feel negativeness coming out of me. Maybe this comes from things going well with my H and me letting go and just wanting to vent a little. I have alot of respect for my H ( duh otherwise I would have done what he did and plus I repsect myself to much to do that to myself or him ) and do not want to make him sound like an ogre but how has hurt me so much while he was searching for something to fill the void I left. He has hurt me in way thsat is indescribable to any human heart one of my close friends has said he has done everything but try to kill you how much can you take? that hurt me to hear.
.... and yet I feel like I could never reach his heart cause he didnt let me in he pulled real hard but he really never wanted me to love him cause instead of pulling closer he walked away and looked for someone to fill himself. NOT GOOD....
I can tell when he is home that he loves me and he does tell me he misses me when he is gone but he gives up before he tries harder. Instead of fighting for my heart he just puts his hands up when he feels............. frustrated.
I feel frustrated right now but I will keep fighting while I still have breath in me and as long as he is willing to be a part of me. Why does this have to be soooooooooooooo darn hard? I dunno,, to make it feel sweeter when I get the love I need?
I wish God would just come sit next to me and show me what is on my H 's heart( am I written all over it or not?????),, it would make my fight so much sweeter. You know..... I would put my gloves on and be ready to fight harder!!!!!
I am still ready for this but I am feeling a little melancholy and need a boost. God shine your light on me please , please. God bless...
I cant pretend I do not love you so much that to be without you would be like not having life in me or air to breathe. You are so much a part of my life and my heart,, I love you more than words can say and I need to show you this grand love I feel. God please help me to show you. I am sure if you could just feel all the love I have for you and only you....you would feel like you were walking on clouds everyday. I really do love you that much and I am going to try like hell to show you my love instead of just feeling how beautiful it is in my heart. It does me no good here in me you need it.... God bless,,,
I am here again typing about my feelings,,, feelings that are so messed up that I need a compass to find my way out. Sad but true. I have been told once again that he is being nice but in no way has he forgotten that I do not show him love I just talk about it and words , words and words. That he doesnt care about words they do not mean anything to him. It is not that he doe snot care about me it is that I never show him what I feel.
I feel alot of presssure,, I feel like when he comes I will just freeze up like always. I feel like he loves me and I just keep falling short.
it seemed to set him off when I told him I mised him,,, he said they are only words and he does not believe me, that when I have him here I do not show him. And he will not come home right now cause there is no work, there is nothing for him here and he will just be arguing with me,,, Wow. he may as well have slapped me. His children are here,, dont they count at least? Heart breaking really but I will not take responsibility for that. I cant give him love or make love to him thru the phone and touch his soul with my love sooooo.... I guess my kids pay for me being not as passionate as I am supposed to be for protecting myself far too much. For being scrared. He forgets I have had to take at least 2 HIV tests in our ten years ( b/c he shared himself with another)and he had to take a DNA test cause he may have gotten someone pregnant. God please help me to let go and stop this,,
I guess I should have not told him I missed him so so much. That if I miss him when he his here why do I not show it. I said I hace acknowledged that I have done this and I told you why,,, I do not feel so beautiful sometimes,, I feel like I am not good enough for you. ( he has had many affairs) He said it is rididculous of me to not feel beautiful or good enough for him when what do 10 years mean to me?????And Then he throws in my face that I was married before and this is his first M. My first M was horribly painful.. long story and yet it is used as a punishment of sorts for him against me.
I told him when I met him that I loved him but he should go sow his wild oats and I would wait for him b/c I did not want for years later for him to feel like he lost out on something. And this is basically what he his telling me.
He says I make no sense.....
let it go.... I remember almost 11 years ago now when I met him I was different.
I knew I was special,, a lady,, I felt sexy. I felt secure. I felt him and his love was so strong. I dunno how the connection was so strong. I could not help but fall in love with him. I had never met anyone so special like him. He made feel flawless like a priceless gem. he lifted me up and I guess It felt so good. I was in tune with my sexuality and I loved to show him how good he made me feel by making love to him. He was so good to me and I trusted him like no other...... I get a little of that old me and I can feel her coming back some but I need to find her faster than that and just let myself be me. I am scared I will never get that back so so scared to be honest.
Perfect strangers actually walk up to me and tell me I am beautiful,, But I really and truly do not feel that way all the time. Most of the time I feel like I am not enough and I am so damn sick of it.
I bare my soul to him and he says my feelings are ridiculius,,, ok.
I think I am focusing to much on that he is my H. And expecting him to lift me up when I fall and then if he should fall I can likewise lift him up. So like someone wise here once told me treat him like your boyriend and just let go.
I think I will adopt that mentality again for awhile. I feel so let down when my H of ten years would tell me what I feel is ridiculous when he hears my feelings and yet when I hear his no matter how ridiculius they may seem to me I validate them and get up and try harder.
I will keep trying to find me and keep building myself up and I will see if I can get it right.
Is it possible that even if I surrender and make love with abandon he will still keep his heart locked up?????
