She is not happy with him, but feels good about herself when she is with him.
This says so much. There is much comfort you can draw from this. Your W's affair is about her. It's not about you and it's not about the OM. It's about her feeling good. He is simply an object that allows her to project her ideals onto it. She's feeling good about herself because he sees her with fresh eyes, without the expectations she believes you have of her. She's allowing herself to feel good around him. The really good thing to recognize here is that SHE CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITH YOU - with the added bonus of really being happy because she'll be acting with integrity, not simply self gratification.
Stand by and let this process run its course. She's got to grieve. Let her do so on her own. If she wants your comfort be there, but don't push it on her. Don't take any of this personally. If you take this personally you will push her away. Don't allow your neediness to make this about you. Don't try and rescue her from her feelings, stand alongside her and validate her feelings. Share her experience. Don't judge it, don't try and change it, just be there to share it.
Truly acknowledging her autonomy is the sexiest, most impressive thing you can do. You do this by acknowledging through your actions that you can't control her, you can't manipulate her and you refuse to even try. You communicate your feelings directly, you share them - and you have no expectation that they will change anything. You do not tell her you feel a certain way so that she'll change what she's doing. You tell her because you matter and you're sharing your experience.
OM is playing mind games with her. They are locked in a power struggle. He is trying to control her through these games. He is invalidating her autonomy. Don't make the same mistake. You're winning by default right now. Take advantage of this opportunity. Show her that not only is the affair clearly wrong, but having a relationship with you is what? How would you answer that and why? What are the selling points of a relationship with you in the future? What are your goals for your life moving forward? What are your goals for your relationship moving forward?
This is the point where you take the focus off of her and put in on yourself, for yourself. The answers to these questions are for you. They will help you understand what's really important to you. They will be a large part of what drives your life forward, and will determine your success to a large degree. This could become your mission statement. What are you going to achieve in life? How are you going to know whether you're on track or not? You can't expect what you don't inspect.
Keep the focus on what's important, what you are able to control. The affair could be faltering and ending or it could be going underground. You can influence the direction it goes by what you choose to focus on. If you focus on your W and the wrong being done in the affair, she'll likely feel the need to escape into, guess what? The A. Stand aside, be confident (that's another thing that respecting your W's autonomy exudes - confidence to the fullest).
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Oh how I wish I would of read these last night. I called her to ask about our taxes. She was with him and I freaked out. I didn't say anything, but that it hurts. She didn't like that and I apologized to her. I was ready to call it quits last night but mustered up the strength to throw away the note I left telling her I was done. I needed you guys to help me and you have. I knew I could count on you. I will go on living my life the way it was, before my emotions got the best of me. I read the chapter twice about infidelity, and I also printed out some quotes from this site. I will stay strong, because I know GOD is on my side. He will give me the strengths of a thousand men to pull me through this. You guys are the best thing I have going for me, you help me keep my head. I cried myself to sleep last night. I have never done that before, this is how painful it has become. You really helped me today, I have the strength to keep fighting, when a few hours ago I was ready to file. Again my emotions were talking. He is using her and I know that. She knows it and we talked about it. I just hate to see her so addicted to him.
I THANK YOU ALL!
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
I talked to a coach, First is to remove myself from the A. Do not talk about it, do not facilitate it, do not concern myself with it. GAL, keep myself busy. Do not worry about the phone calls. Keep a positive attitude, don't share my fellings, she knows them and I will be O.K. without her. Let the A take it's course, leave it alone.
Today I have turned over a new leaf, I will focus on my goals. I will stay happy and strong. Firm but friendly. Quit the drama she so much loves and leave her to wonder why? Show her changes in my attitude, that I am a strong confident person and she will not bring me into this dramatic situation. This is a good day, nothing will stop me from turning over this new leaf, and I will be srong.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Muddle's last comment is golden. Copy it and read it often. I am keeping it for myself.
Muddle,
How does one remain non-judgemental when you believe the other person's actions are wrong? How do you respect a person when you believe they are doing unrepectable things?
Well, good news and bad new. W called after coach called. I told her it went well, but she got upset when I didn't give her specifics. I told her some things but left others (inportant) out. We got on the talk about M, and she said there is one thing that I don't give her. and basically the only thing that is stopping her. SEX, I don't satisfy her sexually. She said thats the only thing between her and OM. I told her thats an easy fix, it's just communication between us. She feels that she shouldn't have to tell me what she needs, but I told her I can't give you what you need unless I know. She is still confused and I will let her go for now. I told her when and if she wants to reconcile we can figure out the problem and work on this issue. So, like I said good news and bad news.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
