Life of Job

[81388*]

I think there is a diff between EA and PA. With EA, you are probably best served by just ignoring it and focusing on yourself. You have made it clear that you don't agree w/ what they are doing, leave it at that and work on changing yourself and changing the dynamics of your R.

A PA, especialy an unrepentant PA, is a complete roadblock to any change in R. What I have done til now is make it clear that I don't agree with it, and think it is wrong, and then ignored it. The problem is that by ignoring it, I am sending the message that I accept it and the disrespect that comes with it. I am, in fact showing that I am willing to tolerate any misbehavior in the hopes that she will someday change her mind and choose me over OM.

Talk about a needy unattractive picture. I am saying, in effect, I understand your choice to be unfaithful, and as long as you let me stay close to you I will accept it. Put another way, "please don't leave me, you can even have your affair, and I will be here waiting for you."

With an EA, ignoring it sends the message that you are not worried about the OP, and think you are a more attractive option. I guess the same could be said for PA, but the behavior is just so destructive. If the table was turned, I don't think I would respect someone who just stood by and "accepted" it.

In some respects, asking/telling her to leave is a great big 180, she has been certain, with good reason, that I would never willingly try to get her to leave. That I would tolerate anything rather than risk her leaving.

regardless of the outcome, I would like to maintain some level of respect for her, but the way things are now, if she does not leave, all my respect and concern will. At that point I would think I would file.

We all talk alot about detachment and letting go, I think in my case, it will never be percieved as truely letting go until I make it clear that I would rather she leave, then continue to be involved with OM while living w/ us.