Make love with abandon and then get hurt again???? I guess I will just need to surrender and let go and if he does hurt me again at least I will have beautiful memories...... letting go of what he MAY do is the hardest part for me... I need to look at is as though we have just begun..... and explore him and just do what I want to without hesitation.
I keep talking over and over about the same damn thing..... Let it go ... let it go....
STOP BEING AFRAID.......... is it ok to love me and love me some more. It all boils down to just that.
Where do I find my sexuality,,, where do I find the old me and the feeling sensual? My DR said it is all mostly in my brain that until I can trust I will not allow myself to be vulnerable. that is scary..... So that means I need to let go and just know just feel the love and trust it.
I feel it come up in me a little bit every now and then and then it just disappears. it is truly frustrating. because once I am making love it is so beautiful. I think I will look it up on the internet today.
It consumes my thoughts. I have a few books and it ( my sexuality) is still underneath all the layers of years of hurt.
I am better and yet my sensuality has not magicaly reappeared,,,, I want to feel how I used to. Still trying.... God bless...
Iam feeling angry. And wondering why I feel this way. I am still taking my Lexapro and let me tell you it helps so much.So I feel like all these newer emotions that I am having are from me just starting to breathe and really be alive.I am in love with my H and want him more nw than ever and also I am mad at him too for taking the route he took cause he felt I did not love him. I am looking forward to the day when I do not have to feel so many emotions and just know and just be but does that ever realy happen? In cases like this where there has been so much pain? I am really doing this you all I am no longer waiting and just hoping for the best I amtrying to make it the best. I realize I can be me and not try to be super perfect and shine and just smile and be here and its ok. I dunno what tommorrow may bring and I feel like I wanna run and get to where I need to be and just hold onto it and saty there for awhile. I dunno if passion will just Overflow in me and my H will feel the difference in me but I do hope that God helps me and I can just be sensual and shine... I want to feel desire and also not feel like I am being a fool for loving a man who will lie with other women. That it is ok that I have forgiven him and that he will not take it lightly and he will love me with care,, I am still a little scared and I am also not using it for a shield. I used tohide behind my fear now I am very much looking at it in the face and trying actively to push it out and just feel and then let it go.
I did my more of the same behaviors I am ashamed to admit and I looked over with great care my H cell phone bill and called two numbers he called while he was in Mexico with our son and he called them several times in the wee hours of the morning the night of my Birthday of all nites.... he only called it that one day and I also know ( he doesnt know I saw a reciept in his wallet when he came home drink one nite and the contents were all over the floor he had gone to strip club that nite when he was in Mexico) he was at a strip club that nite. So what conclusions do I draw,, dumb I know!!!! He has had trouble with drugs in the past so I could just assume he was trying to get a fix to self medicate himself.Two things I will state I do not have a problem with him doing these 2 things when he sees fit but he knows I DO expect him to respect me. One answered and it was a man and the other was a Woman/couple? ( she was talking to someone in the back before she said hello) feel anxious and assume the owrst or stop my mund and let it go. One thing I have alreday decided is I for sure wil not mention this to him he hates when I do not trut him and I think it makes him justify his bad decisions So sorry you all to let you down and air my dirty laundry but I need someone to analyze me and hit with a 2x4 we hardly get any hear in tis forum and I am not complaining but I do very much need one.
Will post more later I am off to lunch with my aunt and a couple Martinis will do me good?!... Love you all and as always God bless...
I can understand why part of you wants to give it all to your H, and part of you is still angry with him for the choices he made. It's understandable, but I don't think it's going to take you where you want to go.
It sounds like you need to make a decision. Either trust him completely, or don't trust him at all. There's not much middle ground on that. Either way I suggest you stop looking at the telephone statements to see who he might have called. Everyone on this board will tell you that spying is a dead end street, unless your compiling evidence for D. The fact that he only called that number on one night, when he was probably drunk, should tell you that most of the time he's got his senses together. If it was a OW, he'd have called back many times.
So, make your decision. Either trust him, and give it all, or don't trust him and keep it all. If you give it all, you risk it all. If you keep it all, you'll have all of you, but little of him. I say, give the man another chance. Trust him completely, give yourself to him completely. Don't let fear shackle your heart forever. Take the risk, let yourself be vulnerable. You may get hurt again, but you'll have no chance of having the intimate R you want without a little risk.
I can understand the fear. He's been with OW. But it sure sounds like he's done with that, and want's YOU. If this was a habitual thing with him, going from one OW to another, then heck no don't give him another chance. But it sounds to me like he's genuinely remorseful and really wants to make it work with you.
I'm not very supportive about going to strip bar's and using drugs though. Even once in awhile is'nt OK. To allow that kind of behaivior is to support it.
