Ever pick a fight that you wanted to lose? If you havent then youll never understand a girls sex drive. You dont have to understand it.
Just dont lose. It sure is tiresome though. Who wants to beat down the person they care about. And what person in their right mind went into a fight with the intention of not hurting the other one. Every good conqueror thats who. Whatever you wreck you have to fix. Thats expensive and time consuming.
Okay, I'm going to help you out. I think you have a good understanding of 1/2 of female sexuality but are bummed out because you don't see the whole picture. So I shall draw you a diagram based on me. Get out your paper and pencils, boys.
Draw 3 squares. Leave room for labels. The first square will diagram the female sexual animas. Label the top left corner "Cow", top right "Lioness", bottom right "Monkeygirl", bottom left "Bunny". Write "Women" above the square and "Girls" below the square because the cow and the lioness are adults and the monkey and the bunny are girls. Now on the second square label the top left "Hips and Breasts", label the top right "Muscles including vaginal muscles", label the bottom right "Clitoris and nipples", label the bottom left "Pretty eyes and soft skin". Next label the third square as follows: Top left "Generousity, care", top right "Strength, assertiveness, hunger", bottom right "Impulsivity, curiousity, appetite", bottom left "Vulnerability, trust". Getting the picture?
So if you don't want to be sex-starved, you can either ask the cow to care for you by being generous with her milk or you can come to an honorable contract with the lioness to divide the kill, or you can order the monkey to give you back the banana or better yet just grab it from her or you can lovingly but firmly speak to and hold the bunny until you earn her trust. Much better yet do all four at the same time and then you will have sex with the whole female.
If you consider some of what Schnarch discussed in his chapter on types of sexual encounters you could draw a 4th square and label if as follows. Top left: Will make love to you in a warm caring fashion. Top right: Will engage in a 50/50 f*ck fest or match that will knock your socks off. Will actually attempt to f*ck you if you attempt to cheat her in a contract. Bottom right: Will play "do" you,"do" me and tease endlessly until you spank her with your cock. Bottom left: Will let you make love to her in a warm caring fashion.
The tricky thing is that different women are more or less in touch with the different aspects of their sexuality and this also varies with any individual woman over the course of her lifetime or just in the course of a single monthly cycle. Life events and relationship issues will also change the relative availability of her different aspects. For instance, a woman with a weak cow spirit and a couple young children probably won't have enough milk left to offer to a man. A sexually immature woman might only have access to her bunny. A woman who was raped or abused will frequently clamp her vaginal muscles shut with her protective, angry lioness spirit and keep her girlish bunny and monkey under close guard. A woman who feels unattractive and/or old will lose touch with her bunny and her monkey. Etc, Etc.
Examples from the life of Mojo:
1) I had a lover when I was 21 who I broke up with under unhappy circumstances. When he came around a few weeks later looking for what was no longer his, my lioness was guarding my bunny and holding my monkey on a short leash (that naughty monkey has the unfortunate tendency of getting my bunny in into bad situations). But my lover was very wise in the ways of women (or at least Mojo) so what he did after he realized that my usually very accessible monkey was in a cage was he put his head on my breasts and started to nuzzle aggressively causing my lioness to give sway to my cow and thereby releasing my monkey.
2) My second lover was very "top" and "alpha" in behavior. After spanking my monkey, he would always pat my bunny. He is the guy who "told" me to buy a skirt with a slit up the leg because it would turn him on and then stood behind me and zipped me back into it afterwards. I fell madly in lust/love with him. I was young so my lioness was weak and an older girl stole him from me and I didn't fight back.
3) My 5th lover was good to my bunny and brought out my cow but not my lioness or my monkey. I loved him but the sex was always warm rather than hot. He was the guy who would put my mittens on me and ask me for permission to take my bra off.
BF, clearly your problem is that your X was very lovable and sexy because she was girlish and high-drive and therefore emanating a bunny/monkey spirit but she lacked maturity so she couldn't honor a contract or care for you with a generous spirit. This is why you don't respect women. This is why I told you to ask a woman to have sex with you after you meet her halfway across the field. If you have a sexual relationship with a woman who is more in touch with her cow and/or lioness, you will feel safer and more secure in your relationship. You don't have to do all the work just because you're the male.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I now feel that I do not have to make deals with him. Deals are a form of control. If you do X I'll do Y. It's like bribing your kids to eat their spinach. What I need to do is leave gaps for him to fill. He can work out on his own that they need filling and I can have a firm belief in his ability to fill them.
I think it is a little stretch to say that deals between adults are a form of control, especially if both people enter into it willingly. The deal is then a choice. Blackmail is a different issue, or a deal crafted between two people with different power sources, such as an adult and a child. That can be control.
