Iam feeling angry. And wondering why I feel this way. I am still taking my Lexapro and let me tell you it helps so much.So I feel like all these newer emotions that I am having are from me just starting to breathe and really be alive.I am in love with my H and want him more nw than ever and also I am mad at him too for taking the route he took cause he felt I did not love him. I am looking forward to the day when I do not have to feel so many emotions and just know and just be but does that ever realy happen? In cases like this where there has been so much pain? I am really doing this you all I am no longer waiting and just hoping for the best I amtrying to make it the best. I realize I can be me and not try to be super perfect and shine and just smile and be here and its ok. I dunno what tommorrow may bring and I feel like I wanna run and get to where I need to be and just hold onto it and saty there for awhile. I dunno if passion will just Overflow in me and my H will feel the difference in me but I do hope that God helps me and I can just be sensual and shine... I want to feel desire and also not feel like I am being a fool for loving a man who will lie with other women. That it is ok that I have forgiven him and that he will not take it lightly and he will love me with care,, I am still a little scared and I am also not using it for a shield. I used tohide behind my fear now I am very much looking at it in the face and trying actively to push it out and just feel and then let it go.
I did my more of the same behaviors I am ashamed to admit and I looked over with great care my H cell phone bill and called two numbers he called while he was in Mexico with our son and he called them several times in the wee hours of the morning the night of my Birthday of all nites.... he only called it that one day and I also know ( he doesnt know I saw a reciept in his wallet when he came home drink one nite and the contents were all over the floor he had gone to strip club that nite when he was in Mexico) he was at a strip club that nite. So what conclusions do I draw,, dumb I know!!!! He has had trouble with drugs in the past so I could just assume he was trying to get a fix to self medicate himself.Two things I will state I do not have a problem with him doing these 2 things when he sees fit but he knows I DO expect him to respect me. One answered and it was a man and the other was a Woman/couple? ( she was talking to someone in the back before she said hello) feel anxious and assume the owrst or stop my mund and let it go. One thing I have alreday decided is I for sure wil not mention this to him he hates when I do not trut him and I think it makes him justify his bad decisions So sorry you all to let you down and air my dirty laundry but I need someone to analyze me and hit with a 2x4 we hardly get any hear in tis forum and I am not complaining but I do very much need one.
Will post more later I am off to lunch with my aunt and a couple Martinis will do me good?!... Love you all and as always God bless...
and I am not complaining but I do very much need one.
