Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

Hi guys,

GRRRRR. Let me say upfront that my posts in the coming days/weeks will touch on the trivial -- the downright banal -- nothing earthshattering, nothing gripping, just day to day BS that is driving me nuts. It's amazing to me how "quickly" the stuff I so consciously let go of lo many years ago is back driving me absolutely nuts. But, I want people reading to know that I recognize that this is not the stuff that big deals are made of...but I swear, it's the little stuff that is like sand in a bathing suit...know what I mean?

Last night, h called me to tell me that he was going to be late coming home...bad thing is he called me 5 minutes after I normally get home (I wasn't home yet, had run into traffic), which is a full 40 mins after he usually leaves work. arrgh. That just drove me bats*&t. It's all about expectation...I expected him to be home to help and he wasn't whereas tonight, I knew he was going to be out (yes, Ellie, a work function -- no spouses!), and he's tripping all over himself to apologize about being gone. Here's the deal, h, (and I tried to tell him that tonight)...if I can plan for it, mentally, I'm fine. It's the surprises (not caused by famine, tragedy, natural acts of God) that drive me batty.

I can admit now that I did not put my best foot forward last night. Instead of sucking it up OR telling him that I was peeved, I just kind of got mean-spirited...said some offhanded things that were not necessary. See...I'm pretty sure (ASSumption?) that it wasn't "work" that kept him late...more likely some chitchat with a coworker or two. Again, I swear I'm not trying to say he can't ever do that...but some warning when I've got a screaming, exhausted, hungry kid and only two hands?

So, amd, you asked about my attitude adjustment....er, I don't know....maybe trying to be more upfront with h? Stopping the ASSUmptions? Choosing what's important and what isn't?

Here's what I would tell h if I felt like I could...

1. I honestly am ok with you going out, taking time for yourself...but I would like to know in advance.

2. I would like some time to myself...that I don't have to "pay" for later (for example, h "let" me go to the gym this AM but then sulked and did his "dead man talking" impersonation when telling me how she woke up 5 mins after I left)

3. I need help. Just roll up your GD sleeves and get in here. That's what I need.

I'm sorry. this isn't going well. I'm in stream of consciousness aggravated mode. Weird thing...I'm still so darned angry about "the bomb"...I feel like it comes up in my mind again and again, lately, a la "yah, this is the kind of thing that made you stray" before kind of mindset. Why am I still so pissed off????

I think I need a massage, a martini, and a good long nap.

Sigh.

Sage