Rebirth to a New Life II

[faithisbelieving]

Bill..Jeff...I second that steak dinner. The feelings are mutual. FIB

[Jeff223]

Thinking things out. Long post:

I am waiting for this thread to lock. It was a transition of sorts. I titled it ‘rebirth’ but as a man I should have know better: I cannot comprehend the birthing process. I did little to rebirth. I started this thread after a major depression and downturn due to my over-focusing on getting my M back during the holidays. I really though Santa would bring me that present. And when I even got my gift to W returned, well I thought I hit bottom and the view from the bottom is not nice. I still had too much invested in the R.

Then my mom got sick and for weeks I waited for her to die. I was at the hospital, I did not get to keep my kids. I slept little, gained some weight. I stopped going to church. I missed much work and my return to self-medicating with bourbon did not help at all. My MIL got worse as well and I learned W went to the ER before Christmas with chest pains. My friends here were all going through hell. Two got their D finalized and the rest of you all seemed worse.

No, the view from the bottom is not nice, especially as I continued to fall.

But after much thought and reflection, I am climbing out of the pit yet again. Maybe it was the cold weather. Maybe it was a note I sent to W saying I will support her no matter what and I will be the man that she and my kids deserve, even if we D. Maybe it was this place, and your words of encouragement. Maybe it was me growing up some and seeing that I need to live again and learn for this experience.

My 89 year-old mom recovering also helped. Yesterday I moved her into a rehab facility in the senior complex where she lives. The rehab is part of the nursing home part of the complex (mom lives in the ‘independent living’ part). She will be there two weeks. She is still weak and feels sick but she is doing much better than her outlook.

The nursing home is very depressing. The facility itself is nice but mom is sharing a room that must be only 12x12 feet or so. Just enough space for a bed and a small chest and chair. A curtain separates the space. Less than 75 sq feet for $150 per day (it is only for two weeks so Medicare pays).

The seniors are all in wheelchairs and many sit with blank stares. Many seem unaware of their surroundings. I hate to say it but modern medicine is too good at times: keeping folks alive without life quality.

One man caught my eye. He was in a corner in a wheelchair, a southern gentleman look about him. He had a great grin on his face but his eyes were elsewhere. In the not too distant future I may be that man. I want my grin to be b/c I had a great and honorable life. I want that grin to be b/c I accomplished what I set out to do. I want that grin to be b/c I found love again and I was there for my kids as their role model. I want that grin to be b/c ‘I did it my way’ as the Sinatra song goes.

Time for a new thread. Thanks all for reading this far.

----------------------------

I want to re-post what my friend Bill (Bworl) posted on his thread. Very powerful. Soon I intend to rewrite it on my own for my next thread. I am not quite there yet.

Strength and Honor.
-----

I am declaring victory today.

No, I did not bust my divorce. I didn't even save my marriage. I managed to do something far, far more significant.

I saved myself.

And don't think me pretentious or boastful please.

You should have seen me in September, October, and November.

Those days are gone, and the man who lived those days is also gone. The insecurities, the dependency, the fear, the self doubt, and the thoughts that life as I knew it had ended...all those destructive and harmful things are finally gone.

I am happy with who I am today. I am at peace inside and no longer find my happiness in my wife or my marriage. I no longer yearn and long for the return of something that was clearly lost. I have found friends who enjoy doing things with me, have shown my boys that I enjoy their time and can be fun to be with, and have stepped up my responsibilities at school. I look to the future with anticipation.

Most significantly I have found hope and a promise for the future. I know now where I am headed and I am thrilled about what lies before me. There is love ahead of me again one day and a life with someone who will value me, cherish me, and complete me and whom I can value, cherish, and complete as well.

She will find a husband who is ready to love from his soul. A man who realizes now that what is important in their relationship is understanding, compassion, and commitment. A man who wants to know his partner, know her needs, share her hopes, and heal her wounds. She will find a husband who wants to protect her and desire her and revel in her.

This will be a life that we should have had the first time. It is a life we WILL have this time. That will be my promise to her.

I declare my battle over and the victory won.

[WCW]

You're a good man Jeff. It may have taken all these dratted bumps to get you where you are now - a man your W refuses to recognize. Her loss, but one that you have to deal with as well.

I've known for a long time that when I hit the bottom of the pit there's still room to go when the bottom falls out. The scramble to get your feet underneath you again is not pretty but we really only have the choice to survive. The opposite is not an option, right?

Have you seen The Notebook? chick flick I guess. Towards the end the lady is sitting in a wheelchair in a grey looking room full of other lifeless living people. I cried for myself when I realized that could very well be me if I last that long. boohoo, woe is me...

Having said that, come join me in the Hopefulness forum for the beginning of the next stage of your life.
Make your life about you.

[faithisbelieving]

Jeff....I make rounds in a nursing home. When I first started doing this, I asked myself why...why am I here? I should be doing cutting edge surgery, yet, I offered to make a day or two a month making rounds here.

I learned not long after: these are the husbands, the wives, the parents....alone....some abandonded. They needed a good doctor to take care of them. As I began to see them, I would take the time to look at the photos that they have posted in their rooms....would sit for a moment with those that could talk and ask them where they were born and grew. And there are stories.....

bworl is a great man. I hope to get to where he is sometime. That post helped me for today. FIB

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Jeff,

We have all been at the bottom of that same pit but somehow we begin to see the light that leads us out again. Each time we fall back in, we are not afraid as we realize the stay is shorter as we become more confident, less insecure and stronger. We realize that staying in the pit keeps us in a dark place and is not where we should be nor deserve to be. We deserve much more and only we can give ourselves what we deserve. Do not expect it from our WAS, from our children, from our friends or family. Only you can make things happen the way you want it and yes, you can say you did it your way.