Quote:
he hates when I do not trut him and I think it makes him justify his bad decisions
It may help him justify his decisions, but their HIS decisions just the same. If he was more trustworthy, it would be easier to trust him. Going to strip bars, and playing with drugs does not help build trust in a R. He's got to do his part to build the passion too. But it'll take some time. You start it, take the first step, then teach him, guide him, and train him.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
~~~ Thank you COG. Your kind words are once again a blessing to me. I am really feeling much different these days and I think my post on Friday was the last remnenets of the old scared and insecure me. Sure hse is still in here somewherew but the me I need to be is coming out little by little everyday. I do agree with you Drugs and stripclubs are a definite no~no. We have talked alot about theses things and he has a better handle on them and so maybe you are right he was just drunk but my mind was wandering far too too much. I just feel now like I need to let it go and if he wants to take himself to these depths and hurt himself he will do it alone b/c he knows I I am here for him and have told him he is too good to do these things to his body. I am sure one day he will get better and In the meantime I just need to get even stronger and get myself together.
I can say that I do feel sooo good today and that I went to wokout for at least two hours and I left believe it or not rejuvenated. I am really strating to lighten up and I can tell that if he is a little moody it does not affect me as much.
~ I feel so much better it is amazing to me I have not felt this good in years ~~~ it has been a long time. The other day my H blew my mind..... we had a little talk on friday afternoon and he told me to relax and not worry about him and that he loved me and missed me and he would never leave me or the kids and for me to stop worrying about him and start worrying about me. That was the same day I was very upset about his cell. I did not mention my worries. And it was amazing how he said such nice things to me.... I realized this weekend I always used to wish I could just be one of those women whos H was deliriously in love with them and they did not have to worry. And low and behold my H is deliriously in love with me and I do not have to worry I CHOOSE TO. Sure he has done things he shouldnt have but why do I have to punish myself for them. Cause that is exactly what I have been doing for years punishing myself and allowing myself to feel ugly or less than a WOMAN. Why should his bad behavior imprison me? I have been shackled to my pain and my self doubt for far too long. I do believe him going and just giving me a break and being brutally honest with me and of course my meds have helped me tremendously.How is me walking around sulking and feeling ugly or just being gaurded going to help him feel loved or help me in any way it has not and I hope I am well on my way to stopping this.
I AM FEELING BETTER,,, I had a DRs appt @ 10 am today. I was putting it off and sure that is not going to work. It has improved my outlook so much. Wow my H is definitely going thru I dunno what. Last nite he called me and he talked to me again for over an hour and a half. He called me @12:18 am. It was going really well and then it went south and then he also told me he feels like he is still not good enough for me and he always feels like this. I told him I loved him dearly and I am trying so hard to show him how much I love him and how beautiful he is and it would help if he would see himself this way too. I told him when he was upset that I wish I was there to console him and give him love and he said " Well you know you are welcome to come here whenever,, I just dont have money for you to come" ( In November he said quite the opposite like I was never going to go to Mexico with him again????? I am confused..)
He was actually upset that I have not tried to go see him,, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused it is not even funny. But I know I am going to keep moving forward and keep working at this. I need to really keep focused and strong and be who I really am and be his strength right now. I feel different and it feels good actually not to worry or stress everyday. I feel more centered and I like it. I am off to work out and get fit and keep my mind clear.And get strong so I can knock MY Husband's socks off when he gets home and maybe throw him down and seduce him too and for that I need energy...... Have a beautiful fabulous day..... God bless....
I am trying to remember when I was calm like this and everything seemed ok without the feeling that something bad had to be on its way cause this is too good to be true. I am doing well and I am not losig weight but I seem to be toning up. I am going to start drinking alot more water too I guess it helps you look better ad I use to drink alot of water but lately my life had been too busy and ME was on the back burner. I have really tried to put myself in my H's shoes and although I prefer stilettos ( LOL),,
I see where I have left him feeling less than My man and I was so consumed alot of the time with the pain and I was nuturing it instead of nurturing our love. I took such good care of my pain and made sure I watered it everyday,, I took better care of my F*&*&ing pain than I did me. Let it go and be happy gees that IS SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY and literally it was for me,, cause everytime I took a breath abd let go my H would seem to let me down. Now I let go and just fell and kept falling and whether he is there to catch me or not I need to let go and be Happy. I will not be here forever God will one day send for me and then what?
I can say yeah I nutured my pain real well ( I was an expert ) and BTW ~~~ I loved soooo much that I put me on hold and lost who I was ( and had a distant H as a result) and I Stood there waiting for sommone to magically make it all bettter ( AND THE ONLY WAY IT GOT BETTER IS WITH ALOT OF HARD WORK ON MY PART!!). Oh H*ll no not anymore and I cycle with this type of strength but this time I hope to keep it going ,,
I need to ,, to keep feeling this strong and this grounded.
I am the only one who can make this better,, my H has been waiting for me to be the woman I used to be and why make him wait longer and why wait longer to feel as this good love and all the blesings. It is ok to feel this good it really is and it has taken me far too long to feel like this. Thank you God for helping me,, please keep guiding me and do not let me lose my way . I know I was good and loved my H unconditionally when he was lost last summer,, so do not give up on me and keep helping me shine. Life is too good to keep wasting it dwelling on my broken heart,,, bless me and hold me up if I ever want to give up. Have a super beautiful day.... God bless...
and I am not complaining but I do very much need one.