Cobra, I was waiting to hear your input because I felt like if I could reach the one person I've had the most trouble connecting with on the boards, then I know I done good
I meant to answer your question about the coat. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was about the coat. That was just H back then, he doesn't try to control what I wear anymore, it seems his focus has shifted off of me directly and to our son in particular and other random things where he apparently feels like he needs to take a stand-like the refrigerator-remember that?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Yeah, I remember, but I also know from my sitch that all those control related things are just different ways of screaming for attention. You had you methods, he has his. Focusing on what he did, what you did, will not do any good, IMO. The underlying issue is that you both need validation and both act out with power and anger when you don’t get it. So just give it.
So there is a very good case for wiping the slate clean. Dr. Laura really can help you understand the man’s POV. Do you think you are seeing a little clearer now, or that your vision has broadened a little?
My point of view has become clearer, yes. Being faced with not having him around has made my feelings for him come to the surface, which made it really easy to communicate them. Email is always good for us because, like everyone has said, the rest of the verbal and non-verbal cues are invisible-it's only the words that matter. When we talk to one another, I never feel heard. He argues with everything I say and then I argue back trying to reiterate my point and eventually we both get pissed. I feel heard when I send my words because they can't be changed and they can't be argued with BS because BS is much more evident when it is written than when it is said. I think if we could have learned to listen to each other, really listen and validate, we could have avoided ever having been here in the first place. If H is interested in meeting me half way as LFL put it, Dr. Laura will be the first book I buy, I promise. I know, I know it will be a good read regardless, but if things don't work out between H and I....well, she's not going to be first on my list of books. Maybe eventually.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
When we talk to one another, I never feel heard. He argues with everything I say and then I argue back trying to reiterate my point and eventually we both get pissed.
I understand. W and I did the same thing. Then we started to SAY the same sort of things you put in your letter, even though we both felt like we had been saying it all along. But we were actually IMPLYING our concern for the marriage, rather than coming out and stating it in unequivocal terms that can leave no doubt. But that is scary because now we have committed ourselves, whereas before, implying our commitment felt to the other like we each had one foot out the door.
Go back and read you old posts. They were full of “he should do this” or “he should know that.” I scanned your letter. Except for prefacing your message with “….he should still be awake,” you did not use the word “should” anywhere in your letter. Were you consciously aware of this at the time you wrote it?
Again, you are doing really good, until this statement:
If H is interested in meeting me half way as LFL put it, Dr. Laura will be the first book I buy, I promise. I know, I know it will be a good read regardless, but if things don't work out between H and I....well, she's not going to be first on my list of books. Maybe eventually.
I never said it was too much. I think it was honest and revealing and necessary. However, when we really put ourselves out there and then end up with too much alone time doubts, worries and second thoughts sometimes ensue EVEN IF it was exactly the right thing to do. All I was suggesting was mentally planning for those thoughts and feelings if they occur. They may not. Sometimes the only feeling is the relief of saying what you needed to say.
Just stopped by and caught up on your story WOW!!!
Now...aren't you wondering why you didn't open up like that before? As Cobra said...what you two are doing right now is "radical honesty". This has needed to be done for so long between the two of you, I'm so glad to see it's finally happening.
WAY TO GO GIRL!!!
I really believe you two are NOW on the road to your new beginning.
Quote: ------------------------------------------------- I don't know what I have the 'right' to want. Nops, I'm really going to need your input on that one-I need your objectivity. -------------------------------------------------
The "Rights" are as simple as can be, and the hardest thing, at least at first, to do. The rights are to have your needs met. He has a right to get his needs met also. This is what you will be negotiating. You will build a new relationship based on needs being met.
Here is the hard part. The most desired need on his part will be the very thing that you most dislike doing. The reciprocal will be true with him. Not meeting that need on both sides is at least in part to blame for the current state of your relationship.
I would like for you to read a book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. It is a quick read, simple, and outlines the principles of need meeting better than any other book I have come across. Your husband will need to read it to. Then the two of you will need to do the worksheets in the back of the book.
There is no magic fix for relationships, but there are often simple fixes.
The first step for you and hubby is to put the past behind you after you have both identified your issues. You both are doing fine on that.
The second step is to negotiate your new relationship. You will do that with a plan to meet each other's needs. Simply put, you will put in place, actions that will define your love for each other on an ongoing basis.
I will give you more details as you progress. There is much to digest, and you two are doing great. Just remember to hold your temper and tongue in check. No explosions. Don't let anger kill your progress.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I've been quiet on your sitch because it is so different than mine that I felt I couldn't add anything at all. Nevertheless, I've been being a good grasshopper and listening intently.
Now that you've got a door open, would you consider a workshop on communication with your H? I specifically have WWME in mind, but I'm not sure it is a perfect fit for you or not. It is basically a weekend away where you focus on each other and learn techniques to communicate your feelings and being heard by each other. It does have a religious overtone, but that isn't a requirement to get something out of it. Your comment on not knowing how to communicate got me out of the woodwork.
You might end up having SEX in the next few days, because emotions are running high.
Enjoy the experience, but do NOT interpret them in any 'good' or 'bad' sense. You are probably too young to remember this, but there was an episode on M*A*S*H, where... shite, what was his name... one of the doctors slept with hotlips when they were out in the field, being bombarded by mortar, etc., etc., they were in a fox hole, and neither one of them was sure they were going to survive the night. Now, Dr. X... shite, what IS his name??????.... fcks... anyway... he had been after hotlips FOREVER... always floating out the inviite... and then they hit the fox hole... and he was quite decent about the whole thing... ANYWAY... my point... DR. PIERCE!!!! Dr. Pierce... okay... anyway...
My point is... don't let fox hole fcking skew your reality. The whole afterglow female thing... wait a few days... regain your equiliubrium... if this happens... and THEN have the face to face discussion.... Don't do it when you are all.... dewey. You'll sign away the farm.
