It's time to pull out of the rut

[brueniap]

Journaling:

Doing much thinking. Tho life has been difficult financially it has been ok everywhere else.

This morning I found a copy of my very first post in this forum. Talk about an eye opener of my personality. Now I know why "Happier and Healthier" always came down on me pretty hard in her gentle, sweet and caring way. I miss having her around too.

Anyway - I am understanding things she said to me about the anger she would see in my posts tho I was being as gentle as I could about my H and all.........

Zoom forward to now and here is where I am. In my world I know I am not alone. My world involves how I view God and what I feel He has been trying to teach me. But I know there are some who do not believe in that - and so, I do not wish to offend them. We are all here to survive.

We all know that we are growing to a place where we realize we make our lives what they are. We have learned (with or without God) that despite what our spouses did - we must go on. We have also learned that our spouses do not make our lives (tho we thot they did when we first came here). We make our own lives. We make our own decisions. And....it is up to us to move on from here and help to make this world a better place for our children and us. We are here to teach. We are here to be examples. We are here to learn to stop blaming others and take responsibility for ourselves. Why? Because we are adults and we have learned this. And when we've toughed this out for a time in this place most of us get to this place I've seen.

It is good to be in this place. It's not as painful as when we first joined the LBS club.

There are things I've been called on the carpet for in the last couple days. I hurt someone's feelings and never even knew...someone who didn't understand my personality enough to know that I was not complaining about them...I was teasing them in fun.

they've been hurt for a couple months and I knew something was wrong but I certainly didn't know why. Usually when I insert my foot into my mouth I know it right away. This was not one of those scenarios at all. It was a simple misunderstanding of my "fun-loving, teasing" words. I never knew.

I have since apologized....but I have thot a lot the last couple days about many things I'm hearing in my head and heart and things I see when I'm reading here on the board.

I may piss many off. If I do, I'm really sorry cuz I don't mean to. And I know we all need some place where we can vent and blow off steam. That is so necessary or we will blow up. I just think we need to think some things thru a little more.

The spouses left and hurt the family. Much damage has been done. Much. I will never deny that. Those of you with young children - I do understand because I have been there with my first divorce - my son was in 2nd grade at the time, my daughter was in kindergarten. Their world was crushed. They are now going on 27 and 29. Both of them are doll babies, both of them different as day and night - both of them striving to make it in this world - one more than the other (my son - who is nothing more than a male version of myself I'm afraid - I can't seem to get him out of that mode).

I am old enough to realize that he has to get himself out of his own messes. It is not up to me to do so.........but, oh how I wish I could. I've enabled him in the past by helping him financially - he is one of the reasons I am devoid of money! Now I am at a convenient place where there is nothing for me to help him with. He has to figure out many things on his own.

do I love him? with all my heart. does he frustrate me no end? incredibly! He had one girlfriend who was the love of his life a few years ago. I didn't like her at all. She was a diva. Expected to give nothing and to be waited on hand and foot. Could I say anything? no........it was his love and his life...not mine. When they broke up he did many more stupid things after that. Again...his life...not mine. Still loved him, still would do what I could for him if possible. He's had a couple girlfriends since who are sweethearts. The sweethearts he gets close to and then pulls away from them. Stems back to the diva chick. Breaks my heart when he does that. I can only say so much.

but I'm still his mom. And I love him just as much now as I did when he was a baby. He pisses me off but it doesn't change that. Look at your babies, my loves on this board, the ones who are so hurt right now. The ones you are mad at your spouses at for leaving. Picture them in 20 years. You will love them even more then than you do know. Being a mother never stops for those of us who loved them to begin with. We can only guide them and be our best selves for them.

Please remember that being a mother or father is not a class we can really learn from - we are always being put in new situations that will call for us to react in some new way. We can not continually blame our spouse for everything that comes along. Yes, they may have been at very great fault. but to continually have our eyes and hearts blaming them is NOT going to help the situation. It is part of the growing that we are doing to get out of that rut and just move on.

The same goes for our parents. Some here have had horrible parents or in-laws. I, too, get angry when I see how they have been treated by their family. It is no different then when the spouse did the same thing to them months earlier. And that is what has really made me think about what I feel God has been saying to me. "Brue", He says, "it's not just your spouse I want you to learn to love even tho you've been wronged...it's this person and that person....and all the people.....just like I did when I was nailed to the cross." ouch!

i've had one in particular who has been a thorn in my side for over 8 years.

I'm convinced that what has happened in our lives here is not only to help us grow in our families but also in our relationships outside the families. I am also convinced that it doesn't really matter how much crap we keep getting we will continue to get it anyway cuz that's life. Now how am I going to deal with it and carry on?

I've been told, in no uncertain terms, that not only am I supposed to love my H unconditionally but I am to love all people unconditionally. tough thing to do...really tough. Sometimes I hate it. But I have seen that it has helped me live better thru nastiness than I used to be able to do. This is not a cowering thing - it's a standing up thing saying - "hey, maybe you've done this to me and rocked my world and caused much hurt, but I will continue to love anyway...and somehow, thru the grace of God I will even learn to love you, my enemy".

anyone of us here can insert who we feel our enemy is...

We can rise above all the sh.. with this love in our hearts. We know that. We've already come this far rising above the first part of our journies. We're not done til they bury us folks. and some of us have a long time left to go. We can't spend it mired down in bitterness for those who have hurt us or our spouses along the way which in turn ruined our families which will now hurt our babies and so they will be screwed up when they grow up and then they will ruin their spouses lives and it will be our fault and our in-laws fault and our walk-aways fault........


no...

if we have learned anything at all...we can stop the hurt at least in our own little world. We can't stop those who hurt us maybe - but we can still love them anyway. And we can cushion and be a buffer and make life better for others. This is not a "taking sides" deal.

I'm so glad that God doesn't take sides in that way. Would he choose me or my husband?

He loves us both.


brue