Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

Sage -
One question - if he's late because he got caught up in chatting with coworkers at the end of the day, how CAN he call to let you know in advance? What's he supposed to do - call and say "gee, I'm leaving now, but I see Charlie and Johnny by the water cooler, so I'm just warning you that they might ask me about the football game last weekend and I might be late?" Seems to me, the only thing he CAN do is what he did - call you once he realizes he's made himself late.

Ellie, I guess I'm just hyper-aware of time at all times. So...if I know it's 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave and someone engages me in a conversation, I'm conscious the whole time of "X minutes have passed so I'd better get ready to draw this to a close". Now, I'm the one who has the "hard deadline" of picking Charly up at daycare but I've been considering h's arrival home as a "hard deadline" as well.

I know how frustrating it can be on your end. My h used to call and tell me "I'm leaving the office now". I'd start dinner, anticipating he'd be home in half an hour - then he'd call me forty-five minutes later, to tell me he ran into so-and-so on the way out and got to talking about such-and-such, but he's getting in the car now. But you know, that's just his nature, he's a social guy.

OK...you've made me feel better because that would drive me absolute batty. At least h doesn't do that!

Can you figure out just WHY it bothered you so much? Is it just because you don't like change? (How's that rut, anyway, girl? ). Is it because it strikes fear into your heart that he's cheating again? Or is it just because you're so exhausted and stretched so thin that you NEEDED him to be home the second you got there?

It's all three and more, probably. Yes, I don't like change or, in this particular case, it's about expectation...I expect him to be home and when he isn't (and it's not some unnatural occurence that has kept him away), it unnerves me. He went out last night and was all apologetic about it but I told him that the planned outings don't bother me because I can prepare in advance...because I knew he wasn't going to be home last night I spent time the night before making sure I had Charlotte's Thursday night dinner ready to go already in the fridge so I'm not trying to calm her and make her dinner at the same time.

So, to address the third issue...yes, I am stretched thin and exhausted. I'm working full time and am also responsible for pick up and drop off (my choice because I wanted her near my work). I'm also responsible for all overnight duty (because h quickly becomes an A$$ w/o sleep) so our agreement is that he is supposed to take care of all domestic stuff. NOT HAPPENING. So, by the time I get home after working all day, and driving home with a kid who has as likely as not screamed for the drive home, I just want someone there to hold her while I pull out dinner or feed her while I make her lunch for the next day or whatever. Trust me, I'm not running in the door and plopping down with a magazine. (ETA: I know you know this. I didn't mean to sound so glib. I'm trying to get him to see that if he prepped dinner before we got home life would be much easier.)

And as for the second issue...it's not that I think he's cheating again but it IS that late arrivals home were one of the signs when he was so the other night the whole time flashed through my head again...and TBH, it's been in the forefront of my mind a lot lately because I think "if he cheated before when things actually weren't THAT bad (IMHO), how can he be true when he's clearly stressed and our lives are in chaos?" plus I'm finding a lot of unresolved anger bubbling up here and there (I think it's that I feel angry anyway so why not get pissed at just about everything)...which brings me to my insight of this morning (darned insights!).

One of the things that h does that drives me nuts is apologize for little things all the time (still waiting for the apology for the big thing...hahahaha). It makes me feel like a shrew or his mother or something (I know, I'm sure this sounds like I've completely lost my mind). Well, this AM he apologized for not leaving me enough room for my car in front of the house (it snowed last night so I moved my car out front to make it easier to load the baby + carseat into the car). Well, that didn't bother me at all so I was thinking "why the heck is he apologizing for that??" when it hit me...h is apologizing for everything (well...) because lately he can't tell what's going to set me off...why? because I'm stuffing my anger about 1,000 different things, never telling him clearly what I need/want, and then randomly blowing up about silly little things. NICE, HUH???? What a bind to put him in!!! No wonder he's like a deer in headlights.

I need to:

1. Clearly tell him what I need. There ARE things that work me up and if I can get them out and we can agree on a compromise, then neither one of us won't be so blind sided.

2. RELAX. I'm back to thinking everything needs to be "just right, right now" I need to get out of that mindset.

3. Stop stuffing things and then blowing up (mind you, this is not overt as it use to be...now it's the PA mean-spirited blow up of the other day...even more insidious!)

4. Get some GD time for myself that I don't have to pay dearly for. I really need to talk to him about this. When he gives me "a break" he takes it out of my "account" so that I end up in the same hole as before. Either he needs to figure out how not to make me "pay" for my time alone or I need to use a babysitter.

I'm sure there's many more but I gotta get back to work.



Sage