She will find a husband who is ready to love from his soul. A man who realizes now that what is important in their relationship is understanding, compassion, and commitment. A man who wants to know his partner, know her needs, share her hopes, and heal her wounds. She will find a husband who wants to protect her and desire her and revel in her.

That is one lucky woman!

I know how much you love and care about your Mom but you do need to refocus on taking care of you too. Your Mom would feel very guilty if anything happened to you. A mother will always want for her kids before wanting anything for herself no matter how hold the kids are. Start enjoying your kids again, go tobogganing, skating, make a snowman (if it hasn't melted by now). Going to church brings a sense of peace and hope for a better future even when things seem grim. Replacing Bourbon with fresh, cold, clear water re-energizes you and also helps to shed some unwanted weight. Taking walks with the fresh air blowing in your face, while listening to your favourite tunes on your ipod really does to bring things in perspective. Maybe the time is right to take a vacation to a bright sunny warm place. I have truly found my one week away in Punta Cana my turning point to coming back to life.

If you haven't read BND's newest thread MLCBS and what is going on in their heads maybe you might want to drop in.

You will have a brighter future. I know I will see you on top of that mountain again soon as we both find our way back up there. Thanks for stopping by my thread. It means so much knowing that people still care.

Hugs,
Thread #6 - Preparing for a New Year & New Beginning continues

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Jeff - just wanted to pop in and see how you are.

I loved the last post - especially "I saved myself". It's so true. I know I've been lucky and my H has come back, but the whole situation FINALLY forced me to step up and face my low self esteem issues. The effects this had and continues to have on other areas of my life is fantastic.

So just want to say thinking of you and hope all is OK with your Mum.

[SDFoundGirl]

No matter what, you are amazing. I'm glad your mom is doing better, and my prayers are with you for a full recovery. Right is right no matter what others' actions are.....

You're my hero.

SD

[princess_nic]

Dear Jeff,

I haven't posted to you in a while, but I will do my part to lock this thread.

You are such a good man. You have made mistakes, and learned from them. You offer yourself to others, putting them first. You still want to do right by your XW.

Jeff, you will be writing a post like Bill's, and very soon, I should think. The only missing piece, the way I see it, is putting YOURSELF at the top of your list. I know your mum occupies that place right now-that's the way it has to be for now-but soon, you must be there. That really is the only way to be sure that you can continue to be there for others.

Best,
Nicola

[Jeff223]

Thanks. I can only wish I saved myself or was a hero.

I was feeling good for a few days but on cue W sent a few emails that pushed my buttons.

Am I detached? LOL.

W was boasting on looking for a house and some other ‘exciting’ things she is up to. She even signed my son up for baseball without coordinating it with me first. Of course all those exciting things do not include me; kicked to the side of the road with the rest of the road kill.

But I feel a bit better today since this is my first long weekend with my kids. I had not kept them in some time b/c of my mom. But now that mom is getting better finally I got to see the kids this weekend. They seemed to miss me; if only they would quit saying ‘hey mom’ before they ask me a question. I gave D6 her B’Day gift and we ate cake (W had D6 on her B’day last week, so I missed that family event). Tonight is pizza and a movie.

But overall I have been down again. My mom drained me. She has been very negative throughout her ordeal and while I realize that she had no one else to share those feelings with, it got me down. I can only imagine the very real fear of death when you are 89. But I got it each and every day and I really cannot take it any longer. When mom moved to rehab a few of the nurses from the main hospital made a special effort to come visit her – hugged her real big, called her the model patient. They saw only the sweet side; I saw nothing but the other side.

Same with W; hearing that you are nothing but worthless crud and a controlling, manipulative jerk that deserves nothing but her hate has also taken its toll. I really cannot take it any longer either. I so wish I never have to see her or talk to her again. Why did she not call me those things early on with the objective of trying to fix us? No, she quit – then kick the guy while she is going out the door.

My 12 year wedding anniversary was last week as well. No acknowledgement of the day. I have known W for almost 1/3 of my life – and no acknowledgement.

So, life could be better. I have been so drained that I do little in my free time except hang around my apartment. GAL is on hold, replaced by self medication with alcohol and too much good food (at least I still cook). I need to break out of that rut. I am depressed to a point I avoid social situations; another rut to get out of.

I just want this to be over – for the pain to go away. I am through ‘standing’; I am not strong enough any longer. I just want to run and keep going.

[princess_nic]

(((Jeff)))

You know, there seems to be this idea around here that

(a) you are weak if you stop Standing, and

(b) Standing means actually doing something.

Both are wrong.

Jeff, you can Stand by doing nothing, if that's what you want to do. That does take some strength--mainly the strength to hold your tongue--but you don't have to actively DO anything.

OTOH, if you CHOOSE not to Stand, it doesn't mean you are weak. All it means is that you've had enough.

Your mother's illness and negativity, as well as your anniversary, have certainly had to affect you. You are tired. As you say, you have been drinking. Even if you've not been drinking huge amounts (hope not!), it can still leave you feeling down when you "withdraw" every morning.

I will say again what I said above: the only thing I see lacking here is a focus on YOU. And by that I don't mean GAL, necessarily; I mean taking care of yourself: getting enough sleep, eating healthy, a bit of exercise, time to do things you enjoy. When you are down, it is more important than ever to make sure you take care of those things, as they are so easy to put aside.

You are a man of value: Value yourself.

Hugs,
Nic