But if one person is feeling controlled for having made a deal, then I think it is more a case of poorly enforcing personal boundaries. If you don’t like the deal, don’t do it and accept whatever consequences.
A deal can also be a builder of trust. Watching someone honor their end of the deal sets a pattern of positive reinforcement and can be a way of repairing a relationship. Perhaps you feel controlled because you place an obligation on yourself to honor the deal? But that is still a choice. I have a hard time seeing where the control comes in.
I guess that puts you in a hard spot. Your H too. How is he to build trust with you if you cannot trust yourself to accept his actions without feeling a sense of obligation (and possibly some resentment)?
Being secure sexually doesn't mean that one is secure with vulnerability. I don't see you being vulnerable with your H, but OTOH, I'm not so sure that he'd be comfortable with it, either. Maybe Blackfoot can comment on this.
Every time I bring out my bunny he makes her cry because he acts like a boy with a slingshot rather than a man with a strong warm chest against which I could snuggle. So you are right that I am not going to allow myself to be vulnerable with him again until he gains my trust by acting like a man. That is why I am not "in love" with him. I still "love" him with my cow spirit and my monkey still responds to his cranky "top" on occasion. I am no longer feeling angry, possessive or jealous so my lioness is resting peacefully but she will awaken if positively or negatively challenged by a man. The lioness no longer responds to my husband because I have lost respect for him because he has broken too many contracts. In summation, I have no desire to feel emotionally connected to a man who cannot or will not honor any contract to provide me with a reasonable level of security, care and sexual satisfaction.
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And obviously, what makes me feel vulnerable, and what would make you feel vulnerable, are probably different things.
We are similar in that we both have guarded our bunnies but for different reasons. You are showing a lot of monkey spirit in your recent posts so I will assume that your boyfriend is pretty top. I was repressing my monkey spirit with my cow in order to keep my marriage together until my children are grown but my H has drained my cow dry with all his beta behavior so my monkey is feeling pretty free and out of control. You guys need to help me keep an eye on her. Feel free to smack her around but don't misaim and hit my poor bunny, she's pretty beat up and sad.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Did you read about the box exercise somewhere or did you think this all up yourself? And I thought I go around thinking about relationship issues too much! Wooaahh!
In summation, I have no desire to feel emotionally connected to a man who cannot or will not honor any contract to provide me with a reasonable level of security, care and sexual satisfaction.
I know what you mean by this, and it happened in my M. I have no words of wisdom to offer you, other than... one person can only take so much, give so much.
I don't believe in dying a slow death in an M.
Mediocre, luke-warm, not too bad, not too good, is the very definition and experience of hell, to me.
And so on that optimistic, uplifting post, I shall take myself off to bed.
Did you read about the box exercise somewhere or did you think this all up yourself? And I thought I go around thinking about relationship issues too much! Wooaahh! ;\)
Just me and my monkey. That's why I can't keep her in a cage for too long, she's trouble but she holds all my creativity because she's so curious.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thank you. Here's why I'm feeling very much like a sad bunny at the moment. I spent the afternoon with my sister who is having a hysterectomy on Monday due to cancer. She is so upset about the fact that she will never be able to have children that she is taking Valium. Her Valium wore off and we were just weeping together. I kept flashing on this image of the two of us playing together in front of our dollhouse when we were young and it made me so sad. I could really use some comfort but where can I go? It's just like when my Dad died and my H refused to give me a hug only now I don't even have the naive belief that I might get one when I really need it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I guess I can sum up my feelings about your recent posts by saying - be "you".
I suppose becoming higher functioning means being better able to integrate the different aspects of one's personality. I am actually getting pretty good at comforting my own bunny with my cow rather than just protecting her with my lioness. I guess the question becomes if you do become fully integrated enough to not "need" to be in a relationship can you still passionately "want" to be in a relationship?
****************************************************** Monkeygirl is in ascendence this morning so I clipped a couple quotes from the man who is the best example of a "top" as opposed to an "Alpha" that I know. Reading his biography helps me to remember why I really don't want to be in a relationship with a man who is pure "top".
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"I doubt if there are any rational people to whom the word 'fuck' would be particularly diabolical, revolting or totally forbidden."
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He asked me what I mean by a humanist. I say: A humanist is someone who remembers the faces of the people he spanks.
Seriously, MJ, I really like this. I'm with Cobra: we're so fortunate to be on a bulletin board with so many thoughtful and relationship-obsessed people.
I, too, feel sorry for your poor, bruised bunny.
(((Mojo)))
Hairdog, who, I kid you not, just bought a copy of the Tynan book based on your recommendation.
